Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Can you hear me?

Diabetes, can you hear me screaming and cursing at you? I'm done with this dirty game you play. I'm done with you hurting my child, and threatening her life with crazy lows! I'm DONE! Friday there was absolutely no reason for you to inflict another 22 on my sweet child. I reduced the insulin I feed you. There wasn't any PE. There wasn't any recess either. It was just an early release day. WHY do you hurt my child every day? Why do you want me to treat you different every single day lately? Can't you just behave? My child is struggling immensely because of you these days. She is scared, and now she's depressed that you have been taking so much away from her. She misses class time, PE and recess, even though I feed you as I should. Can you hear me pleading with you to stop this insanity!!??

Today started with a search for our missing birdies. Dad was sure he could hear the Love Birds up in the trees. Sure enough, one Peach Faced Love bird stared at us from atop of the trees. HOPE. Maddison has kept believing that her birdies are near. No amount of coaxing would get that bird to come down and eat his apple. But, Maddison was still happy because she knows at least one Love Bird is okay. She still has HOPE for all the others and she knows her Quail is back where he belongs. Maddison believes all her birds are happy. A very forgiving and understanding child my Maddison is. Just the same, Maddison still has HOPE for a Diabetes cure and believes that one day she will be free from this monster.

With all the excitement from chasing birdies, I worried about Maddison going low at school. Today is also a PE day, so I under bolused her breakfast. I spoke with the Nurse at school asking her to give Maddison 15c of Gatorade before PE if Maddison was under 200. She was 224. Therefore, the nurse didnt even give the normal 8c that Maddison gets on PE days. I dont know why. 40 minutes later Maddison was 36. 15c of juice, rechecked again at 36. 15 more carbs of juice and Maddison was 207. I'm not sure why the nurse felt Maddison would drop again, but she did. She gave Maddison 4 Glucose tabs. Recheck at lunch showed 399.

-Sigh- I cringe thinking of how Maddison must feel today. 36 to 399, then eating lunch when she's sky high.....I hate this F'ed up disease. I hate Diabetes at school. I hate having someone else make the decisions that I should be making. There is no possible way to write Diabetes care down on paper when its been this wild and unpredictable lately. Right now the nurse and I are just trying to keep away the lows, there aren't any rules to follow. Maddison crashes randomly at school but not at home? What the hell is going on?

Diabetes, can you hear me crying for this to STOP? The guilt, anger, fear and sadness I feel is beyond belief. Fear of Diabetes all over again. I still can't sleep. My mind runs wild trying to decide what to do next. I look over blood sugar logs multiple times a day until I can't any longer. Seriously Diabetes, I am DONE. I feel like I'm being pushed over the edge. I used to be confident in the decisions I make in caring for Maddison, now I'm aimless and confused. Diabetes, you have NEVER treated my child this terribly in the past! Why are you now!!?? Even when we were new to Diabetes we never saw this kind of chaos. What do you want from me? Is someone up there testing me? Seeing how much I can take before I explode?

Maddison used to be "proud" of you Diabetes, because you made her feel special. Special foods, special eating times, snacks in school, candy before bedtime. That feeling isn't anymore. There is a fine line between special and different. What used to be special is now a burden in times like these when you lash out. Maddison used to talk about how brave she and all her friends with Diabetes are. She used to feel strong and resilient knowing on a daily basis she endures so much more than most kids her age. Now she feels weakened and beat down by you daily. How much can one
9yr old child take before you start to change who they are? She's scared. Maddison is afraid of these lows and afraid of what the future holds. Lately, Maddison isn't the girl she used to be. These past few weeks you have really changed the way she feels about you, and I hate you for that, with every ounce of my being.

Can you hear me Diabetes? You will not win this battle. With every number that beats us down, we get back up. And you know what? We aren't weakened by these difficult times. We are made stronger. We will get back to our comfort place in life and live with you in the background. You will stop taking from us and Maddison will be herself again. She will not fear you, nor will I.


phonelady said...

all I can say is you hit the nail on the head about how I feel some days . Hugs to maddison and I hope her birdies come home soon . take care and thanks for sharing and posting .

Hallie said...

Oh Kelly. Somehow I missed this yesterday. I'm so sorry! It just sucks. I don't know how you do it- I think I would have exploded by now. You ARE stronger than this disease. Praying for you both