Tonight I can't sleep, and I'm not sure why....I'm exhausted from being sicky all week...fever, body aches, headaches and a sore throat......running higher than I normally do. Nice how our numbers warn us of a lingering illness isnt it? But I still can't sleep. Last night I tossed and turned because of tingling toes. YES. Tingling toes. Needles. Pins and needles. My toes felt like fire. It wasnt the first time I've had tingling toes when my blood sugar is high.....to think that my Dad lives with this every single day.......My blood sugar was 238.....and Diabetes haunted me as I tried to sleep. How could I sleep when Diabetes is being a constant reminder with this tingling in my toes?
Can I develop Neuropathy just 3 years into this disease? My A1c's havent been over 6.2% for the last two years! Could it still happen? I know my tingling toes were due to the high blood sugar, and 238 is VERY high for me. Which makes me realize......238is common in our kids....and that makes me feel even more SICK. I thought the tingling toes were done haunting me last night after I finally fell asleep. Somehow, even though I dont feel the pins and needles in my toes tonight, it is still haunting my mind when I should be sleeping.
So, here I am. I can't sleep. I'm realizing I'm not immune to tingling toes. I'm not immune to Diabetes complications just because my A1c says I should be. I'm thinking of my Dad.... Wondering WHY he is where he is today. Wondering WHY Diabetes got the best of him. Wondering WHY. WHY was he diagnosed as an adult with Type 1? Why did I follow that path? Why WHY WHY couldnt Maddison have made it to be an adult before this disease invaded her life? Will I end up in the same place as my Dad, regardless of how well I manage my disease? WHY did I have that tingling in my toes last night? Does Maddison ever have that tingling? Will my sweet Maddison make it to the young age of 20 without complications? Am I doing all that I can do?
Damn you tingling toes! Damn you I say! It isnt often I think about MY Diabetes....somehow it usually just falls into the background. I just turned 32 over the weekend.....where will I be with this damn disease in another 5 years? Each birthday that passes since my diagnosis, I wonder.
A few weeks ago my Dad had surgery to correct the calcium deposits (dialysis related)on his eye. He tells my Mom he can see much better now, but he tells me that he can't. It seems to me that he doesn't want my Mom to know the truth, but he wants me to..... For a reason. He never wants me to be where he is today. I know that is his greatest fear. As much as I try to explain to him how we manage Diabetes today, I don't think he hears me. I try to tell him Maddison and I will be okay. I know he thinks I'm wrong. He really believes that Diabetes = complications. That breaks my heart.
Since my Dads diagnosis of Charcots foot months back, he talks to me alot about Diabetes. Something he never, ever did when we were growing up. Why would he? No one understood. It was just him and Diabetes. Even my mom had/has no idea what Diabetes is all about. At my Dads last check with the wound clinic, they say the arch of his foot has collapsed. I know he is very afraid of loosing his foot.....I'm afraid for him too. He went in for an xray of the foot today, to see where he goes from here. The wait was over two hours long. So he left. And now I'm left to wonder while he lives with the FEAR. Friday will be the telling day. Between my sister and I.....we will see to it that he STAYS for that xray!
It kills me to watch my Dad torn apart from Diabetes, more every year. I think seeing my Dad suffer every complication has made me the controlling Diabetes FREAK that I am. Had I seen my Dad thrive and stay healthy despite his disease I surely wouldn't have the same outlook as I do today. I surely wouldnt take every number so seriously. I surely wouldn't beat myself up over it either. But I do, and I have. I've seen it all sitting in that damn Dialysis clinic. I've seen my Dad in DKA too often when I was a child, even though I didnt know what it was at the time.....it still left its mark. Especially now knowing exactly what DKA really is. Today all my Dads hard times come back to haunt me with every number it seems. Especially when that pee stick turns purple for Maddison. My tingling toes......sleepless nights.....I hate what Diabetes has done to me on nights like this. I'm tired of remembering my Dads suffering....and then realizing.....he still is. Because of the same damn disease Maddison and I both have. Tonight I'm worried about that foot......about my tingling toes.....Maddison being a CHILD with Diabetes. I just want it to STOP. Tonight is a no good, terrible, draining, Diabetes thinking overload night! ACK! All because of my tingling toes!
Moving my blog again
5 years ago