Friday, December 31, 2010

Allota Work Ahead

Man, do I have allota work ahead of me in 2011! Mainly on the Diabetes side. In 2010 when something had to give to spare me some sanity, it was Diabetes diligence that took the back seat. Both Maddison and I have been sporting an a1c that is much higher than I'd like to see, and I'm sporting a chubby middle section that shows my lack of workouts for months now. I know I can do better. I know I can for both Maddison and I by bringing back what used to be the ONLY way Diabetes was allowed in this house.

My Diabetes rules in THIS house: (somehow they all disappeared!)

PREBOLUS ALL MEALS!! From Maddison's day 1 of Diabetes I have always been the Pre-bolus FREAK. That freak is required to make a stay in this house for 2011 and always.

Limited sweet treats!!!!

I'm up at 530am for 20 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training!!! THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE FOR ME!!!!!!

For myself, what used to be, I eat fairly low carb, and only low glycemic. I'm also used to eating every 2-3 hours. My food choices have become quite horrible!!! I do however, have a day or two of free eating days a week, because if pizza is for dinner, I eat that too. If we have a party to go to....I eat that too! But for the most part, during the school and work week I need to be following my eating rules!! My dad established these life habits by following his "Diabetic" diet, and dang it, I swear it is the only way to go. I know they say we "Can eat that" but we all know that isn't really true....

No eating if your sugar is over 200. Period. A longer pre-bolus needed!

I WILL NOT wear my site for 6 days any longer!! I promise!!

No more over treating MY lows! I will care what my sugar will be later. I will not just ignore it and check later. (I usually do this at bedtime because I just want to sleep RIGHT NOW!!))

Maddison WILL be taking on more of her Diabetes care. She needs to be held accountable if she doesn't check when I ask. I WILL NOT go to her and check for her when she ignored my request. She WILL do it herself. I cannot keep pretending her disease is my disease, because it isn't. (THIS IS THE HARDEST FOR ME)

For myself, I will get back to that 100 range 90% of the time. It is very possible, if I do what I USED to do by standard of care!!

For Maddison, I will not let fear of Dead in Bed Syndrome at night cause me to run Maddison higher. I WILL get her back to the 130's at night. I will make changes, if\when those highs come in, I will not wait around for two weeks for them to ''settle'' I will not fear night time lows!!! (Hmmmmmmm)

Thats about it. Its a good start. I NEVER imagined I would become lazy where Diabetes care is concerned. I guess Diabetes really does just become a ''new normal'' with time, but that doesnt mean we can become lazy and careless!!

2011, I'm ready. The DOC has heard my promise to myself. Now ya better hold me accountable!! :)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

On this day last year

Here come the last days of 2010! I should be thinking about personal goals I'd like to meet in 2011, but I'm stuck looking back to last year at this time, a time I had so much hope in my heart, yet so much fear and worry for my Dad's recovery. My Dad had his Quintuple Bypass a year ago yesterday. Words could never completely describe the following 24 days in CCU, followed by our fight to get my Dad to Hospice and discontinue life support. Today, I'm haunted. I'm drawn to going back through my blog posts, remembering the days as they come.....

I think I do this to help myself remember that we made the right decision in the end. I think I need to reflect back to move forward, because this time of year will forever be a tough time for me....

A year ago today

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas of Changes

Christmas turned out to be just perfectly beautiful this year! Super relaxing. No stress. Just a tad of emptiness in my heart.

We are used to hosting most of the holidays in our home, not really stressful per say, but always super busy for me. This year, we took Christmas back to Moms house for a change. Surrounded by family, it still seemed empty. Our first Christmas without my Dad, but in heart I felt his presence. For a moment I thought I might cry a tear or two, but then I remembered the peace he now has. No more pain. No more Dialysis. No more Diabetes. And that, is peaceful.

This was also our first Christmas without our "home" of 10+ years, and I must say my heart did ache just a little. I missed our fireplace where the stockings hung on Christmas morning.
From CHRISTMAS2010
CHRISTMAS 2008

I missed my Diego who each year so eagerly woke us on Christmas morning squeaking his new ball he found under the tree.....From CHRISTMAS2010
From December2009
I missed having my Christmas coffee poolside, enjoying the kids playing outside in the yard....I really missed our old home this holiday season!

From HOME

I also missed the sounds of our cul-de-sac friends playing outside early Christmas morning enjoying each other company while the kids sported new bikes, scooters and such. Yes, my heart did ache just a little. Now that its all said and done I must say despite all the changes this year it all ended up just like it should. Family. Friends. Lots of love and new memories to cherish, and thats all that really matters. Christmas of changes turned out just perfectly afterall.

Christmas Eve Surprise

Look what little surprise made our day on Christmas Eve...

From CHRISTMAS2010


A little bit of love from across the globe...

From CHRISTMAS2010


Thank you Houston family! Your "OrnaPod" gift brought tears to my eyes, and giggles from Maddison. There are no words to truly express how it feels to be connected to a family we never met, all because of this crazy life we all live.....

From CHRISTMAS2010


Have you ever seen Diabetes be beautiful? Thanks to the Houston family, today we have :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Silly Me

Back from my Endo appointment with only good news for a change! My Thyroid levels are perfectly in range, and I haven't had medication since September! YAY! Looks like removing the affected left lobe with the mass and cyst did the trick :) No more Hyperthyroid!

My A1c was MUCH lower than I expected. I was sure I had hit 8% for the first time ever. NOPE! Finger poke A1c showed 6.5% and the lab draw 2 weeks ago showed a 6.8% so I was pleasantly surprised! Shocked actually!

I have been feeling pretty angry with myself for the pure laziness on my part...lack of pre-bolusing especially. I have been making horrible food choices, eating too much, and not doing my morning workouts since September!! It has REALLY caught up with me! Im 5 lbs over my ideal weight! AHHHH!!!! I know you are thinking 5 lbs is nothing, but it is. It starts somewhere, and on my petite frame it SHOWS!

I talked with Dr D about my eating "issues" with the changing seasons, and how I'm dreadfully tired and lazy in the winter months. We are thinking its time to up the tiny dose of Celexa I take......I'm giving Apidra another try, and I might just go back to MDI to help curb my eating! The pump makes it too easy to eat whatever and whenever you want. If I had to shoot up for that cookie or candy, I might think twice. So, Im debating. Would I even know how the hell to dose corrections anymore? Sheesh, its been a l-o-n-g time since I've been on injections!

Turns out I'm now also anemic. That explains some of the fatigue Im having....if its not one thing its another for me!

Silly me, I was all freaked out about my level of Diabetes control lately. I guess Im not screwing up as much as I thought. But, I have alot of work ahead. I need to start with getting out of bed in the morning instead of hitting snooze. Snooze means no work out time in the mornings, and that is step one that needs to change!

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Bright Side

After sharing my wish for an early good riddance to 2010, I guess I should share the bright side of 2010 right?

Our Health- We still have our health, unlike many others. Lately it seems everywhere I turn friends, coworkers, neighbors and children are being diagnosed with conditions or diseases, many of which could even be terminal. 2010 blessed us yet again with good health, and I have had an "easy" year where Maddison's Diabetes management is concerned. That in itself, definitely gave 2010 a bright side!

By far the brightest side of 2010? Well...I couldn't save the best for last! I had to share it NOW!!! This year I have found a new level of "comfort" with Diabetes that I never thought was possible. I NEVER thought I would stop my obsessive tendency to micro manage numbers. I never thought I would be able to stop wondering every minute how Maddison's day was going while she is away from me. And, I never thought I could make it through a single day without guilt, anger or sorrow for numbers gone wrong. 2010 has brought peace with Diabetes. Ok, maybe not peace with Diabetes, but peace with numbers!!! In 2010 I can say that a number is JUST A NUMBER!!! For the first time ever!! Man, Ive come a long way! :)

Kitty- Kitty came to live with us! Maddison fell in love. E'nuf said!


In May 2010 my Hannah promoted to HIGH SCHOOL!!! Such an exciting time! Damn it! I'll say it....Its a scary time if you ask me!!!! Ok, truthfully having my Hannah move up to high school was traumatizing for me!! But, I'm over it now. For the most part. It was a B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L thing to see the pride and happiness shine through my Hannah all summer as she anticipated High school. Priceless.


Then came Callie after we lost Diego. Maddison fell in love. Again.


Back to Hannah :) In August Hannah was recruited for the J Varsity Volleyball team at school. She rocked the court as always being a "setter" but also blew her coach away playing a newly assigned position, outside hitter. Yep. Thats my Hannah :) The Mustangs ended the season with ZERO losses, if I remember correctly! Think Scholarship baby!

Our home.....we are very fortunate to have found the home we are in now. It is perfectly re-done inside and out. Spotless clean and brand new when we moved in. (You should have seen some of those rental homes we had to consider!! GAG ME!!) Though I miss our home of 10 years dearly, I can honestly say that now we have a chance to start over. Restructure. Re prioritize life. Cut back. Get down to basics. Teach our children to truly appreciate what they have in life, instead of expecting so much.

