Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The hardest transition/Damn Diabetes

Changing medications for anxiety and depression is extremely hard. On the first few transitioning days between medications I become someone I'm not, which is exactly why I have put it off for so long. After many months of worsening "depressive" symptoms I had no choice but to make a change. The first two days over the weekend were the worst. I swear I could have just crawled in a ball and slept all day because I couldn't stand myself. I was short tempered. I was tearful, and had no interest in getting out of bed. Who was this person? Well, finally today I was feeling much better. Today I'm not so angry. Today I'm starting to feel like ME again.

Anyone that has suffered from "depression" knows exactly what I mean. For those who don't know about depression, I can tell you that depression is a very tricky thing. Just like Diabetes, depression it isn't anything like what most people think. Depression doesn't always mean you look depressed, or even act depressed. Depression doesn't mean you mope around all day in a pity party either. You can't just snap out of depression, and depression doesn't mean that someone is "weak" because they suffer from it. Enough said, but my point is, I've reached a breaking point where I knew I needed to make changes to my medication. And I'm eager to feel good again. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being completely unmotivated. I'm tired of the person I have become over the past few months. Hopefully I have made the right choice and I will be back on track soon.

Today I'm not so angry with Diabetes as I was yesterday. Maddison's 41 after all the highs just pushed me over the edge I guess. Today I'm more focused and relaxed, knowing I can pick up that log book and make a new decision without hating myself for every wrong adjustment I've made. I guess I just had a melt down. Today I know that I'm doing all I can do. I'm adjusting every single day and Maddison's highs are still persisting. I know I'm playing by the rules, and Diabetes isn't. Yesterday there was nothing anyone could say that would ease my frustration with Maddison's wild numbers. Today I just know that I can't be perfect. It isn't my "fault" that my child is growing and her body is in control. (just measured Maddie today and she grew 1 inch in 3 weeks!) All I can do is try to keep up, and keep her safe from lows at the same time. Thats a very difficult balance right now. Everything is changing. I have just gotten Maddison's daytime adjusted right (besides the low yesterday, I changed a ratio back today and all was fine) and now she is high overnight between
11pm and 2am every-single-night. 300 high. Too high. Makes me sick to my stomach high, but this is life with Diabetes. I will figure it out, just as I have repeatedly the past 3 years. Sometimes I trick myself into believing that it is ME doing something wrong in managing Maddisons Diabetes, when really, it isn't ME at all. It's just the damn Diabetes being Diabetes!


Anonymous said...

You will figure it out. Sounds like you already have. Sometimes we have high periods, usually only certain hours of the evening, though, and we are pouring the insulin in, corrections plus 200 percent temp basal, and BS barely budges. We raise again, and eventually, it does. Holds for one or two more days, then drops back into manageable range. Very difficult to adjust confidently without a cgms and though somewhat aggressive, we can't really adjust as much as we need to blindly. We will be trying Dexcom 7 Plus and if she wears it only for the high periods, I'll be more than happy. Frustrating, but I'll bet you're nearing the end of that spurt.

Wendy said...

You're awesome, Kelly. Hang in there... Maddison is so blessed to have you for her mother. She's going to grow up and turn into a beautiful, thriving, healthy, happy adult because of all your hard work!