CANCELLED

My confession....Last week I cancelled my Endo appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow. First, before you get ticked off at me, let me say that my last A1c was 6.2and the one prior to that was 6.0.....and that’s the truth. I'm not even exaggerating those numbers at all. Not to bad considering my A1c at diagnosis was 13%!! I know, I am very "lucky" for an A1c in the 6 range, but honestly, all my past A1c’s have been without much effort. (I’m also a honeymooner per dosage standards, still after 3 years so that would explain it!) I just bolus, square wave, dual wave, count what I eat to "perfection" and limit eating to 150c or less a day, limit sweets, eats lots of protein, adjust basals when needed, exercise, check blood sugar 12 times a day, and I’m good to go. Is that effortless? Well...now that I think about it, that’s a lot of effort!! Over the past 6 months or so I haven’t given ANY effort. At all. And THAT’S the reason I cancelled my appointment!

Ok, that’s not the entire reason. Reason #2 is that I DON’T want to get on that scale!!! At my last appointment (6 months ago) my eating habits had just started to go downhill and I hadn’t excercised for many months. I had gained 3lbs. Well, my Endo is a TINY little thing, seriously, if she weighs 100 lbs I would be shocked. Maybe she has a medical issue, I don’t know...but she doesn’t look healthy. Guess what she did? She lectured me for gaining 3lbs. LECTURED ME!!!I seriously went from 118lbs to 121 lbs, and if you didnt notice, I am female AND I get some serious PMS!! AND SHE LECTURED ME!!! To date, I have gained about 8 more pounds, and let me tell ya, I feel HORRIBLE about it. I think if I went in to that office and had to listen to her lecture me I would break down and cry!! I don’t need that! I know what to do, I just need to DO IT! Endo’s don’t provide motivation or energy to manage this disease, and they certainly can’t take away this BURN OUT I’ve been facing. If they did, I wouldn’t have cancelled my appointment.

Another thing that I'm hiding from.....my Endo thinks she can perfect a 120-130 waking number. Yep. At my last appointment this Endo did mention that my A1c was "great" but then she went on to ask WHY I wake up so high in the 120's to 130's. As much as I wanted to scream BECAUSE I DO ALL THE FRICKING WORK FOR MY STUPID PANCREAS, I didnt. :) She then proceeded to tell me that I need to get that waking number down to the 90 range. Um, Sure. I COULD....BUT, how many basal experiments will cause me to wake up low? No thanks. I'll take the 120's to 130's!! I also tried to explain to her that because I wake up at midnight and 3am most nights to be Maddison's pancreas, my waking number will just have to suffer. She disagreed, and then we argued over the importance until I finally listened to her "instruction" and said that YES, I will work on my morning number. I understand her concern....but I mean really! 99% of the time I woke up perfectly between 120 and 130....and she wants to pick on me for that? 6.2 lady! SIX POINT TWO!! I can only imagine what she'd say to me now. No thanks! CANCELLED!!

Reason #3 for cancelling my appointment? Well, that’s obvious. I’m scared to DEATH of what my A1c is. I don’t need to see my A1c, hear it, or be reminded that I am hurting myself because I am being lazy. Nope. I sure don’t. I know very well that I’ve been slacking lately. I know what I have to do. And I WILL do it. Also, I must say, I am bolusing, and I am adjusting basals when I can. For awhile I was only testing about 4-5 times a day. Is that effortless? In comparison to the normal me, I suppose it is. How dare I? The main thing is my eating habits, or lack of, I should say. I just eat. I eat alot, and I will eat anything! I also "guesstimate" instead of measuring and counting. Exercise? Silly.....I’m too tired to get up early for that! My meter average currently shows 154 over 30 days. I can only wish Maddison’s were close to that number! But, true, if I’m testing less, eating crap and not exercising, chances are that 152 isnt even close to accurate. I rarely used to hit a number over 160…..now I hit 180-220’s almost every day. ACK! I’m thinking my a1c will be around....7.5% Should I be ashamed of that just because I know I can do better? Its just a number anyway right? I know with some effort I can do so much better than whatever my A1c is gonna be. And, I will. But if this "honeymoon" ends I cant make any promises that I will remain in the 6's. But, I'm back to giving a little more effort, and thats all that matters.

Oh, and reason #4 for cancelling? My appointment was scheduled for 11am. Smack right in the middle of the day. I’d have to take a day off work just to go. Sorry, not gonna happen after all the work I’ve missed since school started. Darn strep throat!

The good news is, I’ve committed to waking up early every day to exercise. I've done so now for the past week. Exercise will equal better eating habits and the ball will just keep rolling from there. I also went to get my labs drawn on Monday, so, I guess I’m not entirely hiding from the truth. I’m actually kinda interested to see what so much less effort did to my A1c. I’m moving forward now, and not looking back. I guess thats all that matters. I will keep telling myself that!