My husband. Josh and I have always put ourselves and our own relationship lowest on the priority list. Not intentionally, but ya know..... Life is busy. We work opposite shifts. He has days off during the week when I work. We are sleep deprived and tired. We each take a kid and get them where they need to be shuttled off too during the chaotic school week. We are always so concerned with what our kids are doing, should be doing, or want to be doing that we just let our own relationship slide. Two ships passing in the night. In 2010 13 years of living our lives this way finally caught up with us. That's not a good thing. This definitely is not a bright side to 2010, but now as 2010 draws to a close our marriage is stronger than ever. We are back on track. Prioritizing US. Our relationship. Our marriage. A healthier place, a happier place. A fulfilled place.

So, this is the brighter side of 2010. Always something to cherish, no matter how wrong things have been this year. We still have our health, each other, and a few more cuddly pets to love. We still have health insurance. Insulin pumps, a roof over our heads and steady jobs. Ultimately we have stronger relationships. New priorities. New direction. 2011....I'm ready.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mountains

Wow. What a change from the last time I wore the CGM! All I see now are mountains! I eat, SPIKE. 200's and 230's!!! Then I drop in to decent numbers by the 2nd hour. Level off in the 3rd. Eat again....SPIKE!!!

I've never been a "spiker." The highest I'd hit after eating was MAYBE 150, but, of course that was also when my numbers were more in the low 100's than what they are now in the 140's. What a total bummer. I've promised to start Pre-bolusing. Especially that morning coffee that sends me to the 230's each and every time! I see Dr D next week, its time to try Apidra again!

So tell me...how have you adjusted basals when using Apidra in the pump? Tracy? Kris? Anyone?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Good Riddance 2010

I'm pretty much done with 2010. Yep..I'd like this year to be over now, PLEASE?

I dont want to face the emotions that are coming this Christmas Season.

Last year, in late 2009 I looked ahead towards the new coming year. I swore to myself 2010 would hold bigger and better things. I had a family plan for 2010 to lessen stress, spend more time with those that mean the most to us, and meet some personal goals. Just alot of little things I was determined to improve in our lives. Yes, 2009 was a decent year. We had some struggles with Maddison and her Diabetes, (faking lows to get out of class) school stress, my Dad was sick alot, insurance issues. Not the best year. Not very productive either. Pretty uneventful actually, but decent nonetheless.

And then came December 2009.

12-12-2009, my Mom turned 59!! We celebrated the traditional way with family gathering for dinner, decorating Mom and Dads Christmas Tree, and spending the night watching Christmas movies while we decked the halls! Dad was the usual. He pretended to be Mr Bah-Humbug, although we all know he really enjoys Christmas again since his grandkids were born! Silly Dad! We could see right through you!

December will always SUCK in my mind....and here is why....

The next afternoon my Mom called. Dad needed to go to the ER. He had been vomiting for hours. Vomiting usually meant Dad had a looming infection from his Peritoneal Dialysis. Or, he was heading towards DKA.

As usual, my Mom called me back once my Dad was taken from the ER and admitted to a room upstairs. By this time it was late in the evening and Mom assured me Dad was okay. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another hospital admission for Diabetes gone crazy she said. It didnt seem Dad had an infection. No real explanation for his illness. So, I went to bed and planned on stopping at the hospital in the morning on my way to work. It was the first time I didnt rush to the hospital to sit with Mom and check in on my Dad. I felt terribly guilty.

So, the next morning my Mom called in a panic. They had finally just told her my Dads blood sugar when admitted to the ER was over 1300. In an instant I was out the door and on my way. Still no infection found. What the hell was going on?! No infection?! What is the problem then?

A heart attack. They finally determined my Dad had a "minor" heart attack, which sent his blood sugar soaring to astronomical levels. Which caused DKA.

It was all downhill from there. 2009 was officially shot to shit December of last year. Ohhh how I wish December 2009 and the entire year of 2010 could be a BIG-FAT-RE-DO!!!!!!

So, ya...2010....IM DONE!! GOOD RIDDANCE!! 2010 has been the WORST YEAR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HEARTACHE!!! BECAUSE.....Dad had a Quintuple Bypass on 12-29-2009 which meant we spent 14 hour days sitting in CCU/ICU through the NEW YEAR 2010 "helping" my Dad recover. By New years Eve Dad was impressing the hospital staff with his drive to get the hell out of that hospital. He walked when they said walk. Coughed when they said cough, and did everything he could to go home by Day 4 post surgery as planned. New Years Eve I sat with my Mom in Dads hospital room talking about how 2010 was going to be so great, because if Dad could overcome THIS then I had some serious things **I** needed to work towards for the new year. I was so proud of my Dad. Amazed at his strength. Amazed at his determination.

Then came New Years Day.

Post OP Day 4

The worst day

Bronchoscopy

His Eyes

Day 10

OFF THE VENT!!

FINALLY!!!

Downhill

Beginning of the END

HOSPICE

Above I leave links to posts I wrote last year, so you can see why I despise 2010. So you can read why I am the blogger I am. So you can see how 2010 changed the person I am. So you can understand my hatred of this disease. This blog may not be the happiest most encouraging blog around, but its honest.

2010 also held alot of other heartache besides the grief of what my Father went through....

A week after Easter Maddison's new puppy drown in our pool. How do you tell your children THAT when they come home from school?

In May we recieved notice our mortgage company denied our home loan modification...now what?

In June/July Id hit rock bottom. Greiving I guess. Self destruction. I had become someone I'm not.

In July we questioned divorce and seperated.

In August our beloved Diego died, we had just found out two weeks before that he had Lymphoma.

I had Thyroid surgery the week after. For a possible cancerous mass.

In October our "perfect" home of ten years sold to auction without notice. So much for them working on a "new modification plan". We were out in 2 weeks.

Which bring us to November.....

STARTING OVER. AGAIN. It seems every year since Maddison's diagnosis we have started over for one reason or another. But right now, Im HAPPY where we are. Sure, we will be having our first Christmas in 10 years in a home that is like a stranger....but, we are starting over. We are healthy. We are together. Life is back on track. 2011 will be a new year. So, can we just FFWD past December please? Good riddance to 2010!!

4 years

4 years ago today life as we knew it changed. FOREVER. 498. One very sick little girl cried in the back seat of the car, all the way to the ER. She knew. Wise beyond her 6 years of age, she understood this meant she would have to take shots like her Mommy and her Grandpa. She sobbed, but not because of injections. Grandpa had been very sick lately. She knew Diabetes was to blame. "Am I going to die Daddy?"

12-4-2006, a Monday. I'll remember that day forever. Our simple life vanished before our eyes. Just-like-that. The next 72 hours would be spent in a crash course of how to keep my child alive. But, I had an advantage right? I was diagnosed 9 months before. I should already know all this right? Of course. Of course I did,(not really) yet words cannot explain how I felt KNOWING what really lied ahead for Maddison. KNOWING what she would feel with every high, and KNOWING how she would feel when lows became disabling. Knowing that fear was now something that Maddison would face often as a person with Diabetes. I thought I knew what lied ahead...you never REALLY know though, do you?

I sat alone crying in the corner of the hospital room watching Maddison sleep. Afraid that any minute she would have a seizure from a low. I was still new enough to Diabetes that low blood sugars scared the H-E-L-L out of me. I had just spent an hour arguing with the nurses about how much Lantus to give Maddison for the first time. You see, Maddison may have come into that ER with a 498 blood sugar, but after sitting 8 hours waiting to be taken upstairs to our room, Maddison's blood sugar had dropped to 81. WITHOUT insulin. Just some good old IV fluids. (and fasting for 8 hours) Yet, the Doctors orders still said to give 3 units of Lantus. It was this very moment that I realized **I** make the decisions that give my child life, or takes it.

The Endo eventually agreed to dosing Maddison just 1/2 unit of Lantus as I suggested, but Maddison still crashed to 46 by 4am. If that 3 units of Lantus was given as originally ordered, we would have been in for some serious trouble.
12-4-2006 was also the day I learned to listen to my inner voice. To this day I trust my own intuition more than any medical advice.

That first night in the hospital was pure torture. The IV's. The finger pokes. The blood draws. I cried in silence. I Sobbed. All. Night. Long. I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. Dispare. Shock. Fear. Relief.

Relief because we had caught Maddison's diagnosis earlier than most. Relief because we were of the "lucky" ones to have been spared DKA. Thankful that it was "only Diabetes." And thankful I'd be bringing my child home after a few short days.

For the next 3 months or so my emotions ran wild. I sobbed every day while driving to work. Heck, as soon as I was left alone the tears would flow. On like a switch. All my pent up emotions came bursting out the moment I was away from watchful eyes. Some days I'd sit in the corner of my bedroom closet and just cry. Quietly. Some days I had to call in sick to work. I'd drop Maddison off at school and then park in the parking lot. FROZEN. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stand to be too far away. What if she had a bad low at school and they needed to call 9-1-1?? If I did manage to leave the parking lot I'd cry all the way home and crawl into bed. Exhausted and totally drained. With cell phone in hand....and just sleep until it was time to pick Maddison up again.

I couldn't focus. I avoided friends and family. I couldn't eat, and certainly couldn't sleep. I worried about every minute of Maddison's day. Especially while she was at school. EVERY-SINGLE-MINUTE I wondered if Maddison was safe. Somehow I managed to put on a happy face every day. For Maddison. For Hannah. My happy face became like a switch, flipped on when my kids were around.

Looking back I probably needed some serious mental help, but who's to say what normal grieving is when you lose your childs promise of health? Who is to say what normal feelings are when you are faced with injecting precise doses of insulin multiple times a day to keep your child ALIVE?

