Scary stuff

My poor Maddie. Last night we were talking about her scheduled eye exam today. She broke down in tears. #1 I think the way I explained a dilated eye exam was TOTALLY a poor choice of words! I feel so bad! I was trying to figure out why in the world she would be afraid of an eye exam, and as we talked I realized that I told her the eye drops used for dilation would "open up her pupils" so the Dr could see the internal structures of the eyes. YIKES. Talk about wrong way to say it! Turns out Maddison imagined it just the way I made it sound! Like her eyes would be "opened up" and examined!!!! OMG! I can't believe I didn't think about what I was saying before I explained it that way!!! After a long talk Maddison now understands what the eye exam will REALLY be like! I would have cried too!

The sad part is, Maddison asked if her Diabetes could be making her go blind already. Needless to say, this was reason #1 I cried myself to sleep last night. Its scary to think that Maddison wonders these things.

Strange thing, Maddison had ice cream AFTER pizza last night. At bedtime she was
122, PERFECT. She has been running high all day at school this week, so surely I wasn't expecting her to be in range at bedtime. I was expecting a delayed ice cream high around midnight, 6 hours after she ate. I was flipping through "ice cream records" to check the time I should increase her basal rate to avoid that high. I decided I HATE to do that when she is sleeping, so I chose to catch the high and double correct it instead, knowing the high would be resistant to a normal set correction factor. At midnight she was 130. At 3am she was 133. At 6am she was 148. No high ever came from ICE CREAM??!! How is that possible? Scary thing, imagine if I DID go with an increased basal rate to stop a high that wasn't coming. Damn Diabetes. 7am before breakfast she was 233. WTF!!? That only happens once in a blue moon, or, if she's getting sick. Weird, totally strange and scary thing.

More scary stuff. Got a message left yesterday from my PCP. Reason #2 I cried myself to sleep last night. My last weeks Pap smear shows pre-cancerous cells. I have an appointment scheduled next week with my GYN. I've already decided to just take it all out, REGARDLESS of anything they may suggest. Since the age of 19 I have battled Endometriosis, recurrent ovarian cysts, cysts that rupture, ovarian masses, and have had 3 breast biopsies for masses. All come back fine. I have had 3 Lapraoscopies to clear chronic pelvic pain and adhesion's resulting from my Endometriosis. I'm done. I'm not having anymore children and the risk is too high. I have every symptom in the cervical cancer book. I just want it all out.

Scary stuff. I'm kinda numb today. All I can think about is that my children need me now, more than ever. Hannah is nearing the difficult teenage years. She needs her Mom. Maddison, how could anyone ever care for her the way I do? I can't even stand to think of anyone else having to learn to manage her blood sugars. I know, I'm probably fine. But scary stuff makes you think even scarier thoughts.