My very long "poem"

Waiting and wondering
sleepless nights standing watch
Silence in a dark, quiet house when I should be sleeping, peacefully
sleeping peacefully is no more

12-4-2006
the day that changed life from "simple" to complex
That one finger poke
that one tiny drop of blood
changed everything

She is so strong and brave
while I fight to stay the same
Most days are the norm, blissful to be alive, we carry on
Life is good
we defeat this demon with every dose
every dose keeps her alive
and keeps me on my toes
not for one moment can I let my guard down
for if I do, it will take control

She is so strong and brave
for what she endures
the highs
the lows
every-single-day she endures
the pokes
the needles inserted deep into her tiny scarred hips and arms
without complaint

Sometimes you hear her cry out it pain
the blood pours
you hit a vein
a muscle
and caused her this pain
my heart breaks
you cant take away her pain

the headaches
the shakes
the hunger
the confusion of it all
WHY? WHY does my sweet child have this crazy disease?
Will she be here tomorrow? Or will Diabetes defeat?
Quietly in the night, it waits
for she can't feel you now
Mom must wait
To keep you safe

Some nights like tonight are pure torture to the heart
Did I do what was right?
How do I know what her little growing body needs?
maybe its okay for now, but by 2am that could all change

"We should be thankful it isn't cancer"
But did you know?
This is a lifetime disease
the battle is never won
every day you poke and draw blood
hoping today is like yesterday
to make sense of it all
Unlike cancer we have a "promise" for tomorrow, yes we do feel blessed
but that doesn't make it hurt any less

A "promise" for tomorrow
only if you make the right adjustments today
for a tomorrow that is never the same
A disease that has no promise of what tomorrow may bring

Most days she is the same old "Maddison"
she skips around the neighborhood with a gleam in her eye
she's happy, she talkative, she loves her friends, her pets and her life
she has dreams of being a vet, an animal lover she is
she will make a difference in this world, I have no doubt

Some days she isn't who she really is
she's worn down from the highs and lows
she's tired, as her little body cries
NO MORE! I don't want to do this anymore!
PLEASE! No more lows, I just want to run and play
I don't want this diabetes to get in the way!
I want to swim, jump, run and play! PLEASE MOM!
Take my Diabetes away!

Silently my heart shatters
the tears begin to flow
I take her in my arms and try to soothe her pain
For I know, I live this life too, I feel the same
But I am an adult, I can handle this life.
No child should ever know how this feels

Its not the pokes that hurt the most
its not the highs
or the time stopping lows
Its the exhaustion of it all
every minute
every hour
of every day
today
tomorrow
it never goes away
Summer
holidays
vacations
birthdays
every day Diabetes is here

what hurts the most is what you cannot see
the feeling different
feeling alone
having to worry about numbers
right now
tomorrow
in the future
the questions
the stares
the ignorant remarks
the judgements
Do they really think I did this to my child?
Does she look like she is inactive?
Does she look like she needs to follow a diet?
Are you kidding me?
Educate people, educate yourself before you open your mouth
and hurt my child with your ignorance
The answer isn't in a pill
it isn't in skipping the sugar
it isn't in "out growing it"
this isn't our "fault"
Google it, google TYPE 1 DIABETES, maybe then you'll "get it"

Her tiny heart could be taking a beating
her nerves
her eyes
her kidneys
from the highs and the lows

She knows about Grandpas battle
30 years of Diabetes has left him
blind
on Dialysis
a finger amputated
disabled with
heart disease
nerve damage
You name it
Now he faces possible leg amputation
reliant on others to get through each day
Diabetes has taken him, piece by piece
at no fault of his own
He played by the rules
But Diabetes isn't fair

She believes in herself
she knows that won't be us
for today in 2009 we have much better knowledge
she loves her insulin pump
as much as your child loves their Nintedo DS
Its attached to her 24/7
its her lifeline
her plastic pancreas
Mom must make it work

A plastic heart?
imagine a plastic heart
Would you know what your body needs?
Would you know how to make it work?
Would you know how to adjust for better health
day in and day out?
By the hour, the minute, through sickness?
Through exercise, stress and growth?

Thats what I do.
It tiring
Its endless
Constantly changing
I am my child's health

I feel guilty
elated
determined
defeated
day in and day out
rejoice
move on
try to leave the numbers behind
when you know down the line
that all you can do is your best
and pray that Diabetes won't hurt her
her eyes
her heart
her legs
her well being

Is she stronger today than she was before that day?
You bet
has diabetes given her more in this life?
You bet
Has it taken from her?
Sometimes
Has it made her who she will become?
YES.

A little more caring
a little more understanding
alot more resiliant
alot more courageous
a little more of everything
Thats what my Maddison is