The day I began to come out of the grieving stage I will never forget. A neighbor friend mentioned how happy Maddison looked. At that moment, I swear, dark skies turned blue. HAPPY?? My body felt alive again. Hearing the word HAPPY....it echoed in my mind. HAPPY? Maddison IS happy!? Why am **I** such a freaking mess!!?? My baby is ALIVE and healthy again! She feels GOOD! Better than she has in months!! She is smiling!! Running and playing in the sunshine!! She is loving life again! She IS HAPPY!!She sings again! She dances! She laughs!! She has energy galore!!She is herself again!!! No more grumpies from being sick. No more meltdowns. No more dark circles under her eyes. No more weight loss. No more "sick" Maddison. Just smiles and LOTS of energy.

This time I finally HEARD it, and my heart listened. Maddison was indeed HAPPY!!

I sat and watched that girl play for hours! With peaceful feelings for the first time in MONTHS. Without worry. All warm and fuzzy inside. It was that very moment that life started over again. I was finally moving past the grieving stage.

It was around this time that I realized Maddison was catching all her lows. Again, we were very lucky. We didn't have the added stress of unawareness like so many others. Time brought confidence in managing Maddison's Diabetes, but that doesn't mean that confidence brought peace with our days and nights. I was still very angry. Angry for all the finger pokes, injections, highs and lows. Angry that Diabetes was so difficult. Angry that any child had to endure all this, all day. Every day. I was angry at the world.

Six months after Maddison's diagnosis we both started the pump. Whatever was "comfortable" in managing Diabetes by then was suddenly crazy again. Starting the pump was incredibly stressful. The pump made Diabetes visible. For the first time ever Maddison hated her disease. Because others could see it. She hated the questions, the staring eyes. The whispers. My confident little girl who for months so eagerly told everyone she had Diabetes now wanted to hide from the world. Maddison wasn't proud anymore. She was tired. Tired of it all.

Somehow we made it through the pump transition and Maddison ended up deciding she didnt hate the pump so much after all. She decided to stick with it. I however, HATED that fucking insulin pump. I hated how it made Maddison feel about her disease. I too, hated seeing Diabetes visible. I was sucked more into anger and guilt than ever before....because of that damn insulin pump. But, once again, TIME helped to heal both our broken hearts. Now we wouldn't trade our insulin pump for millions :)

By the end of the first year I had passed the anger stage and had fallen into acceptance. I still had days of denying that life would always be this complicated, but for the most part I was ready to do something about it. I was ready to help other parents that faced a new diagnosis. So, I signed up to be a mentor Mom through JDRF. Then I started my blog with the idea I could help other D parents know that what they are feeling is okay....to help them know that those first months are a roller coaster ride of emotions for everyone. What ended up happening was really quite the opposite. **I** was taken in and given the support and understanding from everyone in the DOC! Funny how I set out to help others by blogging, but everyone in the DOC actually helped ME!!

WOW...if you have made it this far into this blog post I'm impressed! I cant seem to stay on track! What I really mean to say as I pour out my heart today is this...

We are 4 years in, as of today. Today I can honestly say that both Maddison and I are at a place I never felt we could actually be. We are accepting of our Disease. Acceptance is a beautiful place to be.

Definition of Acceptance---a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Acceptance may imply only a lack of outward, behavioral attempts at possible change, but the word is also used more specifically for a felt or hypothesized cognitive or emotional state.

One thing Ive learned with Diabetes is that the emotions will ALWAYS be there, and day to day your feeling may still change. I used to think we would get to this "Acceptance" stage with Diabetes and life would be less complicated as emotions settled. WOW, was I wrong. I've learned the hardest part of living with Diabetes by far, is the emotional aspects. We can take the highs and lows....the pokes and pain....but the emotional side of Diabetes is by far the most difficult. For me anyway.

4 years in. We have accepted this life, yet we still fear the future sometimes. Even Maddison. Even at the innocent age of 10. We still cry. We still want to scream at the world sometimes. We still want to crawl in bed and hide when numbers go crazy. I still cringe sometimes as sirens blare down the road towards the school. I still have days that I want to give up. We still struggle with Diabetes visible sometimes. We still HATE Diabetes. That will never change. But, acceptance is a beautiful thing. And so is my Maddison :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Looney Bin

Sometimes I think maybe I DO belong in the looney bin! Yesterday I was an emotional mess. I have MAJOR PMS issues every month besides being a person who can be easily discouraged. One icky thing in the morning can set my mood for the day. Its terrible. When PMS comes around, I turn into someone I'm not. Really.

Some PMS days (like yesterday) I just climb into bed after work and take a nap becuase I can't stand the meanie person I become. I guess sometimes that nap is just what I need to refocus and find ME again. BECAUSE.....

Today's attitude compared to yesterday is a total 360. I'm optimistic, inspired, determined, focused, READY to conquer anything that comes my way. ESPECIALLY the Diabetes monster. Last night I slapped on the CGM again instead of ignoring the fact that my numbers need alot of work. Today I'm not worried about Diabetes, or anything really....I'm confident I'll get myself back on track and the world is back to being full of color, not black and white doom and gloom. SILLY ME. Damn you PMS. Yesterday I really thought I needed to be admitted to the Looney Bin. Today? Today I see the light. :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Controlled

Weeks turned into months. Im still left questioning. Worrying. Missing what used to be. I used to have it easy. For 5 years my Diabetes has been "easy" compared to most. "Easy" compared to managing Maddison's Diabetes. My A1c has been between 6.0 to 6.3 for the last 5 years!!! Without too much effort. I rarely needed to make many dosing changes, I've never had to log problem numbers. My next A1c is going to be
B-A-D. Around 8% or even 9% Im guessing!!!

I know I've said this before, but Im venting again. I used to be able to bolus and end up with blood sugars right back where I started. 99% of the time! I ranged usually around 80-110. I rarely saw numbers over 140, if I did it was an obvious carb counting error on my part. But this past year my average number has inched up from 110's to 140's. 160's to 180's. 200's. Im freaking out here people!!

280's are happening daily. 300's if I eat what I want to. Which, I am too often. I admit it. My diet is SUCKING right now. Partly because my bad attitude towards my body deciding to turn on me, (screw it why should I care?) and partly out of carelessness. (sites that dont get changed) I never had to watch every tiny carb I eat. I could eat fruit and only need half the insulin per carb count. I could eat things like nuts and cottage cheese without carbing for them. Not any longer. Every-single-carb-counts. If I were sick and my numbers rarely reflected it. I'd correct a high and end up perfectly in range the first attempt. My sensitivity was around 200....now its more like 60. CGM lines were flat lines. No spikes. TDD was around 12units. Now I'm up to 20 or so. (of course my sucky eating habits dont help my current TDD) -Sigh- Diabetes is taking me over, and its not so "easy" anymore.

Its scary. Its frustrating. Its scary. Did I mention its scary? I can see my disease becoming more "serious" every day. Like "real" Diabetes! As in, it controls ME and all I can do is try my best. I never feared for myself, because ***I WAS IN TOTAL CONTROL*** I REALLY was! I'm feeling defeated today. I've never felt like a "real" person with Diabetes.....because I've had it so "easy." Lately I'm feeling like I've been diagnosed with this disease all over again. The FEAR. "Real" Diabetes. This is for real. This is my life?

Im not liking the way my eyes are blurry when Im high. Im not liking the extra attention I need to give to my numbers. I'm not liking correcting and staying high. Im not liking feeling low at 100. Im not liking brain fog as I hang out in the 200's half the day. I'm not liking this. I'm not feeling so optimistic. I'm feeling controlled by this thing invading my body. CONTROLLED. I'm making adjustments every day and getting no where. Today I want to crawl in bed and hide.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Memories

Im not sure how Im feeling today. A mixture of appreciation for everything our lives are blessed with, big and small. Our home, our jobs, my kids, my husband, crazy pets, the food we eat, our health....but Im also struck with emptiness and sadness for facing our first Thanksgiving without my Dad. AND....I'm struck with the normal super lovey feelings I have every turkey day because my Hannah was born on this day!!! (the 28th) Today marks 14 years of Turkey Days with my Baby Hannah!!! I always think of Thanksgiving as Hannah's "real" birthday....

Every Thanksgiving I'm thrown back to memories of when my Hannah was born. Hannah was born 3 weeks early. She was a tiny 5lbs 15oz, she was perfect. Everywhere we went people commented on how b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l she was. -Sigh- I remember staring at her for hours like every new Mom does. Sometimes when I look at Hannah I go back to those days of pure bliss. Nearing 14 (on Sunday!) I HAVE TO remember the blissful days or I'll never make it through the teen years!! This girl drives me CRAZY!!!


Last Thanksgiving we didn't know it would be the last we had with my Dad. Today my heart is sad and empty, especially being that EVERYTHING we did for Thanksgiving was centered around my Dad. He was the king of the castle. The one we always wanted to please the most, because he owned our hearts and worked SO hard his whole life to provide for his family. Then Diabetes took away everything he ever was. Diabetes stole his health and well being, his active lifestyle. What it never took was his great-big-heart and love for his family. Today I miss his smile. I miss his meanie sense of humor. I miss his love of my deviled eggs and Thanksgiving dinner. I miss the strength he gave me every day, because he understood our lives with Diabetes. He despised the disease. He hurt from the disease, yet he encouraged me everyday.

