Friday, April 17, 2009

Spacey Friday

Today I'm struggling with staying on task. My head is floating in the clouds as I try to focus on posting insurance payments to my patient accounts at work. I can't add numbers, I can't figure out allowed amounts vs patient deductibles. I'm spacey and completely incapable of doing anything that involves concentrating. My mind wanders. I stare blankly ahead, reading things over multiple times and still not processing what I see. My BS is 130, I just had some almonds and yogurt for my breakfast...maybe I need more coffee? Am I spiking? Am I dropping? Recheck shows a 108 just 30 min after eating my 21c. Why am I so spacey?

I feel like I slept fairly well last night, with exception of somehow giving Maddison too much juice around 3am for an 87. She woke up totally over corrected at 258. I never even re-checked the impending low, and now I feel guilty she started her day so high. So, I sit here at work and wonder how she is feeling. Did I screw up her whole day with the high start? Is she going to do well on her spelling test with the bad start to her morning? Is the correction factor set right in her pump, or will she DROP from her morning correction with breakfast pre-bolus? Maybe the correction factor is off and she will chase highs all day? I imagine Maddison sitting in class just as frustrated as I am today. Frustrated that she can't focus. Frustrated that all the kids around her carry on their merry way, spitting out class work like its nothing. For us, it isn't that easy sometimes. We are at the constant mercy of this stupid disease and its constantly fluctuating numbers.

Today I'm irritated that I can't think. I set out to work planning to get a lot of stuff done, and I've been totally useless. I'm imagining how Maddison feels most days in class as she struggles to keep up. She tells me all the time she can't concentrate. Then, I'm irritated with myself for blaming my Diabetes, because my meter says I should be feeling fine. Scratch that, now my meter says I am low-64. The roller coaster ride begins. Thats what happens when your last blog post said "I haven't had many lows" :(

Ok, so this time I was fuzzy headed because I was spiraling downward. I can imagine that Maddison has this same battle in her mind all the time in class.....I imagine it sounds just like I did today..... Am I low? I should wait a few minutes to, not low....just, no, I REALLY cant think straight. But, I'm not shaky. I'm usually shaky and weak when I'm low. No rapid heat beat, so I must be fine. But why I cant I understand what everyone is saying? Why do I feel so s-l-o-w? Oh, yeah....I'm just really TIRED. And then, we know how the rest goes. Just as we are sure we arent low, it hits. In Maddison's case she then must get to the nurses office, where she will miss the next 15 min of class for treating the low. Then she comes back, still not all there cognitively, and it all starts over again. Only this time, she is likely fine, but just doesn't feel fine yet. Her thinking is running behind, and therefore, she is falling behind, just in time for the lesson to change. On to something new.

My spacey Friday has me questioning Maddison in class again. How can she ever feel focused and able to learn to her potential when every darn week her numbers are different? I just can't imagine having this crazy disease as a child. I struggled with all these things WITHOUT diabetes as a child. Now I'm wondering what I can do to make it better......

1 comment:

Wendy said...

Let's start our own school...I'll be the nurse :)

Seriously, the school dilemma has overwhelmed me...and we haven't even made it past kindergarten!

Part of me is just sad inside. Sad about the whole stinkin' diabetes (every)thing.