A moment of weakness

Its past midnight and I should be sleeping. Instead, I sit here with sadness, worry and complete fear of what tonight will bring, what tomorrow holds and what the news will bring in the near future. I'm feeling overwhelmed with so many different issues today, most of them somehow Diabetes related. (imagine that) Today is a sad day for those of us "pumpers" with Diabetes. Today, Smiths Medical announced its intent to stop manufacturing and selling the Deltec Cozmo insulin pump, effective March 25, 2009. They intend to manage a "well controlled exit" from the Diabetes business over time. What does this all mean you ask?

Well, first off, Maddison and I have a different brand, Medtronic insulin pump. We aren't to fear the Cozmo pump with drawl from Diabetes land personally, but so many of our Diabetes friends are. Current Cozmo pump users are being assured that they will still be able to purchase the needed pump supplies during the life of their pump and that warranties and replacement pumps will still be readily available if/when needed. But what about the big picture? Are other companies going to stop investing in Diabetes technology? What does this do to unemployment? What about the employees that have lost their jobs and health insurance? Many employees will be forced to pay outrageous (UNAFFORDABLE!)COBRA premiums to provide health care for their children, for themselves. What will this do to those that cannot afford the $600-$1100 per month for COBRA coverage? Will their homes be FORECLOSED too? What is really to come of our "economy?"

Sheesh. Besides the bad news in the Cozmo insulin pump world, my other worry tonight is within our schools. Of course teachers are the most important, but having an 8yr old with Diabetes in public school without an RN is close to becoming a scary reality. I'm hearing it this way and that. I can't imagine losing our school nurse and having to rely on office staff to learn Diabetes and treat each child by their management plan while balancing their already crazy schedule. Our K-8 school is HUGE. Over 1400 students. Our school also has 4 kids with Diabetes, and many other kids with Asthma and other chronic conditions. Conditions that COULD be life threatening without warning. Add to that the injuries, illnesses.....how could you really take away a school nurse in this day and age? I can't imagine sending Maddison to school every day and worrying about her care while I am away. Actually, I already do worry because thats just me! .....but take away a nurse that knows Maddison AND her Diabetes as well as I do, I just don't know how to feel.

Tonights immediate worry is this damn Lantus insulin. My pump has been off now for half the day. Its dead for those of you that haven't heard. I will have a new pump tomorrow by 10am per my pump company. No big deal right? Well, you see....when I was on Lantus before my pump I had some serious crashing lows. Like, plummeting over 100 points in minutes. Hard to bring up lows. Persistent lows. Headache, nauseated lows. ICK. So tonight just an hour after my first shot of Lantus I had my first crash. GREAT. And now the fear is back. Will I crash tonight unexpectedly? Tonight I went from 248 to 96 within 5 minutes, or so my meter says. The same instant headache. The same instant nausea. Yes, the fear is back. An hour after trying to bring up my low I'm 160 and headed to bed. Or, so I thought. I'm crashing. I'm 92. So, I have to eat even though I really just want to puke. And, now here I am caught in a moment of weakness. I feel totally controlled by this demon of a disease.

As I sit here and think about all these life's issues crashing around us I can't help but feel angered that I can't control how any of them will end up. Even the one thing that I am supposed to be able to "control" (my Diabetes) I cant. Most days, sure....I succeed and Diabetes is "controlled" but with this fucking Lantus insulin I am being controlled. I'm being told I have to eat. I'm being told I need to wake up and check myself every few hours because OBVIOUSLY my body wasn't ready for 6units of this TYPE of insulin. I'm being reminded that peaceful sleep tonight isn't going to happen. I'm feeling this moment of Diabetes weakness bubble over into every single aspect of my life. Can I just have my pump back please? Can I just get some sleep without worry of what the night will bring? If I can control my Diabetes tonight I promise my outlook will be much better tomorrow!

Maddison is in for some basal testing tonight. I'm fearing another night of chasing highs for her like I did last night. But, she also went swimming for 3 hours in a half filled pool, half running around the bottom, half swimming for her life it seemed. I can't sleep too peacefully when that swimming MAY cause Maddie some lows tonight. What happened to the "stable" nights a few weeks ago anyway? I can't sleep peacefully when I may crash myself. Damn Lantus. I miss you my insulin pump! Even for just one night! You have given me comfort in my weaknesses, made me feel confident when I go to sleep at night. Ok, Ok....now I'm just getting delirious! Must go to SLEEP! Hoping tonights moments of weakness are tomorrows realizations!