Waiting

I hate the waiting game. Waiting when you are low feels like an eternity. Waiting when you are VERY low adds in a bit of scary. Sometimes alot of scary, especially when you've guesstimated carbs or have been exercising alot. Sometimes you can feel the "life" being sucked right out of you. Sometimes you can feel yourself turning pale white. Sometimes you are so shaky and weak you feel like a seizure is approaching quickly. It makes me sick knowing that Maddison feels this when she's low. It breaks my heart. I always wonder....is THIS the time Maddison or I don't come up from this low so easily? Waiting to re-check, to make sure you are going up instead of further down. Waiting out my own lows sucks, but waiting to see if Maddison is going up or down after a low REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks. I hate Diabetes.

At 2am this morning Maddison was 68 (or something like that) which hasnt happened at night for a long, long time. ACK. Nightime basals are on the change once again it seems. I decided to check myself since I had Chinese food for dinner.....289. WTF? WOW....thats about as high as I ever get. 2.5u bolused, I woke up at 89 this morning. Kinda low for my 20 minutes of cardio intervals and 20 min of weights. I just wont bolus for the coffee. Post workout = 162. Driving to work = I think I'm about to pass out as I feel "that feeling" you know, the life is leaving my body feeling.

Confusion. Numbness. I'm floating on a cloud. Hunger. Headache. No shakiness, but I'm pulling over to check my blood sugar anyway. 140 with .6 active from my yogurt/fruit/protein smoothie. Hmmmm....I must be dropping? Temp basal is set? YEP. Bolused just a fraction of the smoothie carbs right? Yep. I'll wait and see. 15min later, I'm 142. I need to get to work! Whats with Diabetes weirdness! I'm not low!! Why do I feel so damn low?!! Just because I was higher last night!!?? ACK!

I hate the waiting. Driving to work once again, I feel even worse just minutes later. Quick check while driving and I'm 146. The numbers say I'm fine, but the feeling doesn't. Thats gotta be the worst...when the number says you are fine but the feelings say you aren't. How frustrating. Waiting. The waiting to see whats happening really sucks.

I got a call last week from Medtronic. They wanted my last ok before sending out the CGMS for Maddison. I had to leave a message. Still, no call back. I have no intention of using a CGM on Maddison. I just can't do it. For many, many reasons. I think I'd like that CGM for myself though. Maybe I can "master" it before Maddison hits the crazy teenage years and her blood sugar hits the fan. Maybe.

2 hrs PP I'm 102 with .2 active. Here comes the crash. At work. Feeling the life being sucked out of me. Now I gotta eat. I whip out the ziplock baggie filled with (sweetened) dried fruit, hoping it stops the drop. Damn you Diabetes, all I try to do is take care of myself. Exercise....and this is what you do? After I reduced all my doses as I should? Why can't you just co-operate? I need to concentrate. I need to get some work done. Why do you make me stop what I'm doing so often? Life isn't supposed to stop for Diabetes. Yet, so many times it just has to. I hate this waiting game.

Maybe my meter is wrong. Maybe. Maybe something ELSE is wrong with me? Feelings of panic.....I STILL feel low. I mean, a serious low. I want to go home and hide from you Diabetes.....but you wont leave me alone. Thinking of my Maddison.....realizing she feels these feelings as a child. Thinking of all the children that do. So often. It breaks my heart. Not a good way to start my day today. Days like today I just want to shout LEAVE ME ALONE DIABETES!