Today I had a pre-surgical appointment with the Surgeon that will be doing my Hysterectomy. Does it sound bad if I say his age worries me a bit? He must be around 35. Maybe 38. His demeanor is what gives it away. He seems like he is fresh out of Med school, though he has been in practice several years. To me, I say experience is what counts......
All I keep hearing when I look at him, is my moms voice. Her voice, like the day she told me the story of my own birth as a child....
I was a twin. Born at this SAME hospital where my Hysterectomy is scheduled. I was early at 32 weeks gestation. 1977. Prematurity was still not managed as it is today.
My identical twin sister was delivered a few minutes before me. She was the strongest of us two, the one expected to survive. Sadly, she died from "stomach bleeding" just 5 days after delivery. My Mom blames herself, still to this day. Nearly 34 years later.
My Mom to this day feels the inexperience of the delivery doctor is what caused my sisters demise.
Something we will never know for sure.
What doesn't help is that this doctor pushed tube feedings with formulas, when all Mom wanted was to breast feed, to give her breast milk to her tiny preemie child. GUILT. To this day my Mom feels guilt. Guilt for not listening to her heart. She feels like giving in to formula feedings is what caused my sisters demise, even though it is not likely.
Ive always been told to trust my heart......
To this day Mom feels responsible her child didnt survive. Moms heart told her one thing, while a doctor told her another. And she listened, all trusting. Who is to say what really happened?
I always worry I will be all to trusting. Like we were when my Dad signed consent that day. Consent for a surgery that we knew in our hearts he could never survive.
To this day, its hard for me to trust Doctors. Its hard for me to trust healthcare, after what we endured with my Dads last hospitalization.
Ive seen another side. Another side we all like to think doesnt exist.
I know it is silly. I know Dads demise was an entirely different circumstance than what Im facing now. But it all feels the same at this moment.
Im not so trusting.
To remove my ovaries and proceed with HRT? Who is to say that is the right decision? For a T1 34yr old woman with Hyperthyroidism and family history of heart disease, breast cancer and stroke? Who is to say?
This doctor is young. Very young. His experience is lacking for my trust.
But his Super is one of the top advanced GYN surgeons in the WORLD. For that, I feel safe.
After my pre-surgical exam today I met with a hormone specialist. One last appointment before they approved my Ovaries to be removed. They wanted to be certain I knew what to expect for a woman of my young age. I confessed my fears of losing control of my Diabetes with HRT....
Do you know what he said?
He said he understands.
His son was dx'd with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of 2.
He understands! He REALLY understands!
My heart felt sure.
My heart felt safe.
I have a doctor that gets it.
Really gets it.
So what do I say?
I say I follow my heart.
I WILL be ok in the months/years to come. Because this Doctor understands the complexity of my/our decision.
Because he gets it. He knows.
He must be sent from heaven above.
Moving my blog again
9 years ago