Sunday, October 24, 2010

Last Night

Last night my own blood sugar hit 332. That RARELY happens. I might see a 200 once in a full moon, so the 332 had me nearly passed out and ready for bed, EARLY. I just couldn't stay awake. Hannah and I climbed in bed to watch a movie. I only lasted about 30 seconds before I fell asleep. I remember leaping from bed about an hour later. I was having one of those dreams where you can FEEL every emotion. I was sweaty and panicked, my heart was pounding. I wanted to scream out loud....

This dream (nightmare really) was by far the worst dream I had ever experienced. It felt so real. I could even feel her cold hands. I was caught in a dream that Maddison had died in her sleep, dead in bed syndrome. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought it was real. In reality I was rushing in to touch her hands, touch her little chubby cheeks...to check her blood sugar that wasn't due for another hour. I guess I was still dreaming as I sat beside her on her bed, only I remember being half awake at the same time, telling myself it was just a dream. But I was dreaming that she was cold and lifeless. I couldn't tell reality from the nightmare. I think I was stuck somewhere in between.

After Maddison's blood sugar beeped on the meter screen I realized she really was ok. It was a dream. I think the beeping of the meter actually woke me from the nightmare. The first thing I thought of was Eilish's parents. I remember feeling heartache and emptiness. If those words can even describe it. I climbed in bed with Maddison, held her tight, and quietly let the tears flow.

Tonight Im afraid to sleep. Im afraid of nightmares. Nightmares because of the recent deaths of so many young kids with T1. Today I looked at Maddison in disbelief. Disbelief knowing tomorrow isnt a promise, even more so for our kids with Diabetes. Im afraid to correct Maddison's high blood sugars now before bed. I want her around 160 instead of that 130. Then I feel guilty for that.

I'm afraid for Maddison to sleep alone. Im just afraid. Full of fear in the night. Some how Diabetes is scary again. Like it was in the beginning. Damn it.

Over the years we have gotten to a "comfort zone" with Diabetes and sleep. Sleep hasn't been a scary time.....just the normal checks without the agonizing FEAR. For awhile, I guess we are back to square one again. Diabetes wins. Diabetes is kicking my ass with fear.

1 comment:

Reyna said...

(((HUGS))) Kelly. I know how you feel. I have been in a little bit of a funk too...and unfortunately my writing is reflecting it...although, I guess what this is all for... our thought and feelings. It cannot be all funny stories of trying to work d into our lives I suppose.

I hope you sleep a little better tonight friend.