15 hours

After 15 hours at the hospital today, I'm home. I didnt want to leave, I still want to go back. I'm addicted to blogging at the moment, because I feel so relieved afterwards. I have to get a few more things out before I can go to bed for the night...

Immediately after the surgeon came out to talk with us, my Mom burst into a weeping cry. She had her moment. I hugged her tight and she smiled the brightest sigh of relief you could ever imagine. I was so happy she finally had her release of pent up emotions.

It was two long hours before we could see my Dad after surgery. My mom and sister went in first, I was trying to gain my composure. I just couldnt do it. I knew exactly what to expect and I just couldn't face it just yet. I needed to breathe. I didnt want to see the tubes, and I was a mess inside knowing Dads neck would once again have a Dialysis catheter protruding. My Mom returned saying that Dad was was shaking his head "no" in an uncontrolled motion. Back and forth, back and forth. I wanted to vomit as I pictured that in my mind. Somehow, I found the courage to go hold my Dads hand.

I thought this would be my moment. I thought I would melt down. But, I didnt. My heart felt like it was non existent. I'm still wondering whats wrong with me. Why can't I just let out all this sadness and fear I have inside? I paused for a moment at the door when I saw Dad shaking his head back and forth. What a terrible thing. Is he telling us something? Then his nurse smiled when our eyes met. I think I love my Dads nurse. She scooped me up and answered my every question. Dads vitals have been VERY GOOD she says. His blood sugar is stable at 120. He had some atypical bleeding that is now controlled. She assured me he is doing amazingly well. I really do love her. She was so informative. She made sure I knew the Kidney doctor was again consulted about his Dialysis. Dad stopped shaking his head as I rubbed his shoulder and talked to him. He was completely out of it. He wasn't there. And I didnt cry. Because I know his nurse is awesome.

From worry of making it through surgery...to this. The most critical days lie ahead. I'm scared to death of complications. Complications is what I have feared most. I feel lifted up in prayer, and I will sleep better tonight because of it. I've lost some faith along the way in the past few years, but tonight, I know. I know the power of prayer is with us.......