Sunday, October 18, 2009

Nervous and I dont understand

It's Sunday night and I'm nervous for school tomorrow! I dont know where I need to start! Do I start with the Nurse? Do I start with the Principal? Do I start with a ratio change? Maddison's 22 on Friday at school has me a nervous wreck inside tonight! Isn't this another 3 day weekend? I really dont believe Maddison needs a ratio change. I think these random lows are recess and activity induced. I think we start with simply not bolusing until after Maddison eats.....I really dont want to start all over again tomorrow with the school. I really, really dont!

Another talk with the nurse. A talk with the aide. A talk with the principal, and a talk with the PE teacher. WHY does PE have to be tomorrow!!?? I'm so nervous, and it has NOTHING to do with talking to any of these people. I'm anxious and nervous over lows. I might just pull up a seat and stay at school again. I just dont know.

Today Maddison did something that I just don't understand. I'm really disappointed in her. Today Maddison was playing with her best buddy next door. It was time to check Maddison's sugar after breakfast, so I called and spoke to Maddison. I asked her to check and tell me how much insulin she had active from breakfast. She said she was 75 with .5 active. So, I sent Dad over with 3 glucose tabs. About two hours later, Maddison came home alone, saying she felt sick. She was 413.

That just didnt make sense. I can rely on her active insulin pretty well lately to tell how many carbs she will need to avoid a low, especially if she was really 75. I asked Maddison to see her meter. When I called her earlier and she checked, she was 225 not 75. There is was recorded in the meter as her last check. Why did she lie and say she was 75 if she was really 225? I asked Maddison why she lied, and she immediately began crying. She said she just wanted to eat the glucose tabs, and then she said they were running around alot so she thought she would need them. I dont understand. We have never had any issues like this. All I could do was tell her I appreciate her being honest, and explain that now she feels sick because she hurt herself by taking sugar when she didnt need too. She was sincere in her apology, but I'm still crushed. I dont believe they were running around alot, maybe they were.....I think she really just wanted the damn glucose tabs. I just dont understand why she would do that. She knows I ALWAYS look over meter numbers in the end of the day. She knew I would catch the lie. So why did she do that, and why didnt she care about hurting herself with sugar? Did she really think she would need the tabs and she's afraid of lows? Did she think she needed the tabs becuase at school she crashes after lunch from activity? I just dont know anymore. This is all starting to be more than just a number. So much more than just a number.

I'm nervous. I just dont understand. I'm mentally exhausted. I'm tired of going around and around at school with lows, highs and a nurse that doesn't take my direction. I'm just tired of this damn disease. I'm tired of being nervous when Maddison is at school. TIRED.


Wendy said...

I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you tight...(((HUGS)))

Please stay in touch with me tomorrow -- we don't have much happening if you need anything!!!!!

Prayers coming your way...

katerina said...

As we are going through exactly the same phase-horrible horible lows and then unexplainable highs-I totally understand you. It is soooo frustrating and I feel like I know absolutely nothing. Anyway my son also lied for the first time, he is scared of being low, he sees 200 and says he is fine that he doesnt need a correction. I think he is scared I might do another mistake. One thing that I've done in these difficult times!, although believe my child should be free to eat anything, is limit the amount of carbs. This has helped because I give him less insulin and the spikes or the lows are less dramatic. Good luck!

phonelady said...

Maybe she did this because she knew you would call her home away from her friends or that she just wants to feel normal . I know my son he told me that once when i asked him why he did not think that he had to check his bg or take stuff when he needed it and his response was cause he wanted to feel normal and with his friends he felt normal .