On holidays like today we always wanted to accommodate my Dad FIRST, especially because getting out of the house on Dialysis was so hard for him. (Holidays were always at our house) Dad never felt well. He was never able to stay too long. We all made his favorite foods according to the "kidney" diet. We set aside a place in our home he could go for some quiet time and rest. A place he could do his Dialysis exchange that was sterile. Last year Thanksgiving was held at my Mother in Laws house....

Dad never liked Holidays anywhere but my house. He wasnt comfortable away from home, but he came anyway, no matter how torn up he was feeling. Last Thanksgiving Dad wobbled around with a cane because his Charcots Foot. Dad liked to tease Maddison with his new cane, poking her and acting like a "grumpy old man." Yet somehow, last year was different than all the Thanksgiving past.

Last Thanksgiving my Dad SHINED. He SMILED almost constantly. HE JOKED AND LAUGHED ALOT!! He lit up the room, and everyone commented on how good he was feeling for once. He felt REALLY good. Almost healthy! You could see it, even see in his eyes. I remember thinking maybe Dads health was improving. He hadn't had a Peritoneal infection all year. He was more active, doing small things around the house. His entire attitude had changed. He was a changing man at heart, in so many ways.

Today I will remember my Dad last year. I will remember his smile. I will remember that he enjoyed his last Thanksgiving in awesome spirits, surrounded with family and friends. AND, he actually enjoyed the family chaos!! He stayed a long time. He talked to everyone. He even went out of his way to make it a good day! Sometimes I wonder if he knew it would be his last Thanksgiving. When I think back to how different Dad was last Thanksgiving (even in personality) I feel like he knew he needed to cherish the day. Cherish, he did. My heart will always remember Thanksgiving 2009. The day my Dad SHINED.


I could go on all day...especially since my throat has a frog in it and I want to pour out my heart! Lets just say CHERISH your family today, even your CRAZY Aunt Bessie!!

Happy Thanksgiving all! Im eternally thankful for all my D mommas!! Today I'm incredibly thankful for the DOC! ((HUGS)) to all!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Effort

Today Maddison had her 3 month Endo appointment. -Sigh- As usual, it is NEVER what I expect. I have been feeling less concerned with Maddison's growth over the past few months, I thought she seemed to have been getting a bit taller. I guess not as expected according to the charts. Dr D is again concerned about Maddison falling off her growth curve. So, we either schedule an Endoscopy to rule out Celiac (many many symptoms but labs all show "negative") or we schedule a GH stimulation test. I'm thinking we better just do the Scope. Better to be safe than sorry years down the line. Maddison doesn't even have any T1 Antibodies....maybe she just doesn't show any for Celiac either?

So, Maddison's A1c went up from 6.9 in August to 7.1 (by finger poke today) The lab draw from 3 weeks ago showed her A1c at 7.3! ACK! I'll take the 7.1 thank you very much! Although Maddison's A1c is still really good, it isn't what I expected. I expected Maddison's A1c to be improved from the 6.9% based on her current meter average, but OH WELL. It is what it is. Pretty darn good for such little effort I guess.

Little effort? Little effort where T1 and kids is concerned is still alot if you ask me! We still check every 3 hours 24/7. We still count carbs. We still do everything we are supposed to do. Its still alot of work sometimes!

As Ive said in my last few blog posts, we have just had several months of great predictability and "stability" with Maddison's numbers. I REALLY needed this kind of Diabetes break after my Thyroid surgery and moving!! Little effort? No, Ive just been lazy. Really. Ive been lazy with Diabetes care. (today my site was 7 days old!!) Being lazy makes me feel horribly guilty. HORRIBLY. I could be doing so much more to get Maddison's numbers in a bit of a better place.....but isnt it just exhausting to be perfect all the time? Can't I just take a break from the logging and perfecting? Can't I just back off and let numbers BE sometimes?

Not really. Not without feeling guilty anyway. Not when your child's health is in your hands. But, I have. I've just let numbers be. I see the weird nights. I sleep a little longer. I could have checked that high 2 hours after the correction but I waited until the 3rd hour. Because I wanted to sleep. I'll admit it, even though THAT makes me feel terribly, horribly guilty!!

We haven't been pre-bolusing either. I ALWAYS swore pre-bolusing is the ONLY way to go. Even if it was only 10c pre-bolused before a meal. Every little bit helps. Today I cant remember the last time we pre-bolused. For me, or Maddison. GUILT GUILT GUILT. Its horrible. These days I let Maddison eat whenever, even if she is too high. I NEVER used to let her do that, I would pre-bolus and WAIT. Not so much anymore. For myself? I NEVER ate if I was over 180. HA! Now all I do is eat! Extra coffee in the morning? SURE!! Double the too sweet creamer why dontcha!! I'll pass on the typical Apple, Almonds and Cheese for my breakfast please! Bring on the HOLY CARB LOAD CEREAL!! Its been BAD. My food choices have been BAD!!

Ive always been a freak about my food choices. Ive always been super healthy and low carb. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!?? ITS TERRIBLE!! I used to stick to under 80 carbs a day and now I frequent 150 or 200!!! Thats double!! Which means more insulin, which means more weight gain....can I blame my Thyroid or have I just suddenly turned into Ms Piggy? Stress? New medication? I think I better step up and figure this out! Maybe Ive just been burned out and Im on Diabetes strike?

I could be doing so much better for Maddison, and myself....Yet Im stuck with the attitude that we are doing "good enough." Thats terrible. Our health could be better, with a little more effort. Where did my effort go!!?? I already know my A1c in December will be the highest EVER. "Good enough" needs to go away. I need to get back to simple things like changing sites on time and pre-bolusing. Where did my effort go!!?? Where did my crazy obsession over doing everything Diabetes to my highest possible ability go!? I can do SO much better for Maddison. For me. Im not talking about an A1c. I'm just talking about a little more effort. Someone please give me a kick in the right direction!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Funny How that Worked

After 4 days of Maddison having consistent 300's after breakfast, I decided to pull out the old log books instead of racking my brain making basal changes. Actually, I sat for about an hour looking over her numbers unsure of how drastic a change was needed. 300's for 4 days is a pretty clear sign that something is changing in that little body!

I first noticed Maddison had a .7 correction after breakfast which brought her to a perfect number before lunch. Sometimes a little change goes a long way, especially when your ISF is around 210. So, I knew Maddison's basals and ratio needed to provide a .7 increase overall for the morning, but where? Starting at what time? Basal? Ratio? Or both? Sooo....I was feeling a little sneaky and clever. I pulled out the old log books and reset Maddison's pump to what her needs were in May, BEFORE her insulin needs dropped significantly in the morning.

What did I see? When I compared the old basal rates to her current rates (that are leaving her in the 300's now after breakfast) I calculated that the insulin dosing THEN was exactly .7 HIGHER than what her pump is set at now. So all I did was change all her basals back to the old ones! No crazy brain work involved!

The end result? 175 after breakfast. Much better than 300! Funny how it worked! I worried all day while she was at school that the change I made was too drastic. All I had to do was flip back to her OLD insulin needs? From MAY? I thought everytime Diabetes changed I had to spend endless hours racking my brain deciding where to change and how much to change! I guess not! Of course, this was just a one day result. Tomorrow....a weekened.....SHIT. Weekends are never the same as weekdays! I'll likely have to wait until next school week to tell if this change is the right change. I think our pump will now have a "growth spurt" pattern!! Take THAT Diabetes!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

6 Days

And so, it never fails. The highs are back. I knew we wouldnt stay on an "easy" streak much longer. In 6 days Maddison has her Endo appointment. What nice timing the highs always have. But...I TRICKED Diabetes THIS time! Last week Maddison had her yearly labs drawn which will include her A1c. So HA! HA Diabetes! I WILL see what Maddison's TRUE A1c is without this crazy streak of new highs invading the result! Next week I will be excited to see how the finger poke A1c varies from the lab draw. 250's to 380's the week before an A1c is SURE to throw Maddie's result off. (not that the result actually matters right?) Hear my evil laugh...WE tricked you this time Diabetes!!! HA! We are a week ahead of your evil ways!

Three new sites in 2 days. Maddie is still high. At 3am she woke up pukey, with ketones moderate to high. Sugars near 400. She had gone to bed at 160. I thought maybe her extra long bath threw off her basals, or ruined the new site. She did have ICE CREAM after dinner. But ketones? Who knows. Needless to say, we were late to school this morning while we waited for the ketones to be flushed with a nice big breakfast bolus and plenty of water. 215 before breakfast....378 after. UGH. Here we go. Here comes morning basal change craziness. 6 days until the ENDO visit....but guess what Diabetes!!?? Im a week ahead of you! (Evil laugh)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Switching the Sites

Saturday Maddison had her site changed from the normal arm site, to an upper/side butt site. She is lucky she has so much baby fat on that butt of hers! I refuse to ever put a site on my butt! I tried once, and never again! It just doesn't feel right. I normally place MY pump sites on my less than beautiful love handles. :) Pinching an inch (or three) is worth it when it comes to pump sites! Good thing I gained back all the weight I lost!

ANYWAY, back to Maddison's BUM sites. They suck. They are unpredictable, and they run her sugars at LEAST 50pts higher. What was our longest streak EVER of great numbers, has ended. Trying to use the rested BUM territory has proved to not be such a good idea. HOPEFULLY these 200's to 280's are from switching back to the BUM. Hopefully her new arm site today will get her back on track. We shall see.

