Friday, October 23, 2009

How?Why?

The how and the why doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is. Today Maddison was 22 at school, the same time frame as yesterday. 20's have moved from the afternoons to the mornings after breakfast. How and why? There isn't an answer, it just is. An overwhelmingly scary truth.

After calling the Endo yet again today I learned that I really am alone in managing this disease, even when things get out of control and scary. Me, its all up to ME. They haven't been able to offer me any advice that I haven't already tried or hadn't already planned to do. I've called in for every 20ish number Maddison has had this school year. I always think the nurses will suggest making a change that will magically make sense, but it never ends up that way. Today they suggested changing the basal exactly as I planned. I guess we really are the Diabetes experts aren't we? Thats a scary realization. A very lonely feeling. I wish a nurse or an Endo had the magic answers. I really do.

Half way to work this morning I felt an overwhelming urge to turn around and go back to school so I could change Maddison's basals. I didn't, and I'm so mad at myself for that. Yesterdays low was after PE. I told myself it was because Maddison didnt check her BS beforehand or get her snack for PE. That would make sense right? No extra carbs for activity, and no check before PE to me, was the cause of the low. So, I didnt lower her basals for today AND she didnt have PE. After all, Maddison was high every morning this week. Who would have known that literally overnight Maddison's basals needed to change to what they were 4 weeks ago? Unfortunately today, I do know.

How? Why? I have to stop asking those questions. I've rarely seen a number that I couldnt explain. Or at least convinced myself I knew the reason. THIS, I cant explain. I went in to talk to the nurse this morning as school started, and I gave her 18 packets of glucose tabs to provide to EVERY-SINGLE-DUTY-TEACHER. For the new PE teacher (who's husband is Type1!!) I provided a tube of sour gel liquid candy. I told the nurse that the PE teacher needs glucose GEL, in case Maddison wasn't able to chew or was unconscious from a low. The nurse responded by telling me "I'm sure that won't happen, I mean, she's walking around just fine in the 20's" to which I wanted to slap her. I'm sure she is trying to keep me sane and offering me words of "encouragement" but I didn't need to hear that. Why can't people just smile and agree?

4 comments:

Joanne said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are still battling these scary low numbers... I don't know how you do it without going crazy. I hope you find an answer soon.

I hate that this stupid disease makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Grrrrr.

By the way, I think you are so awesome for how you stick with it, just shows what an amazing Mom you are.

Hallie said...

Ugh. Hang in there, Lady. You're doing a great job and you are NOT ALONE. We may not all be there by your side but we're with you in thoughts and prayers. You (and Maddison) are stronger than this disease.

Wendy said...

20's should NEVER be taken lightly. Period.

I knew what you knew and that's that we're really the ones who call the shots...er...setting changes, that is.

I was hoping as much as you were that there would be some sort of a magical solution....

I'm with you, my friend. Every step of the way.

phonelady said...

she should have taken it and shut her mouth instead of saying anything . I swear some ppl need to think obviously including this woman . I dont know how you deal with the "twitty " school personel .God knows I would be pulling my hair out .Hugs to you honey I know it is hard .