Sunday, April 19, 2009

10:30pm 127 with .2 active, and an overactive moms mind

Tonight we had a very late dinner at 8pm since our afternoon and evening was spent watching Hannah's sand tournament. Hannah and her buddy took 2nd place this time by the way :) Maddison is sleeping peacefully while I hoover around until her dinner bolus wears off. 127 with .2 active leaves me nervous to go to sleep. So, I wait. I've got 40 min until Maddison's insulin wears off, so instead of catching up on chores I decide to purge my daily stress here. Normally a .2 will drop Maddison about 50pts. Night time is never normal in this house, so I watch and I wait.

I'm debating in my mind if I should give Maddison some carbs assuming she will continue to drop a bit. 127 is a perfect number to sleep, but she isn't likely to stay there with .2 active. Turn down her basal? Is her dinner done digesting? Will she suddenly be too low or will the cheese from dinner start to boost her back up? Will she maintain a 120 range or will I be up at midnight correcting for that stinky cheese? Ahhhh, a day in the life of Diabetes. I hate being indecisive. I hope the waiting approach is right tonight. And I wonder why I can't wake up in the morning!

My numbers royally sucked today and I have a headache to prove it. For several hours I hung around 260, all becuase I decided I needed a few glasses of wine last night. I tend to underbolus the following day because it takes so darn long for the alcohol to get out of my system. If I bolus as normal I end up low, but not today. Today I ended up high. Who would have known today was different?

Maddison has her 3 month Endo appointment on Thursday and I'm already worried. I'm releived that the Endo no longer downloads the meters. Why? Because I don't want them to see Maddison's crazy weekened numbers! Although Maddison's numbers have been really good lately, she has had several lows in the 60's and I feel better keeping that a secret. Afterall, I'm making all the necessary adjustments and dont need to feel any worse than I already do for "inflicting" this craziness on my child. I hate the way Diabetes makes me feel so guilty all the time. I have been much more aggressive in making needed adjustments for lows and I haven't waited that extra day just to see what happens. I have been right there on top of it, adjusting every single day and the damn lows still creep up on us. Warmer weather? Increased activity? The moon spinning faster? Who knows. All I know is that I hate lows. I hate seeing Maddison pale and run down. When that A1c comes in on Thursday I'm going to feel bad no matter what because I will feel like Maddison's too frequent lows determined the number. I hate those damn A1c tests, I much prefer to go off a meter average.

I'm starting to worry about summer activities. I used to try and get Maddison to join swim classes, but since she has been a little fish since age 3 she really never had an interest in swimming any more than she already does all summer. Now with Diabetes, I try to avoid Maddison swimming as much as I can. Hard to do when you have a pool in your backyard, and even harder when we live in AZ. I know avoiding swimming is horrible of me, I just cant figure out how to stop the adrenaline highs, the crashing lows and the crazy over nights that swimming brings. Now on the pump we have the being disconnected issue on top of it all. Maddison just decided she DOES want to do some competitive swimming this summer. GREAT. As much as I want her to, I cringe just thinking of the responsibility and stress that brings me. I have to figure it all out. I'm responsible for her lows and responsible for her highs. And so, we will sign her up. I have to figure it out at some point, I know.

I can't stop myself from imagining endless sleepless nights chasing lows. Trying to figure out temp basals and how long is too long? The right balance of snack before bed on swim nights? Swimming until all hours of the night after swimming all day. How the hell will I know if she is low during competition? Screw the active insulin while swimming, thats been known to induce the fastest drop ever recorded. -sigh- I have alot of planning ahead. I just know I will sit there stiff as a board when Maddison competes, scared of lows while swimming. I hate the fear that Diabetes brings. I hate my overactive mind. I wish I could turn it off and just deal with life and numbers as they happen. But, I can't. I've always been a worrier, even before Diabetes. Now I'm just really looney.

The number just in, 175. Correct and recheck in three hours. Good thing I waited on that 127 with .2 active. Good thing I didn't choose a temp basal for a low I thought was coming. You just never know with this crazy disease. Off to correct the 175, and hope that the next 3 hour check is where we want to be. Always looking for the right number, its exhausting this life of chasing numbers!


Jennifer said...

While reading this post I swear it's like reading my own life!! My daughter is not on the pump yet, but the highs & lows, the A1C test, etc.....I sooooooo feel your pain! I hate the A1C test. I don't get good sleep at night from getting up & checking on her all the time. It's a crazy disease & it's nice to know that there are others out there that understand!!!

Scott K. Johnson said...

I know this probably doesn't offer much comfort, but there are a lot of old timers out there that made it through a very active childhood just fine, even with the primitive tools they had back then.

And the control you're achieving now is WAY better than what we were able to do back then. Way better. You are doing a great job K.