Thank goodness she is gaining weight. If she wasn't, I'd be a mess. The other day Hannah was shocked to see her weight has reached even with mine. I was delighted. All my girl seems to do is eat. She is always hungry. Always craving something crazy. Just like I did before I was diagnosed with Diabetes. But, also just like many teenage girls do. Still in my mind, I watch.
She is gaining weight I tell myself. Over and over and over again. Stop thinking about it, I tell myself. She isn't losing weight. Gaining weight is good. Hannah is gaining weight. Not losing. My mind stays at ease.
I've been thinking back to my own diagnosis alot lately. Because I see all the signs in Hannah. I remember how hungry I was. At the time, I was in really good shape after committing to lose the baby weight I gained with Maddison. I was running miles a day and strength training. I felt really good actually. Until the hunger set in.
I remember telling the girls at work one day how all I do is eat! Working out so much made me starving! Building muscle needed some serious protein I guess right!!?? Id eat constantly it seemed. Then came the thirst. Ive ALWAYS been a super thirsty person, so maybe the AZ summer just had me this year? I started to wake up at night to pee. I knew then. But didnt "believe" it. Achy muscles. Leg cramps at night. The headaches. Months of battling "icky" and "flu like" feelings without a diagnosis.
I started to fall asleep when reading to the girls before bed. I couldnt stay awake. On hectic school mornings I'd lose my cool and FREAK OUT. Over nothing. I'd scream and yell at my kids. I mean SCREAM like a crazy chick. Losing control of my emotions. I FELT out of control. Even my kids could see this monster looming inside of me. They just didnt know what it was.
It was then that I knew I had to admit Diabetes caught up to me. But I didnt feel "sick." I just felt terrible. "Sick" with a "disease"?????? No, I would feel worse than this if I really HAD Diabetes right? I kept thinking, I cant have a DISEASE!! I don't feel THAT bad!
Almost overnight my vision blurred. I'd sit motionless on the couch after work. A friend mentioned my weight loss. So, I decided it was time. The weight loss made me seek help. From 125lbs to 107. In a week or two. A1c 13.2%
Denial. Denial is powerful.
My Hannah. She IS gaining weight with all this eating. Thank goodness. Right?
But, my mind is racing. Randomly for months I have been awakened in the middle of the night to sounds of a flushing toilet. TWICE last night. I'd understand if it were Maddison. But its Hannah. My Hannah shows all the signs. And then they disappear.
Hannah stayed home Saturday night because she was too tired to hang with her friends. Too tired? She's been sleeping every chance she gets lately. Too tired? Ummm...NO. She cant be. She can't be too tired, because she is gaining weight!! RIGHT!!?? I'm battling these thoughts in my mind.
Sometimes she has Stomach aches and doesnt want to eat before school. She's been battling sore throats and achy muscles on and off for months. Did she SERIOUSLY just text me from her room to bring her a glass of water? Is she trying to tell me she is worried about herself too!!?? Tonight, that's exactly what she did.
We all wonder about our other children. We wonder if Diabetes will invade their bodies too. Our family? 3 generations of T1 on my side. 2 (or more) on the Husbands side. Both sides. That can't be good.
Four years ago. This very same time of year, I fought this very same feeling. But it was Maddison. Not Hannah like it is today.
I KNEW Maddison had Diabetes. I KNEW it. People thought I was crazy. They thought I was just paranoid from my own diagnosis 9 months prior. I KNEW Maddison's time had come, but somehow my mind played tricks on me anyway. I covered every excuse in the book. She is thinner because she is growing taller. She is wetting the bed because she is drinking so much, drinking so much because its 100 degrees in November. Grumpy because Kindergarten is tough! Then came her morning melt downs. Just like the ones I had before my diagnosis. I'll always remember that morning. Maddison asked me for the last time to "get a wet cloth for her tingly eyes."
Her "tingly" eyes, I knew were blurry eyes. Being 6 she just didnt know how to explain it. One denying Mom sent Maddison to the Pediatrician with Dad. Even though all I had to do was poke her finger myself. But I couldnt. I dont know why. One denying Doctor refused to test her sugar because "if she had Diabetes she would be much more sick than this." One poke. 497. Three days in Childrens Hospital. Two lives invaded. Caught early, with a 8.5% A1c. I'll always feel very fortunate for that.
We are nearing Maddison's 4th year with Diabetes on December 4th. I cant believe that now Im sitting here thinking about Hannah. Worrying about Hannah. In a way I say to myself her time has come.....I feel it. I know it. Yet, in a way I know it cant be. It couldnt be. Right? She is gaining weight. Thats all I need to know for today. She is safe. For now. I know she is. Or am I in denial? Hannah had an A1c drawn last year. It was 5.5% which didnt really make me feel any relief from the constant wonder of when Diabetes will strike again. I guess now Im just left to feel confused. Ignoring what I see, until I see the obvious. That feels wrong to me too. I dont know what feels right. I dont know what to think. Maybe I shouldnt think. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
She is gaining weight. Thats all I keep telling myself. She is gaining weight. Every glass of water. Every flush of the toilet. Every enormous amount of food consumed. Every craving. Every headache. Every nap. It all makes me say....BUT SHE IS GAINING WEIGHT!!! THANK GOODNESS!!!
Moving my blog again
8 years ago