Sunday, December 4, 2011

Her smile

On this day 5 years ago I climbed into Maddison's ER bed and held her tight. I wanted to run away and allow myself to cry all the tears that were causing tremendous pain in my heart. I wondered why I waited so long to see the truth. I had been questioning Maddison's health for nearly an entire year at that point. To this day, I still dont know why or how I could have waited so long. I feel guilt to this day. But, everyone told me I was crazy. I just couldn't bring myself to poke her finger, revealing our new reality, even though I knew in my heart what was happening inside her tiny body.

5 years ago today. ...with too skinny little arms, and dark circles under her eyes Maddison still smiled while fighting back tears as the Nurses and Doctor worked around her. Maddison already knew what Diabetes meant, for I was diagnosed myself just 9 months earlier. Problem is, Maddison also knew that Grandpa was living a life of multiple complications from his Diabetes. At the tender age of six Maddison already knew all too well what hospitals were like, for we often spent endless hours bedside while Grandpa was in and out of the hospital over the years. Looking back now I probably said alot of things about Diabetes and Grandpas reality of health that I wish I never said. I never then imagined that Diabetes would be in her future.

Still knowing the realities, Maddison was able to smile through her fear. She cried of course....But for the most part, Maddi still tossed around smiles to the Nurses and hospital staff despite feeling so sick, scared and heart broken. Its all in her smile.

To this day Maddi's smile still lights up our lives,and insulin makes every day possible. Without it, Maddison would have already succumbed to the disease. Insulin isnt a cure, but it is a blessing.

We are at a point in life that Diabetes isn't a big deal anymore. Lows aren't as scary, and highs don't eat up my heart on a daily basis anymore. We have our days, for sure. Diabetes still hurts sometimes. Alot of times. But it isnt like it used to be. It isn't all consuming. It isn't as scary. Definitely, not nearly as scary.

All because of her smile. She is happy. Healthy. Thriving. Strong. Proud. We CAN do this. We CAN. Even on the scariest days, we know in our hearts we will be ok.

Happy 5 years to my Maddison.....its been a long road. We have cried, screamed, rejoiced, prayed, stayed hopeful, strong and determined. Most importantly, we have accepted and found peace in our lives knowing we CAN do this, and we are amazing despite Diabetes trying to kick us down. A happy 5th year, for sure.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Maddison and I both have our 3 month Endo appointments next week....surprisingly so far (knock on wood) Maddison hasn't hit the crazy highs and random numbers like she (and everyone else) usually does just before the "report card" time rolls around. The last couple weeks/days reflect most on the A1c, so this time Im REALLY hoping/expecting to see an A1c that I feel truly reflects how the last 3 months have been with blood sugars. Maddison has had a pretty good 3 months of numbers even with back to school this year, which is very surprising. Adjust here, and adjust there.....numbers have just kinda fallen into place without causing me too much brain pain! Well, during the day that is....

Nigh time is another story....

Two nights Maddi will be a tad high. One night perfect. Another high night. Two good nights. One low night. Three high nights.....all I can do is watch. You can't change anything with that kind of pattern!! 1 in 20? Ummm.....yeah. Thanks alot for that JDRF. While I do appreciate them telling it like it is, that 1 in 20 scares the HELL out of me. I didnt need this reminder of our reality x's 2...really, I didnt.

So, I'm TOTALLY guilty of running Maddison (and myself) a little bit higher at night since this "ad" was released. I feel terribly guilty for doing so. But, Id rather feel terribly guilty for awhile than to freak out every night and not be able to sleep while I obsessively check to see if Maddison is breathing. Yes, this fear shall pass. In time. 1 in 20 is some seriously scary shit!

Me? Ummmm.....Im pretty sure this will be my highest A1c EVER. (Ive said this many times before) Ive gotten lazy. Im burned out. I just "don't care" so much. Im only checking my sugar about 4-5 times a day right now, instead of every 3 hours like I used to. I'm not sure if I'm adjusting to life without my Ovaries or what, but I'm feeling and looking pretty GROSS. I look like HELL. I like to blame my hormone patches for my weight gain (8lbs!!) but lord knows all I want to do is eat CRAP and pretend my Diabetes doesn't exist. I feel low at 90 and I see 250's every day. There used to be a time when I never saw a number over 150. Lately Im happy with a 180. I'm too irritated by low blood sugars to make any changes for highs, so I just leave everything the way it is, even though I know changes need to be made. These damn hormone patches are hard to figure out! So, I do nothing. Im totally ashamed actually. Maybe I need a "bad" report card this time to kick my ass into gear. I hate being this careless and lazy. So why don't I just do what I need to be doing!!?? Keeping my own body functioning, healthy, and alive is catching up to me! Im TIRED of thinking about numbers every hour of every day. Im TIRED of stopping what Im doing for low blood sugars. Im TIRED of site changes. Finger pokes. I'm TIRED of being so "perfect" all the time managing numbers and I just want to pretend I can do less of all this crap and still be ok.

Sometimes less is good if it gives you a mental break. Im sure my A1c will give me the swift kick in the ass that I need right now. Thats even better.