Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Effort

Today Maddison had her 3 month Endo appointment. -Sigh- As usual, it is NEVER what I expect. I have been feeling less concerned with Maddison's growth over the past few months, I thought she seemed to have been getting a bit taller. I guess not as expected according to the charts. Dr D is again concerned about Maddison falling off her growth curve. So, we either schedule an Endoscopy to rule out Celiac (many many symptoms but labs all show "negative") or we schedule a GH stimulation test. I'm thinking we better just do the Scope. Better to be safe than sorry years down the line. Maddison doesn't even have any T1 Antibodies....maybe she just doesn't show any for Celiac either?

So, Maddison's A1c went up from 6.9 in August to 7.1 (by finger poke today) The lab draw from 3 weeks ago showed her A1c at 7.3! ACK! I'll take the 7.1 thank you very much! Although Maddison's A1c is still really good, it isn't what I expected. I expected Maddison's A1c to be improved from the 6.9% based on her current meter average, but OH WELL. It is what it is. Pretty darn good for such little effort I guess.

Little effort? Little effort where T1 and kids is concerned is still alot if you ask me! We still check every 3 hours 24/7. We still count carbs. We still do everything we are supposed to do. Its still alot of work sometimes!

As Ive said in my last few blog posts, we have just had several months of great predictability and "stability" with Maddison's numbers. I REALLY needed this kind of Diabetes break after my Thyroid surgery and moving!! Little effort? No, Ive just been lazy. Really. Ive been lazy with Diabetes care. (today my site was 7 days old!!) Being lazy makes me feel horribly guilty. HORRIBLY. I could be doing so much more to get Maddison's numbers in a bit of a better place.....but isnt it just exhausting to be perfect all the time? Can't I just take a break from the logging and perfecting? Can't I just back off and let numbers BE sometimes?

Not really. Not without feeling guilty anyway. Not when your child's health is in your hands. But, I have. I've just let numbers be. I see the weird nights. I sleep a little longer. I could have checked that high 2 hours after the correction but I waited until the 3rd hour. Because I wanted to sleep. I'll admit it, even though THAT makes me feel terribly, horribly guilty!!

We haven't been pre-bolusing either. I ALWAYS swore pre-bolusing is the ONLY way to go. Even if it was only 10c pre-bolused before a meal. Every little bit helps. Today I cant remember the last time we pre-bolused. For me, or Maddison. GUILT GUILT GUILT. Its horrible. These days I let Maddison eat whenever, even if she is too high. I NEVER used to let her do that, I would pre-bolus and WAIT. Not so much anymore. For myself? I NEVER ate if I was over 180. HA! Now all I do is eat! Extra coffee in the morning? SURE!! Double the too sweet creamer why dontcha!! I'll pass on the typical Apple, Almonds and Cheese for my breakfast please! Bring on the HOLY CARB LOAD CEREAL!! Its been BAD. My food choices have been BAD!!

Ive always been a freak about my food choices. Ive always been super healthy and low carb. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!?? ITS TERRIBLE!! I used to stick to under 80 carbs a day and now I frequent 150 or 200!!! Thats double!! Which means more insulin, which means more weight gain....can I blame my Thyroid or have I just suddenly turned into Ms Piggy? Stress? New medication? I think I better step up and figure this out! Maybe Ive just been burned out and Im on Diabetes strike?

I could be doing so much better for Maddison, and myself....Yet Im stuck with the attitude that we are doing "good enough." Thats terrible. Our health could be better, with a little more effort. Where did my effort go!!?? I already know my A1c in December will be the highest EVER. "Good enough" needs to go away. I need to get back to simple things like changing sites on time and pre-bolusing. Where did my effort go!!?? Where did my crazy obsession over doing everything Diabetes to my highest possible ability go!? I can do SO much better for Maddison. For me. Im not talking about an A1c. I'm just talking about a little more effort. Someone please give me a kick in the right direction!

1 comment:

Reyna said...

Kelly, It sounds like you are doing terrific! Maddison's A1C is fantastic. You have had a lot on your plate and you have managed it all well...and blogged out some tough times over the past few months. I am amazed you have stayed SANE girl. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have already identified some areas you want to change...maybe start with a couple of those if you are inclined...but otherwise...enjoy LIFE!!! I love you...Happy Turkey Day!!!