Ashamed

First thing this morning as I walked into work, I was bombarded by a co-workers happiness with her Diabetes. This was really the wrong day for anyone to approach me mentioning ANYTHING about Diabetes, and I’m ashamed for the thoughts and feelings that were rushing through my body as I was forced to listen to details of her recent lab work, weight loss and dietary changes. I was really just looking forward to spending the day at my desk quietly working away and forgetting about all the Diabetes related Drama in my life (and my dads) right now. But, I couldn't. For 15 minutes this co-worker carried on about her Diabetes, and all I could do was smile and nod my head although I just wanted to scream for her to stop.

I think the main trigger for my explosive (all internalized) emotions over her happiness this morning, is the fact that she also talked about how Diabetes in the end has really given her better health. Of course I am happy she is doing well, but really, this was the wrong day for me to hear about how many “positives” Diabetes has brought to her life since being diagnosed 6 months ago. I’m ashamed to say that I wanted her to know just how TERRIBLE Diabetes can be. I know, I am stuck in a half empty glass lately. I wanted a turn to talk about Diabetes this time, and there wouldn’t have been any pleasant words coming from my mouth. I wanted to shout “you don’t even have a meter lady! You don’t even know what Diabetes is really like!!” And, I’m ashamed to admit that. But, being the honest person I am, that was my first thought. Listening to her ramble on I was secretly (and inappropriately) bitter and angry inside (though she thankfully has no idea what I was thinking as I smiled) and I’m ashamed to say that I wanted to shout out details of my Dads current hospitalization and inform her of exactly how/why he got to where he is today, and why millions of people have been, and will be, where my Dad is right now. I wanted to remind her that this disease is managed very different for me, because us
Type 1’s don’t have the choice to take a pill and increase our exercise as means of “controlling” the disease. I know, in the end Diabetes is all the same. My feelings weren’t about Type 1 vs Type 2, my feelings were about ANYTHING that has to do with Diabetes. I just didn’t want to hear it. Then of course, the hardest part, our children that have Diabetes. Oh…the things I wanted to say about our children having this disease. As I half listened to this co-worker carry on, I was heart broken by Diabetes on the inside.

Everywhere I turn, Diabetes is there, and it hasn’t been good to us lately. I’m ashamed for the feelings I have right now, and I know I need to keep the faith that everything will simmer down. Just a stressful time, a sad time, a time I am worrying too much about tomorrow. Deep breath, time out. Lately I have struggled with putting my emotions into words. I try to blog to feel better, and the words won’t come out, so I end up feeling even more exhausted trying to sort through it all. I just want to get back to where I was when Diabetes wasn’t so consuming. I want to get back to BELIEVING that our health is better because the insulin pumps we carry in our pockets. I want to be free of worrying about Diabetes expenses. I want to be free of guilt I feel when Maddison is high. I want to be free of worrying about her teenage years with Diabetes. I want to be free of worry-period.

What happened? How did I get to this sad and bitter place, yet again? I’m ashamed for where I am at right now. I’m especially ashamed for the internal feelings I had today in response to my co-worker talking about her Diabetes. But, I know many of you have been here before. Somehow, we find our way back to where we need to be emotionally with Diabetes in our lives. Too many Diabetes related issues lately, its really got me down. As always, I will get back up, and be stronger in the end I suppose. Maybe I should start brining a DO NOT DISTURB sign to work :)