Sunday, worst day yet

I couldn't even bring myself to post about my Dad yesterday. I fell asleep before I made it to bed! TOTALLY DRAINED. My mom, sisters and I have spent 12-14 hours a day for the last 6 days beside my Dad in the hospital. Waiting for him to come back. Dad still hasn't past his Psychosis. It still isn't him. 6 long days seeing someone that isn't him. Its indescribable.

It hurts me to hear how everyone says that so and so had heart surgery too. Did so and so have Diabetes for 30 years? Were they in grave condition before surgery? Are they Dialysis dependant? No, they weren't. Thats why this is so incredibly TERRIBLE, HERATBREAKING AND HORRIBLE for my Dad. This wasn't "JUST" a quintuple bypass on an otherwise healthy person. This is kidney failure!! Do people realize what Dialysis is like? Do they realize blood is taken from your body and cleaned because your kidneys dont work? Do they have any idea how difficult this surgery is for high risk patients like my Dad?

Its a vicious cycle. Dad starts gaining awareness, and then its time for Hemodialysis again. And then he's taken from us. Hemodialysis takes so much from him. He stares blankly ahead. His eyes are dry, red and empty. When he musters the strength to talk, he is confused. Then he falls back into unconsciousness. He reaches out for my mom. He's stuck in a battle of his own mind. We dont know if he feels any pain, or can remember us being there. Alot of times he can't cooperate with the nurses because he can't get out from this psychosis. He can't follow directions most times. He can't concentrate long enough... Or can he but he can't pull himself out? He does somehow, get up to walk when its time. He is so strong. He pushes and pushes, even though Hemodialysis on top of this surgery and infection has drained every ounce of strength within him.

Sunday, was the worst day yet. The doctors had him on some type of medication to "help" with his Psychosis. It could have been that. Or, maybe it was the Dialysis that pushed him even farther into an unknown land. We aren't quite sure. Whatever it was, it took over my dads body. Yesterday Dad was pretty much "unconscious" all day. No responses. Until, he began having nightmares, or maybe it was hallucinations. Its better if I dont say what his dreaming was about. Lets just say, its everyone's worst nightmare. But Dad thought it was really happening. He became more and more "awake" and was screaming for it to stop. He was kicking and fighting. In his mind this was real. He had to be restrained, tied to his bed. And then he finally settled after what seemed like an eternity.

The night nurse came in and bathed my dad, then he had his walk. A few steps anyway. He couldn't hold himself up, weak from the Dialysis day. After his walk and bath, Dad came back. He was aware. The first thing he said to my mom was that he "just had the worst dream ever in his life. "He looked SO scared. He was still confused as to if it was real or not. He pleaded with us to make it stop. We comforted him by assuring him it was a dream and we were there all along. We promised him we would stop the medication they gave him for the psychosis. Now I pray its not the Dialysis! Tomorrow is Dialysis day again!

We talked to Dad as much as we could last night until he fell asleep, which was maybe 20 minutes, I think thats the longest we have had him "aware" since surgery. Those walks kill me to watch, even though they are so necessary. They take everything he has. 5 long days of waiting for Dad to show some signs of "awareness" was the hardest thing ever imaginable. Our days have been spent minute by minute. Hoping, praying and pleading that this insanity stops. Most patients are home after 4 days they say. Dad is on Day 6, and is still suffering from this "confusion"!!! Dad thinks he is in "the basement," and wonders why he just had his "3rd kidney transplant." Oh, the horrible things we have seen and heard this week. Our hearts are just crumbled. We prepared ourselves for all the possibilities of this high risk surgery, but we NEVER could have been prepared for this.

Good news.....today was 80% better than yesterday. Dad is there, not himself by any means, but he is aware. He's still confused alot, and can only talk a minute or two before falling "asleep" but he is understanding and asking questions. I could go on and on about all the horrifying things we went through yesterday watching my Dad in his deepest Psychosis. But I wont. I will look ahead and not back. I will stop asking why. I will stop feeling like I can't do anything right to help him. I will stop feeling all those horrible feelings from yesterday, and move forward. Today was a better day and thats all that matters.

I'm so hopeful for tomorrow. I pray the Psychosis has passed. Unfortunately, not only is it a Dialysis day again, but Dad will also be having a Bronchoscopy. Going under again. Dad needs this Bronchoscopy to clear his lungs they say. I dont really agree with that, but what do I know. The Doctor doing the procedure is actually a Dr that I worked for a few years ago. I despise her. She is cold and uncaring. She has the worst bed side manner ever. She is arrogant. ICK!

Tomorrow......will be a better day.