Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wondering and being grateful

Tonight I'm left to wonder.....am I missing something in these numbers? Am I totally a failure as my child's pancreas? Is Diabetes really like this......or am I clueless? I know in my mind that I'm not clueless, but I FEEL like I am. How can THIS really be Diabetes? The totally unpredictable, no rules disease!! Are you kidding me?

I thought as people with Diabetes (or parents with a Diabetic child) that we had some kind of written guidelines to follow. WHY are we left alone with this disease? Why is the patient/parent the only one who knows best when it comes to adjusting and managing insulin and Diabetes? I would LOVE to be able to depend on a health care provider to make decisions for mine or Maddison's dosing. BUT, a health care provider can't manage Diabetes from an office. They can't see the whole blood sugar picture unless they live the life. Therefore, us people with Diabetes are on our own. Learn to manage. Strive to learn ALL you can, or else pay the price. There is no one but us!!

I know you are SO tired of hearing it....but I am still wondering what in the HELL is going on with Maddison at school!! PLEASE PLEASE tell me if you are throwing away your lunch Maddison! Today's numbers were totally fucked up. Now in comes morning highs!! Is it the Amoxicillian? Normally, I was bolusing 8c for Amoxicillian in the morning. Today was Maddison's first day back on preventative Amox and I was just to afraid of 22's to bolus any extra!! So I didnt!

7am waking up Maddison was 104
9am 2hrs post breakfast 307
11:02am lunchtime, 261
12:40pm not even 2 hrs after lunch, Maddison is 50. FIFTY!!!! Gave 12c glucose tabs
12:52pm 299 WTF? Seriously?
130pm 268 Snack time at school
430pm 123

Numbers are my enemy. I called the Endo again yesterday.....they couldnt offer me any other advice than what I have already done. Thats just great. When I am at the END of my rope, I expected help from the Endo. They had no advice to give. Its all up to me. What do you do when none of it makes sense and 22 is threatening your childs life?

If there is one thing that Diabetes has taught me, it is that you can always overcome more than you ever expected. Somehow, us parents always figure out how to keep our children safe, happy and healthy. Even if we feel entirely defeated, we still get back up and give 200%. Once again, tonight I have a plan for tomorrow.

Grateful

I know my blog has again become a depressing and gray place. Diabetes can be like that. Some people will admit it. Some wont. To all their own. These tough days dont mean I lose sight of what I'm grateful for. In fact, these days probably make alot of the little things in my life more appreciated.....

Smiles. I FEEL every smile that Hannah and Maddison show.

Health. Although I complain for all I have to do to keep us healthy.....I know we have it easy compared to some. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

My husband. Who drives me bonkers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Enough said!

My home. Its not alot. Its not a little....but its EXACTLY where I want to be.

My Hannah. My first born, what else can you say?

Maddison......Oh....my......Maddison......

Coffee.....could I survive without it?

My cell phone....you make me feel like I'm there for every moment, even when I'm far away. What in the WORLD did parents with kids do before cell phones!!??

Roxy and Diego. (the goldens) You drive me crazy. You stink. You make my house a mess....but you love me no matter how mean I am for the day, and always want to cuddle. THANK YOU for giving me no choice but to feel the love, even if all I want to do is hide!!

Our crappy insurance.....I appreciate you, even though you suck and cost as much as a mortgage.

Our insulin pumps....I am SO grateful Maddison has you. No more 7 shots a day. No more strict eating times. No more extreme highs and lows. Well....we wont talk about the lows now will we?!!

Computers.....If we lived in a day and age that computers weren't around...I think I would be a crazy cat lady. I NEED someone to hear me. I NEED support of other
parents that live this crazy life. I would be lost without my dear computer escape from reality!

I could honestly go on all day...I AM grateful for so much, even though I sound like a whiny, nagging bitch most of the time. Its midnight! Time to check the numbers!!! Tomorrow WILL be a better day!!!

3 comments:

phonelady said...

I will pray for you and your family and hope things get better for you all . at least the numbers anyway .

Anonymous said...

Here is my take on it (and you have only posted ONE DAY's numbers so based on the one day's numbers I would guess.

7am waking up Maddison was 104
Overnight numbers good.

9am 2hrs post breakfast 307
Prebolus? Lower ICR or change type of foods you give for breakfast or all three

11:02am lunchtime, 261
See if upping the lowering the ICR helps this tomorrow. If not, either lower ICR more or I would strongly suspect up the basals two hours before lunch

12:40pm not even 2 hrs after lunch, Maddison is 50. FIFTY!!!!
ICR at lunch is definitely too Low. Give less insulin for lunch

Gave 12c glucose tabs
12:52pm 299 WTF? Seriously?
Yes. It is a rebound blood sugar.
Even if one gram raised her blood sugar 8 points it should not raise it this high. If this happens again when her numbers are normal, I would also suspect her AFTERNOON basals 12 thru are too low.

130pm 268 Snack time at school
Still the same not sure.
430pm 123
Okay she dropped. I think the high sugar after lunch was definitely a rebound.
Need more numbers to really know, though. Don't tell me she is different every day. If she is, it's cgms time.

Hallie said...

Yeah, it sucks. Hang in there - you're doing a great job! I wish I had advice but I'm still so new at this I have no idea. We're experiencing a similar thing - my kiddo is high at school and crashing around 2. I blame it on the excitement of school but who knows? I, too, have another plan for tomorrow!
It's a scary thing to realize that, ultimately, you're the one in control. I just keeping thinking that this, too, shall pass - and hopefully quickly with no lasting marks.
I appreciate your honesty and your sharing your true thoughts and feelings. It's so nice to know that someone else is going thru the same things, feeling the same way. It makes this crappy disease a little more bearable.
Wishing you luck! Keep us posted!