I suppose I could figure out different basal and ratio settings for other site areas. I tried that once with tummy sites, they run Maddison low, low, low. Arms are perfect. Butt she's high, tummy she is low......Sheesh. No wonder my brain is mush and I can't even remember what day it is. For now, I'm switching the sites back to what works. Screw the added stress of figuring out other sites. Some days you just gotta go with what works, and not try to perfect this freaking disease. Now...lets just hope it really is the site!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Gaining Weight

Thank goodness she is gaining weight. If she wasn't, I'd be a mess. The other day Hannah was shocked to see her weight has reached even with mine. I was delighted. All my girl seems to do is eat. She is always hungry. Always craving something crazy. Just like I did before I was diagnosed with Diabetes. But, also just like many teenage girls do. Still in my mind, I watch.

She is gaining weight I tell myself. Over and over and over again. Stop thinking about it, I tell myself. She isn't losing weight. Gaining weight is good. Hannah is gaining weight. Not losing. My mind stays at ease.

I've been thinking back to my own diagnosis alot lately. Because I see all the signs in Hannah. I remember how hungry I was. At the time, I was in really good shape after committing to lose the baby weight I gained with Maddison. I was running miles a day and strength training. I felt really good actually. Until the hunger set in.

I remember telling the girls at work one day how all I do is eat! Working out so much made me starving! Building muscle needed some serious protein I guess right!!?? Id eat constantly it seemed. Then came the thirst. Ive ALWAYS been a super thirsty person, so maybe the AZ summer just had me this year? I started to wake up at night to pee. I knew then. But didnt "believe" it. Achy muscles. Leg cramps at night. The headaches. Months of battling "icky" and "flu like" feelings without a diagnosis.

I started to fall asleep when reading to the girls before bed. I couldnt stay awake. On hectic school mornings I'd lose my cool and FREAK OUT. Over nothing. I'd scream and yell at my kids. I mean SCREAM like a crazy chick. Losing control of my emotions. I FELT out of control. Even my kids could see this monster looming inside of me. They just didnt know what it was.

It was then that I knew I had to admit Diabetes caught up to me. But I didnt feel "sick." I just felt terrible. "Sick" with a "disease"?????? No, I would feel worse than this if I really HAD Diabetes right? I kept thinking, I cant have a DISEASE!! I don't feel THAT bad!

Almost overnight my vision blurred. I'd sit motionless on the couch after work. A friend mentioned my weight loss. So, I decided it was time. The weight loss made me seek help. From 125lbs to 107. In a week or two. A1c 13.2%

Denial. Denial is powerful.

My Hannah. She IS gaining weight with all this eating. Thank goodness. Right?

But, my mind is racing. Randomly for months I have been awakened in the middle of the night to sounds of a flushing toilet. TWICE last night. I'd understand if it were Maddison. But its Hannah. My Hannah shows all the signs. And then they disappear.

Hannah stayed home Saturday night because she was too tired to hang with her friends. Too tired? She's been sleeping every chance she gets lately. Too tired? Ummm...NO. She cant be. She can't be too tired, because she is gaining weight!! RIGHT!!?? I'm battling these thoughts in my mind.

Sometimes she has Stomach aches and doesnt want to eat before school. She's been battling sore throats and achy muscles on and off for months. Did she SERIOUSLY just text me from her room to bring her a glass of water? Is she trying to tell me she is worried about herself too!!?? Tonight, that's exactly what she did.

We all wonder about our other children. We wonder if Diabetes will invade their bodies too. Our family? 3 generations of T1 on my side. 2 (or more) on the Husbands side. Both sides. That can't be good.

Four years ago. This very same time of year, I fought this very same feeling. But it was Maddison. Not Hannah like it is today.

I KNEW Maddison had Diabetes. I KNEW it. People thought I was crazy. They thought I was just paranoid from my own diagnosis 9 months prior. I KNEW Maddison's time had come, but somehow my mind played tricks on me anyway. I covered every excuse in the book. She is thinner because she is growing taller. She is wetting the bed because she is drinking so much, drinking so much because its 100 degrees in November. Grumpy because Kindergarten is tough! Then came her morning melt downs. Just like the ones I had before my diagnosis. I'll always remember that morning. Maddison asked me for the last time to "get a wet cloth for her tingly eyes."

Her "tingly" eyes, I knew were blurry eyes. Being 6 she just didnt know how to explain it. One denying Mom sent Maddison to the Pediatrician with Dad. Even though all I had to do was poke her finger myself. But I couldnt. I dont know why. One denying Doctor refused to test her sugar because "if she had Diabetes she would be much more sick than this." One poke. 497. Three days in Childrens Hospital. Two lives invaded. Caught early, with a 8.5% A1c. I'll always feel very fortunate for that.

We are nearing Maddison's 4th year with Diabetes on December 4th. I cant believe that now Im sitting here thinking about Hannah. Worrying about Hannah. In a way I say to myself her time has come.....I feel it. I know it. Yet, in a way I know it cant be. It couldnt be. Right? She is gaining weight. Thats all I need to know for today. She is safe. For now. I know she is. Or am I in denial? Hannah had an A1c drawn last year. It was 5.5% which didnt really make me feel any relief from the constant wonder of when Diabetes will strike again. I guess now Im just left to feel confused. Ignoring what I see, until I see the obvious. That feels wrong to me too. I dont know what feels right. I dont know what to think. Maybe I shouldnt think. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

She is gaining weight. Thats all I keep telling myself. She is gaining weight. Every glass of water. Every flush of the toilet. Every enormous amount of food consumed. Every craving. Every headache. Every nap. It all makes me say....BUT SHE IS GAINING WEIGHT!!! THANK GOODNESS!!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

451

I can't sleep yet. I should have known hours ago when Maddison said how thirsty she was. Somehow we got distracted and didnt check that "thirsty" complaint like we should have. 451. Moderate ketones. Bad site, I assume. Easy fix right? We shall see....371 an hour later. Its gonna be a long night here.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Since I haven't been hearing my alarms for night checks lately, I can't risk not waking up tonight. So, I'm sleepless for the next several hours. Amazing how Diabetes can change so quickly.

I'll be checking Maddison's sugar again at the 2 hr mark anyway, then again at the 3hour mark (when her correction dose is worn off) to see where her sugar range "SHOULD" stay till morning. But what if it isn't a bad site? What if Maddison is getting sick? Did I jinx it when I blogged about all the awesome predictability we have been having with Maddison's numbers being just right for a few months now? DAMN. You'd think I'd learn not to say it!

Ive been floating along on my little cloud of "easy" Diabetes days for awhile now. Im so grateful for these times!!! Seriously, we all need this kind of break once in a while. These "easy times" can really chill out your hatred of the disease, and improve your stress level. For real. But, now I sit and wonder. Is Diabetes gonna be back to kicking my ass? Right before our ENDO appointment in 2 weeks? I wouldnt be surprised! CRAZY how that happens! Next sugar check should tell I guess. -Sigh-

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

6 Things


For D blog day, this years topic is: 6 things you want people to know about Diabetes. I have more like 600 things I'd like you to know, but I guess I can narrow it down......maybe.....

1) Type 1 Diabetes is an Autoimmune disease, meaning the body turns against itself. In T1 Diabetes the body's immune system continually attacks and destroys the Beta cells in the Pancreas which produce Insulin. Again, Maddison's white blood cells recognized the insulin producing cells in her pancreas as "foreign"; the white blood cells launched an attack and decimated the beta cells; the insulin producing cells. Insulin is a hormone that you cannot live without. It allows your body to derive energy from carbohydrate containing foods. Insulin is the ONLY treatment for Type 1 Diabetes. (Stolen from Reyna's blog)

2) The question "Is Maddison's Diabetes controlled?" is one that makes Parents with Diabetic kids SCREAM inside. Technically speaking, if my child is alive, then YES, her Diabetes is "controlled" because it hasn't killed her. Your "control" of blood sugars isn't always based on your efforts, or knowledge of the Disease. "Control" doesn't come from eating "the right" foods or "exercising" enough. Control comes from matching insulin needs to BODY requirements, and that is always changing!!

3)Oh yeah...let me say it again.....Diabetes/Insulin needs for kids IS ALWAYS CHANGING!!! Sure, we may go through a time where predictability happens and things are "controlled" without much thought and management just becomes routine without insulin adjustments being needed. BUT, That never lasts for long. Kids are growing which means their little bodies have lots of growth hormones swimming around. Add in a growth spurt and insulin needs can SKYROCKET, even overnight because Insulin becomes RESISTANT to these hormones. Blood sugar rises, and us PARENTS need to figure out AGAIN, just the right insulin dose to "control" blood sugars. Blood sugars are NOT always about food!!! (I also should mention that changing weather, illness, location of pump sites or shots, different combinations of food, exercise, and even stress effects Diabetes control!!)

4)EVERYONE's insulin needs are different. There isnt a magic dose. Some people need more insulin in the mornings, some need more insulin at night. One unit that Maddison takes to fix a high blood sugar might kill someone else. Or, maybe that one unit needs to be tripled to lower someone elses high. What HE needs isnt what I need, and what SHE needs isnt what I need either. An insulin dose is MY dose, and ONLY mine. WE the Patient must figure out what that dose is. When you figure it out it usually works right, but not always. THIS my friend, is why Diabetes is a DEADLY DISEASE. It does NOT come with dosing instructions like the pill you get from the Pharmacy!!!

