Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Controlled

Weeks turned into months. Im still left questioning. Worrying. Missing what used to be. I used to have it easy. For 5 years my Diabetes has been "easy" compared to most. "Easy" compared to managing Maddison's Diabetes. My A1c has been between 6.0 to 6.3 for the last 5 years!!! Without too much effort. I rarely needed to make many dosing changes, I've never had to log problem numbers. My next A1c is going to be
B-A-D. Around 8% or even 9% Im guessing!!!

I know I've said this before, but Im venting again. I used to be able to bolus and end up with blood sugars right back where I started. 99% of the time! I ranged usually around 80-110. I rarely saw numbers over 140, if I did it was an obvious carb counting error on my part. But this past year my average number has inched up from 110's to 140's. 160's to 180's. 200's. Im freaking out here people!!

280's are happening daily. 300's if I eat what I want to. Which, I am too often. I admit it. My diet is SUCKING right now. Partly because my bad attitude towards my body deciding to turn on me, (screw it why should I care?) and partly out of carelessness. (sites that dont get changed) I never had to watch every tiny carb I eat. I could eat fruit and only need half the insulin per carb count. I could eat things like nuts and cottage cheese without carbing for them. Not any longer. Every-single-carb-counts. If I were sick and my numbers rarely reflected it. I'd correct a high and end up perfectly in range the first attempt. My sensitivity was around 200....now its more like 60. CGM lines were flat lines. No spikes. TDD was around 12units. Now I'm up to 20 or so. (of course my sucky eating habits dont help my current TDD) -Sigh- Diabetes is taking me over, and its not so "easy" anymore.

Its scary. Its frustrating. Its scary. Did I mention its scary? I can see my disease becoming more "serious" every day. Like "real" Diabetes! As in, it controls ME and all I can do is try my best. I never feared for myself, because ***I WAS IN TOTAL CONTROL*** I REALLY was! I'm feeling defeated today. I've never felt like a "real" person with Diabetes.....because I've had it so "easy." Lately I'm feeling like I've been diagnosed with this disease all over again. The FEAR. "Real" Diabetes. This is for real. This is my life?

Im not liking the way my eyes are blurry when Im high. Im not liking the extra attention I need to give to my numbers. I'm not liking correcting and staying high. Im not liking feeling low at 100. Im not liking brain fog as I hang out in the 200's half the day. I'm not liking this. I'm not feeling so optimistic. I'm feeling controlled by this thing invading my body. CONTROLLED. I'm making adjustments every day and getting no where. Today I want to crawl in bed and hide.

1 comment:

Reyna said...

Kelly...WOW. I cannot even imagine how frustrating it must be when you feel like your body is betraying you. I like the part where you described the "highs" - I always kind of wonder what they feel like for Joe. He had a day a few days ago where his bg was anywhere from 240 to 400 (ALL.DAY.AT.SCHOOL)...that must feel like shit.

Hang in there and please keep us up to date on your progress. You will get these numbers "managed"...baby steps.