Thursday, September 17, 2009

170's no good

For several days now, 170ish seems to be the number that pops up on my meter with every check during the day. I don't like 170'ish! I keep seeing this number, because I feel low. I check, and NOPE. There's THAT number again. Please...please....dont tell me I've been running THAT much higher and now feel low at 170......this isnt me....I'm a 90-130 ranger! Or, at least I used to be. Lately, I'm a 120-240 ranger and I'm trying desperatly to find my way out!

My carelessness is showing in my numbers. There isnt anyone to blame but myself. I wish I could blame illness, PMS, bad sites, missed boluses......But, I cant. Its all me this time. Man, that makes me feel like a total loser. I guess some of it could be poorly counted carbs, heck, probably alot of it is....I've been a crazy eater lately. I wish it would just stop. I think its the Prozac. I think the Prozac has to go! Sometimes I just wanna eat what I wanna eat and I give in to all the cravings I have. I didn't used to give in, I used to be the "perfect" low carb, limited sweets diet. Now, I even eat more than one serving, how dare I. I wasnt checking but 4-5 times a day the past couple months, and now that I'm checking more often as I used too, I dont like what I see. I dont like this habit I've created for myself!

170ish instead of my "normal" range! Thats terrible! WHY am I being so careless? I'm hungry at this number, and I refuse to eat if I'm over my comfort range of 150. Am I hungry because I'm too high? Or hungry because I need to eat? I feel low. I try to such thing in the 170's. I can't think straight, nothing I'm working on makes sense, the world starts to slow around me. I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. But I'm not. I'm what gives?!! I'm irritated. My mind is foggy, like I'm just waking up from anesthesia. Nothing is worse than feeling low and you aren't. I'm not dropping. Sure of that. I woke up at 170ish, was 170ish 2hrs after coffee...I corrected....checked in an hour....170ish.......its driving me bonkers! I wonder if I need to eat since it's 11:30 and I havent had anything but coffee today? So I eat some almonds and an apple after a nice prebolus. (I am back to eating healthy again in the mornings at least) An hour later, I'm sure I'm low....I'm 182! WHAT THE HECK!!??

Does everyone have their own comfort range? You wouldn't think 170 would feel like much. I mean, its not 200 and its not 100. But for me, lately, 170 does feel like alot. Alot of crap. Its really ticking me off. Mostly, because I know I caused it myself. And, now I have to fix it. I have to get back on track....haven't I been saying that this entire year!!?? 170 for Maddison....not that bad. Not good, but not BAD. 170 for ME.....NOT GOOD!!

I have had alot of highs lately, at least one everyday. Its my own fault, I'm eating terribly. Not exercising, stressed, craving all the sinful food I can get. PMS? Maybe. New medication? Partly. Stress? Partly. So, my body pays the price. Now I feel it more than ever. I should be ashamed of myself. But, I'm not. I just dont care so much lately-still. I still dont feel like I care, but I know I do. That doesnt really even make sense. My meter average still shows a 148 over 30 days, so I'm not killing myself here. But, I'm not checking my sugar all that much either. I can do better....Diabetes visable....that will help....tonight I'm uploading my Freestyle Flash meter to the Copilot software. Ahhhh yes.....right there in front of me, no denying the last 300 blood sugars stored in your meter!

Anyone use the Copilot? Set a range in which you want your blood sugar to be....upload the meter...and BOOM. Any out of range numbers will be highlighted. Purple for highs, Green for lows. Want your average over the last three months? Yep, there it is with a predicted A1c. YIKES. I've got 21 days until I see my Endo. I dont want to hear her nag at me. I can hear it already. This time around, I've earned it. I'll confess to that. She's gonna want to see a log....sorry. Dont have it. I know what I'm doing wrong, or not doing right. I dont need a professional to figure that out. But, I do need understanding from her, something I am sure she wont have. We are supposed to be "perfect" with Diabetes ya know. What a bunch of crap! Sometimes I'm just tired of having to be "perfect"! I think thats what it all boils down to for me lately. Tired. Of. Trying. To. Live. My. Life. Like. I'm. Perfect.


phonelady said...

I am the worst log keeper as well . well today I am fighting lows and yeah sometimes I feel low when I am really not you know crazy . Just try and keep checking and most of all stay calm cause blood pressure can raise your sugar too . Hugs to you and hope you feel better .

Meri said...

Sorry about the 170 funk. :(

You are super duper so way way too hard on yourself though. You have a load to worry about and you are doing a phenomenal job!