Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Is it scary?

Tonight while making some basal decreases in Maddison's pump for bedtime lows, she asked me one of those heart breaking questions. "Is it scary for you because I have Diabetes Mom?" Sheesh. How do you answer that? I told Maddison that it isn't scary that she has Diabetes because we have learned so much over the years. Then, I told her that sometimes I am scared when blood sugars do crazy things, and sometimes I am scared because I have to find the answers myself. I let her know that when I am scared, it is because I don't want to make the wrong choice and have more weirdo blood sugars. I didn't know what else to say. I had just come in from washing the van, cleaning the garage, raking up tree mess and hosing down the drive way while gulping down Mountain Dew. We were in the middle of the mad dinner rush and my brain still wasn't entirely with me. I hate when I don't know what to say. Now that the question has passed and my mind is again with me, I realize I would have said things differently. It isn't scary that Maddison has Diabetes, (most of the time) I just couldn't put the words into what I was trying to say!

Today Maddison went on a field trip to the zoo with all the other kids in the district that have Diabetes. For once, Maddison got to go off on a field trip without me! She had such a great time! Our school nurse kept Maddison in her group, along with L who is 10 and H who is 14. Both these kids go to our school and they spend time with Maddison on all the Diabetes school support days that come around, about every 3 months. I'm very happy that our school keeps this support group going each year. We are truly blessed that Maddison has this kind of opportunity to spend time with all the other "D" kids in the district. The oldest "D" child at our school is H. She was diagnosed when she was 6 like Maddison, for 8 years she has had Diabetes. I can't imagine the day I say Maddison has had Diabetes for 8 years. Every time I think about that I hope and pray that I will be more content and less stressed by then. I always wonder when Diabetes won't take up so much of my energy everyday, and then I wonder if it is just me that makes all this "D" stuff too much a part of my thoughts each day.

Tonight after dinner Josh and I started talking about my diabetes "overload" after I told him about Maddison's question tonight. Josh seems to think Diabetes consumes me. As much as I can say it doesn't, I suppose sometimes it does. Is it ME that has this issue with Diabetes, or is it like this for everyone, every parent? We all know how naturally "consuming" Diabetes can be, even when we try to NOT let it be. Is it just me that thinks about numbers every hour of everyday? Is it my personality? Do I worry too much? Josh seems to think that I make Diabetes too much of an issue everyday. I can see that, to a point....but I also live this too. Josh seems to forget that I have my own Diabetes I carry around. He always teases me that I dont really have Diabetes, because he knows how "easy" I have it in comparison to Maddison and alot of others. I just don't think he understands why I fret over numbers so often. By Fret I mean, stress. Yes, a low stresses me out. Yes, when Maddison is high it stresses me out. Do I show it on the outside? I suppose so when you hear my potty mouth in response to that number. Do I fix it and move on? Yep! Josh isn't living with Diabetes like me, and he isn't involved in managing Maddison's numbers. Sure, he counts carbs, treats lows and boluses for Maddison accordingly. But he isn't managing Maddison's numbers either. He isn't always wondering how new adjustments for Maddison were today at school, he isn't worried about Maddison overnight, and he isn't concerned about how to figure out the rapidly approaching swim season. To me, that is scary. I'm the only one that carries this responsibility. I'm the only one that keeps Maddison healthy. Sometimes, I guess that is scary. After tonights conversation with my dear husband I realize he just doesn't REALLY understand.

So, I sat thinking. The only real difference in our lives with Diabetes is the need to plan. We plan what we pack when we leave the house. We carry sugar and test kits with us all the time, even just for that evening stroll after dinner. Do we sometimes choose to skip the evening walk because we are low? Nope. We treat it, wait, and go on our way. (if we still feel like it by then!) We don't live life any less than we used to, we simply have more planning, and sometimes waiting to do. Does that mean I have alot more to think about everyday? Of course! I have to think about now, and later. I have to think about numbers. All-the-time. What is Maddison's current number, what is my current number. Will Maddison need a snack before bed because our evening walk turned into a much longer one than planned? Will she need a temp basal tonight? Do I? What if I cause a low? Will I wake up if I'm low? If I set a temp basal or give Maddison a snack I will have to set my alarm in the middle of the night to recheck. Oh yeah, I do that every night anyway! No wonder my husband thinks I think too much about numbers!

Overall, I think that we live a very well rounded life with Diabetes in our house. We still go out on a moments notice if something fun comes up. We still stay up late, sleep in, vacation and spend endless hours playing outside. I know Josh sees that I worry alot more these days. I know he hears me speak my concerns of sleepovers, swimming and other things nearly every day. But that's because as my husband he is supposed to listen, hear me and understand. Yet, I don't think he understands that us women just have to talk about it. Oh, how men and women are so different! LOL. I tried to explain to my dear husband tonight that just because I talk about things doesn't mean I'm upset about it. It means I'm letting it out, before I'm upset about it. Now I realize why I blog! I told Josh that Diabetes is everywhere for US. For ME, for Maddison. It IS consuming, but that doesn't mean it consumes ME.

1 comment:

Scott K. Johnson said...

I think your little daughter is wise beyond her years, and it is good of you to be very honest with her about diabetes. I think there's a strong bond there because you both share it, and she feels she can ask you things that maybe other people wouldn't be able to answer.

Diabetes is very consuming, I think for many of us. Adding a child with D into the mix brings that to a whole 'nother level.

But from what I can see on the blog, you and your family are very well rounded, and diabetes is not the focus (except when it has to be).