5)My child is just like your child, with a little added work. She CAN eat that, she just has to take insulin to eat it. She doesn't need "special" food or a DIET.

6)Complications ARE NOT THE DIABETICS FAULT!!!! Diabetes is a CONSTANT disease that is exhausting and always changing. You can do everything right in managing your disease but Diabetes is still a disease that harms your every single cell and organ in your body without PERFECTION of blood sugars. PERFECTION is impossible!! You can follow the perfect diet, be a Triathlete, take the right insulin, check your sugars 20 times a day and STILL fall victim to complications. Abnormal blood sugars are ABNORMAL no matter how close to "perfect" control you may be. I want you to know that Diabetes took TOO MUCH from my Father. Amputations, blindness, Kidney failure, Neuropathy, Gastroparesis, Stroke, Charcot's foot.....I want you to know this because he did NOT fail to manage his Disease!! He did EVERYTHING he knew to do. He did everything "right" and STILL ended up with complications. Education CAN be the key to better management, but it is not a promise.

So, there are my 6 things. Funny how I can always manage about 60 into 6!! :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Not Hearing It

I'm not sure what the deal is, but ever since we have moved into our new house I'm not waking up to alarms set for night time checks!! Its ticking me off!! Its making me worry, and with a child on an insulin pump, its DANGEROUS!! Sure, I've gotten up a few times here and there...but for the most part I'm missing night checks that NEED to be done!!

What am I supposed to do now!!?? I have already tried changing the ringtones on my alarms (I use my cell phone) and I even added a SECOND alarm clock, so now I have a cell alarm set AND an alarm clock set! I even set the alarm times 15 minutes apart with multiple alarms!!! I even moved the alarms across the room so I have to walk father to turn them off!! I'm not even waking up when my CGM alarms!! And WHY isnt the husband waking up to these alarms? Maybe the alarms aren't even going off? I think I remember hearing them somewhere in my deep sleep.....I do remember Hannah coming in Saturday morning and saying "MOM!! What is wrong with you!!? Your alarm has been going off for an hour!!" So I'm just left to wonder why I'm not hearing it!!??

Whats even worse? Waking up to empty juice boxes that I have no memory of giving Maddison while she slept!! Checking back in the meter shows the blood sugar was taken....(alot of 70-90's between midnight and 4am) and I see I gave Maddison juice to keep her from going too low....but I have no memory of these night checks! Diabetes and night time checks have gotten dangerous in this house! What the heck is going on and how do I wake up!!??

The husband is checking Maddison before he leaves for work at 4am, but what about Midnight!? What about the nights when Maddison needs a correction before bed? What about the nights she is trending LOW? What about site change nights when I need to get up and make sure the site is good? I guess for awhile Im gonna have to be sleep deprived and just stay up instead of setting an alarm. I dont know what else to do. Its WEIRD. Its frustrating!! After 4 years of night checks my brain said no more waking up to alarms? WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD!!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

American Girl 2010

Today Maddison modeled in the "American Girl" fashion show to benefit JDRF!! Last year Maddison was also selected to model, but the day OF she just couldn't pull through, even though she showed up and tried her best. Last year, in the last minutes before show time, Maddison ended up in tears. 408 blood sugar. Sore throat. Headache. Dark circles under her eyes. Maddison wanted to be a part of the modeling fun SO badly.....but, we had to go to the Urgent Care instead.

Strep Throat.

Nothing interfered this year!! After 11 hours and 3 seperate show times we are home from the show and EXHAUSTED!!! But, Maddison LOVED every minute of it! Today Maddison got to hang out with her JDRF buddies, raise money towards the cure AND model. Her dream come true!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

2010 JDRF Walk/Halloween

Saturday was our 4th JDRF walk....not such a great turn out for our team this year, but we exceeded our fundraising goal and had some too cute shirts made!! (thanks to a last minute sponsor!!)


And it was HOT! Almost 90 degrees people! Hannah brought along several of her high school buddies who all adore Maddison....We had a ton of fun and Maddison left the Walk talking about her dreams of a cure, as always. That part always breaks my heart....but Maddison never fails to refresh and uplift my own sense of hope!!


(Yep...that was Maddison with Sugar from Candy Hearts!)

Ohhhhh Halloween!! Maddison has been having the longest streak EVER of FANTABULOUS blood sugars, so Halloween didnt pose a problem with worries of candy highs. It seems we just bolus and everything works out perfectly these days (KNOCK ON WOOD) So.....I was a bit shocked to see a 389 after trick or treating! Ummmm.....DUMB DUMB MOM over did a low (69) correction while Maddison (Dorothy) was trick or treating....I just wanted my girl to zoom around with the others....I guess she didnt need THAT MUCH candy to keep up! Oh well! She actually came back down perfectly by Midnight, then ran a tad too low all night.


My Hannah who is nearing 14 this month (AHHHH!!!!) was still ready to throw on a costume and hit the streets for candy with her girls. Its all about being silly and hanging out together ya know.....Can you say LADY GAGA??!!




The cutest little Dorothy, my Neice Sammi :)I hope everyone had a great Halloween!! This weekend Maddison models in the American Girl Fashion show to support JDRF!!!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Look What I Found...

I was hunting through the local online Newspaper archives (Maddison's Halloween Article I posted last got nibbled on by the puppy!) and came across a different Halloween article I don't even remember us interviewing for. I like this one better though...because it tells it like it is!!

Here is the document version that was published.....

Have fun, remember diabetes
Arizona Republic - Phoenix, Ariz.
Author: Philip Haldiman
Date: Oct 31, 2008
Start Page: 14
Section: Glendale Republic 19
Text Word Count: 482

Document Text
Tonight, Maddison Lyons, 8, will do most of the things her friends do: attend her Peoria neighborhood's block party as a witch, walk in the parade of costumes and, of course, trick or treat.

But Maddison's parents will have to keep a close eye on her -- she has type 1 diabetes.

Although the causes of type 1 diabetes are not entirely known, scientists believe the body's immune system attacks and destroys insulin-producing cells in the pancreas. About one in every 400 to 600 children and adolescents has this kind of diabetes, which is not caused by obesity or by eating excessive sugar, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

This can make Halloween and the holiday season a trying time for families of diabetics, said Becky Jackson, executive director for the Desert Southwest chapter of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

"Kids can still dress up and go out and go door-to-door, so they are part of that fun process as a kid. But when the kids go home, the parents need to step in," Jackson said. "They can still eat candy -- it just depends on the level of their need."

Maddison was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in December 2006. She had a genetic predisposition for the disease. Her grandfather was diagnosed in the 1980s and her mother, Kelly, was diagnosed only nine months before Maddison. Kelly said Maddison took it in stride, though.

"She did really well. She never complained and never cried," Kelly said.

But Kelly said her oldest daughter, Hannah, 12, took it hard.

"It's tough to have to watch what my mom and Maddison have to go through," Hannah said.

Kelly got involved with the support group West Valley Parents of Type One Kids. She said the group, formed by moms of type 1 diabetics, consisted of seven families when she joined. Now there are 25. A lot of friendships have grown out of the group and, the Lyonses have become a mentor family to return the favor.

"It's been great support for the kids as well as the parents," Kelly said.

**

Trick or treating with diabetes

Tips for parents

* Trade the night's booty for a toy that your child really wants.

* Plan alternative activities and treats, such as a party that focuses on fun, not food.

* Inform teachers and school nurses about your child's illness. The holiday can be a teaching opportunity about health, science and diet.

* Take inventory of Halloween candy. Space out your distribution by having your child pick out only a few things and have them eat one a day.

Source: Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation

2008 Walk to Cure Diabetes

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

HALLOWEEN REPOST

Flash back to 2007....Maddison and I were contacted by a local newspaper to talk about kids with Diabetes and Halloween. Maddison was SO proud to talk to a "real live news reporter!" Here is the article.....(If you click on the article you can zoom in :)
From Chasing Numbers

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

NAKED For Reyna

My online friend REYNA over at Beta Buddies wants us to bare all, sharing our intimate insulin pump settings from ratio to basals. YES, Reyna!!! I AM curious to know other PWD pump settings because it amazes me how different we all are! Its amazing how each body has its own insulin needs and how each body uses insulin differently! You wont find Diabetes with a set written order...."take 3u of insulin per meal" NO NO NO NO YOU WONT!!! Each one of us have managed our/childs insulin needs to the BEST of our ability and its always changing! So, here goes......

(For anyone that doesn't HAVE Diabetes, this talk may be overwhelming, so WATCH OUT!)


1) What kind on insulin management mode do you use? Maddison and I both use insulin pumps 24/7..... Medtronic baby!


2) How often do you inject/change pump sites? We change Maddison's pump site every 3-4 days when the weather permits, otherwise in the summer we change the site every 2 days. In summer (8 months in AZ!) we have to change the site more often from sweatiness or swimming. As soon as we see two numbers over 280 we change the site. Just to be safe. For ME? I change my site every 3 days in the summer.....every 4-6 days (BAD I KNOW!!)when the weather is cooler....OR I change it at the second number over 180 because I know the site isn't working so great if I hit over 180.

3) What type (s) of insulin do you use? NOVOLOG!!! I tried Apidra for myself and almost died. Not really, but after lows following every meal for 3 days I felt like death. Apidra is TOO fast for me! Why change anything if you dont have to? I LOVE my Novolog, I have it figured out!


4) What are your basal settings ?

MADDISON
12am .25u
8am .25u
630am .30u
8am .25u
9am .20u
730p .35u
11pm .25u

MINE
12am .30u
8am .25u
9pm .30u

5) What are your correction factors?

Maddison
12am 180
3am 250
4am 260
7am 215
8pm 180


MINE
12am 90
3am 130
8pm 90

6. What are your meal ratios ?

Maddison
Breakfast 1:13
Morning Snack 1:20
Lunch 1:18
Afternoon Snack 1:20
Dinner 1:24

My ratio is 1:12 all day!!


7. What do you do for activity and/or PE?

PE days for Maddison... she gets 8c uncovered if she is less than 150....BUT, thats because this year PE is at a time when she has NO ACTIVE insulin from breakfast. THANK GOODNESS!!! If she had PE right after breakfast she would get at least 15c of a snack with no insulin depending on what her number was going into PE, and depending on how much insulin was still working. Active insulin from a meal + exercise = WATCH OUT!!! We dont really mess with temp basals unless its summer swim season. Usually uncovered snacks work fine for Maddie.

FOE ME!!?? WELL....If Im having a cleaning day (same as PE!!) and running CRAZY through the house I get to treat myself to 1/2c OJ without insulin. If I'm actually waking up early and doing my workout I get coffee with no bolus (20c free, bolus a tiny .2 to stop liver highs!) and then set a temp basal at 60% with boluses HALF of what they are on non-workout days. If Im packing a house (or the like) and running around nonstop....you know the deal... SKITTLES ALL DAY.


8) How do you manage Pizza, Macaroni and Cheese, or any other "difficult to manage" foods? Maddison just gets the same old same bolus for everything and we correct the highs. Ice cream we dose an extra unit, which seems to work well... Otherwise nothing really effects Maddison's sugar in crazy ways. I guess I have learned to correct the high with a little extra....I have yet to master an extended bolus without causing some scary lows!!

FOR ME? I get a dual wave 50/50 over 2 hours for pasta, pizza and ice cream.

9. How do you prefer to manage your logs/data? Yes, REYNA!!! I HATE computerized programs too!! We have used the Freestyle program in the past, for me its awesome because all I see is GREEN. As in, 80% in range numbers. For Maddison? I WOULD DIE seeing her numbers on a computer program! Too much information!!

I dont have to log numbers for myself....I rarely see a number over 160, if I do, its because I carelessly counted carbs....OR, PMS is coming....and THAT gets a different basal setting!! Logging for Maddison is a plain old note book with highlights of highs/lows. I dont log if things are going well....and right now they have been for months!!! YAY for a break!!! (ok, I have logged a few off days and made SOME changes for Maddie lately, but nothing CRAZY)

AS REYNA SAID.....

"I exposed myself "as a naked pancreas" to the whole D-OC."


"Anyone else game? PLEASE...inquiring minds want to know!"


"A day-in-the-life of curiosity and in pursuit of pancreatic know-how."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Last Night

Last night my own blood sugar hit 332. That RARELY happens. I might see a 200 once in a full moon, so the 332 had me nearly passed out and ready for bed, EARLY. I just couldn't stay awake. Hannah and I climbed in bed to watch a movie. I only lasted about 30 seconds before I fell asleep. I remember leaping from bed about an hour later. I was having one of those dreams where you can FEEL every emotion. I was sweaty and panicked, my heart was pounding. I wanted to scream out loud....

This dream (nightmare really) was by far the worst dream I had ever experienced. It felt so real. I could even feel her cold hands. I was caught in a dream that Maddison had died in her sleep, dead in bed syndrome. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought it was real. In reality I was rushing in to touch her hands, touch her little chubby cheeks...to check her blood sugar that wasn't due for another hour. I guess I was still dreaming as I sat beside her on her bed, only I remember being half awake at the same time, telling myself it was just a dream. But I was dreaming that she was cold and lifeless. I couldn't tell reality from the nightmare. I think I was stuck somewhere in between.

After Maddison's blood sugar beeped on the meter screen I realized she really was ok. It was a dream. I think the beeping of the meter actually woke me from the nightmare. The first thing I thought of was Eilish's parents. I remember feeling heartache and emptiness. If those words can even describe it. I climbed in bed with Maddison, held her tight, and quietly let the tears flow.

Tonight Im afraid to sleep. Im afraid of nightmares. Nightmares because of the recent deaths of so many young kids with T1. Today I looked at Maddison in disbelief. Disbelief knowing tomorrow isnt a promise, even more so for our kids with Diabetes. Im afraid to correct Maddison's high blood sugars now before bed. I want her around 160 instead of that 130. Then I feel guilty for that.

I'm afraid for Maddison to sleep alone. Im just afraid. Full of fear in the night. Some how Diabetes is scary again. Like it was in the beginning. Damn it.

Over the years we have gotten to a "comfort zone" with Diabetes and sleep. Sleep hasn't been a scary time.....just the normal checks without the agonizing FEAR. For awhile, I guess we are back to square one again. Diabetes wins. Diabetes is kicking my ass with fear.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Anger Behind Me

Anger and fear are behind me. My heart is heavy and grieving, for a child I never knew. For her entire family. Dear sweet Eilish died her sleep this week. She was just 13 years old. Eilish was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes at the age of 3. Eilish's parents managed her Diabetes with constant diligence, 24/7 for over 10 years. Yet, she still passed away in her sleep. They call it DEAD IN BED SYNDROME . Whatever you call it, whatever happened that tragic night, the truth is Diabetes can kill. Without notice. Without reason. Tragic. Unspeakable. Every parents worst nightmare.

Im still at a loss for words. But as always, Amy's Blog says it all....

DIABETES: The Possibilities




In honor of Eilish and all the children, adults and family members that live with Diabetes. BLUE. Spread the word. Educate. Be heard. Stand strong.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My Random feelings explode (and ramble on)

Skittles have been my best friend for two weeks now. I'm totally sugar drained. If I have to eat one more speck of sugar to keep myself from passing out and seizing on the floor I think I will vomit. Or lose it. Temp basal? No luck there. No insulin for food? Doesn't matter. I'm still low, and feeling SICK because of it.

I can't seem to get my blood sugars over 80 for days now! I sit lifeless without energy in between zooming around doing the normal daily things on top of the crazy moving things. I'm near tears most of the day because Diabetes is kicking my ass. Heck, Ive cried more in the last two weeks than I think I have in years. Since Maddison's diagnosis that is.

Sure, the 80 range is GREAT for anyone....but not when you are insulin dependant and packing up a house to move. 80 isn't very far from 50 you know. 50 isn't safe. 50 isn't very far from 30 either. I know. I've been awaken several times from my sleep the past two weeks thinking I'm dying. Heck, I guess I was. 58, 62, 31, 36, 45, 59, 32, 38. One moving day effects blood sugars for the next 24hours. I've been playing this packing, cleaning, unpacking game for 2 weeks now. I'm tired. I'm drained. I've been scared by my own body too many times lately. Diabetes, I hate you today more than ever.

Up and down the moving ramp. Cleaning, unpacking, lifting, pushing, dragging......Moving sucks, especially when you are moving into a smaller home without a spare bedroom! I'm not sure how we have accumulated so much STUFF over the past 10 years, but I do know the donation boxes around town have been stuffed full with our goods. Maddison's beloved stuffed animals (8 huge trash bags full) have found their way to new homes where they will be cherished by children that will love them. Maddison is always so happy to give to others! Damn I love this girl! My spare dishes, pots, pans, Tupperware, blankets, towels, decorative, clothing, shoes, small appliances, and extra furniture will all be put to good use. Good riddance. I think we are almost settled in our new home!!

Today was the day I set my mind to focus on moving forward, a new home and a new start to SO many things in life. I'm back at work today (FINALLY) and things should be moving in the right direction with a new routine. I'm not looking back. I just want to push through this year. I can't wait to see 2010 come to an end. I'm optimistic. I'm kicking aside all the uncertainties that have been chasing me.....And then I remembered...

Today my Dad would be turning 65. My heart is empty. Again. Again I push my feelings aside trying to just make it through the day. Again it is catching up to me. I try not to think about it. But its overwhelming me today. Its not that my Dad is gone. Its not that at all. Its the 25 days of hell it took to get him the peace he deserved. Now he is peaceful, where he should be. No more Dialysis. No more highs and lows. No more Neuropathy. No more chronic pain. Yet, those 25 days of hell are haunting my heart today. :(

I still have yet to actually sit down and process that he is really gone. I still have yet to FEEL those 25 days of HELL in ICU. I built a wall of numbness to make it through at the time. To be strong for my Mom. Someone had to make decisions. Someone had to make sure he received the care he needed. You can read about our fight starting HERE......

The hospital errors. The helpless feelings. The suffering. The numbness and anger of watching your loved one being kept alive on a Ventilator. Because of a medical error. I've always pushed my feelings aside and dealt with the new day. I haven't yet mourned for my Dads suffering because life hasn't stopped throwing shit at me since this time last year. It seems like every single week there is something new that's trying to break me down. But, I am stronger. I refuse to stop and cry. I just move forward and be happy with what we DO have. Happy Birthday Dad, you are always in my heart.

So, anyway, a new home means a new start right? A good time to change. A good time to set your mind back to where it used to be before all hell broke loose. A good time to fight to stay optimistic. We should ALWAYS stay optimistic right? Well, now Im angry. Today isn't going to be a good starting over day after all. -Sigh-

Today I woke up to my beloved Coffee and Facebook updates as usual. Or, so I thought. Today started with a stab in the heart. Chills down my spine. Send me back to bed. The fetal position sounded really good right about then.

This morning I find the news that another 13yr old girl has died in her sleep because of T1 Diabetes. The online Diabetes community is shocked and heart broken.(This is the 5th (?) teen death this year from T1 while sleeping) T1. Type 1 Diabetes. Juvenile Diabetes. Plain old Diabetes. Its all the same. The same disease that has been kicking my ass for the last 2 weeks. The same disease that my Maddison has. The same disease that children everywhere are battling. The same disease that took EVERYTHING from my Dad for over 30 years of his life. His eyes, his kidneys. Thats all I think about when I think of my Dad....how things didnt have to be that way for him. Today, I'm angry. I'm tired. Yet, I'm cherishing life. Mourning for this family. Scared for my own.

And then.....Im angry. Our JDRF Walk is in 10 days and we have yet to see friends and family sign up to join us. Do they think Diabetes is a non issue now since we have been living with it for so long? Do they think this year the walk is any less important to a little girl who just wants her family and friends to gather in honor of HER? In honor of her smile through it all? Do people really think Diabetes is now okay and invisible in our home? Do they? Is it EVER okay to poke tiny fingers 12 times a day and draw blood? Is it ever okay to jab a pump needle into a child's tiny arm? Is life okay now because Diabetes is just routine? Is it okay for low blood sugars to STILL kick my child to the ground? Is it okay for her to wake up vomiting near death because her blood sugar is too high and toxic?!! Is it okay for friends and family to give up on walking for the cure!? Do people think Diabetes is any easier today just because we still smile?

I'll be the first to say it. Fuck the Breast Cancer Walk. I'm sorry for anyone who has had it, loved someone with it, known someone who has died from it....but where is the care and concern for our children with Diabetes? When will the whole damn world care about OUR Cure? Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm this angry. Maybe I shouldn't shout out what I've been thinking for years....but damn it....Diabetes deserves the same recognition and concern as Breast Cancer. And DAMN IT, people need to know that children are dying from this disease just the same as women every where with Breast cancer!!! CHILDREN!!!! Diabetes inflicts pain daily. Not just physical but emotional. For a lifetime. There is no promise. Even the best "controlled" Diabetes has NO PROMISE OF TOMORROW. NO PROMISE you will be free of complications like kidney failure, amputation or blindness!! Diabetes SUCKS every day for CHILDREN!!! And, Diabetes deserves the same recognition as BREAST CANCER because it is a daily battle for LIFE! FOR OUR CHILDREN!!!! IM SO TIRED of dreaming that other people understood. Im SO TIRED of Diabetes being overlooked and minimized!!!

I'm sorry, but it seems no one has the time this year to walk with Maddison's JDRF team. That makes me ANGRY. We have 15 walkers compared to 40+ in years past. We have raised...hmmmm.....MAYBE $200 compared to 5K every other year. I know times are tough. I haven't asked for donations. I have asked for SUPPORT. Be there. Walk with Maddison. Show you care. Show you understand how she DREAMS and TALKS about a cure. Just be there for HER!! Walk beside her. Thats all I ask. The sad thing is, I shouldn't have to ask.

4 years have passed since that day Maddison was admitted to the hospital with her new LIFE diagnosis. For 4 years Maddison has done nothing but smile through it all. For 4 years Maddison has smiled through being teased by kids that don't understand. She has listened to people's ignorance. With a smile on her face, and pain in her heart. She just wants understanding. Diabetes isnt about food. It isnt about "oh poor baby has to take shots." Diabetes is about fighting for life. Every-single-day.

Tell the mother who's daughter that just died in her sleep that you dont have time to walk for our children this year. Tell the mother who will live with this guilt and anguish for the rest of her life, even though she did everything she could to keep her child healthy and alive. Go ahead. Tell me WHY you aren't walking this year? Tell me WHY. Writing this, Im not sure why Im so angry. I guess Im angry because Maddison still talks about a cure many days while I pray my heart out every single night. I sign on to our JDRF walk page and see NOTHING. NO ONE. No one wants to walk this year. And that makes me angry.

So thats it. What started as a normal day is anything but. A mother is mourning the loss of her child to Type 1 Diabetes. I could be next. Today, that makes me angry because I am stricken with FEAR. We shall try again tomorrow to find PEACE and OPTIMISM in an uncertain world. Today I just dont feel it.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Busy Lows

Packing, organizing, cleaning....you'd think this post were about moving, but its really not. Diabetes manifests EVERYWHERE when you have a super busy day. (or days) Lows have been kicking me down the past week. It always amazes me how hours of what seems to be slow paced work puts blood sugars down in the gutters. Yesterday I had 7bad lows. SEVEN. All under 50.

Reduce that basal. Eat extra carbs, bolus less. Doesn't matter what I do, I end up low. Right now, I especially dont have time for lows. I HATE having to stop and treat a low blood sugar on even a normal day. I HATE having to sit down when I have SO much to do just because Im dizzy, weak and my lips are numb. Why does Diabetes have to force me into slowing down? ACK. I'll be SO happy when Monday roles around and life can move forward. I'll be SO happy when this moving process is over and lows stop haunting me all day! Moving REALLY sucks when you have Diabetes!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Spilling It.

Im just gonna come out and say it. COBRA SUCKS. DIABETES SUCKS. OUR HEALTH INSURANCE SUCKS.... So here goes, its the same sad story that too many other families are going through right now......

Josh left his job two years ago because his employer was changing his "higher" paying route in which he only worked 3 days per week driving to Vegas and back. It was the perfect "job" for him, and when he lost it, he decided the grass would be greener elsewhere. So he left. Josh and I also thought this new employer would have better insurance coverage because ours sucked. Or, so we thought!

Two years later. Two job changes later. Months of COBRA that KILLED US in
2008-2009. COBRA expenses were the same as a mortgage payment, for just Maddison and I. Pre-existing condition ya know. We had no choice. This new job brought HORRID medical insurance. Our medical expenses and monthly premium DOUBLED. Two with Diabetes in this house. A Salary that isnt what was expected, and isn't what it was. Josh works 60hrs a week for less than before. Its been rough for two years now.

Anyone heard of the drama with Bank of America? Well, thats us. Last Monday when we called to check the status of our loan "modification" we were told it had been denied. And...... Our. Home. Was. Auctioned. That. Same. Day. SOLD back to the bank.

So, the last week Ive been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. We have until the 22nd of this month. To. Be. Out. Of. Our. Home. Of. OVER. 10. YEARS. We had this home built for US. I was 23 when we bought this home and Josh was 25. Hannah was 4. I was 7 months pregnant with Maddison when we moved in. This home was for our family. Exactly what we wanted. We are the end house on a cul-de-sac lot. By the greenbelt. We paid a pretty penny for this premium location, knowing our kids could run around and be safe outside with lots of room to roam. We invested in the pool. Josh extended the patio for the AZ summer with pool parties. I have a garden like I always wanted. In the Summer Maddison grows HUGE Zucchinis. We put everything we had into making this house a home. We have the BEST neighbors. We all moved in pregnant with our second child....and our kids have grown up together. BUT, its just a house in the end. Not a mansion by any means, but it was MINE. It was perfect. Where I planned to live out my Mommyhood. Then came Diabetes.

I blame Diabetes for this loss because of COBRA. If we didnt have Diabetes we wouldnt have had to pay for COBRA those 6 months before our new insurance took effect. We wouldn't have fallen behind just because medical insurance was a priority. A must. If it weren't for Diabetes we wouldn't be spending so much money on copays, pump supplies, lab work. Seriously.

Friday I took Hannah to the Urgent Care. Strep Throat. $200 bucks in copays and prescriptions. It makes me think of our home, that is now bank owned. Because of medical expenses. Because we have sucky insurance. Maybe this isnt entirely because of health care and Diabetes, but a majority is.

Sunday night we went to a friends BBQ. The kids rolled in the grass. Hannah had welts up and down her legs. Bug bites? Mosquito's? Ants? She didnt feel a thing. The next morning one of the MANY spots on her legs turned HUGE. As in, 5cm. HOT. RED. HARD AS A ROCK. Urgent care. Cellulitits. Another $200 bucks. Thats kinda how this year has been. One expense after another. Alot of it being medical.

So....we just found a house that we will be moving into this weekend. I can tell you that my Diabetes has been nearly cured with all the stress and packing Ive done this past week. Thats a good thing I guess. But, lows suck. Especially when you dont have time to sit around and wait them out.

In the end, its JUST a house. Life happens. Things change. Change can be good. I look forward to down grading our lives. SHOOT, you should see the junk and wasted items that have been pouring out of my closets since I started packing last week! So, there ya go. I spilled it. And man....I feel so much better! Time to move forward. Im not looking back, and Im REALLY trying not to be bitter with Diabetes for every way in which it has changed our lives!!