Starting Over-again

Three years ago on December 4th, 2006 Josh and I held Maddison down as she screamed in panic and tears filled her eyes. Nurses inserted an IV into her tiny hand, technicians drew blood, and her fingers were poked. After all the initial ER work up was done and we had a moment of "peace" to take it all in, Maddison sat silently in the cold hospital bed suddenly looking very ill to me. She was. "Diabetes" she said, "just like you Mom." "Just like me" I said. 9 months into my own diagnosis Maddison was admitted to Phoenix Children's Hospital with the same damn disease. Three years ago, seems like an eternity.

In many ways I feel I was "chosen" to live this life right along side of Maddison. Its strange, I accepted my own diagnosis from day 1. It wasn't such a big deal. And then came Maddison's diagnosis, and I realized the seriousness of it all. I had no idea how difficult life was about to become. My Diabetes is pretty simple. Always has been. Its alot of work, yes, but easy to figure out in comparison to Maddison's ever changing needs. If there is one thing I've learned in three years with Diabetes, it is that we constantly start over.

For the past 4 weeks I have been making almost daily changes to Maddison's insulin dosing to get her out of this high streak. Finally, we saw progress for a few days. Last night? 55 before dinner. 68 after dinner. 25c before bed to get to a safe number. Today? We are starting over. Saying goodbye to all the micromanaged changes over the last 4 weeks to defeat the highs. Saying goodbye to double basals and decreased ratios. Today is an all new day. We are starting over-again.

Maddison woke up with a scratchy throat today, a yucky cold brewing. I decided to keep her home since today was early release from school. An hour after breakfast....62. Then 55. 67. 72. 89. 45c total. 4 weeks of highs, three good days and now THIS!!?? Reduced basal rate. Is she low because she's getting sick or maybe she's low because she isn't at school? What do I do now for lunchtime? Try again. Cautiously, I changed her ratio back to what it used to be BEFORE this high streak. An hour after lunch the CGM says 112 with a down arrow. 20c. TWO down arrows. 15 more carbs. Reduced basal rate. Dinner? I reduced insulin by half. Switched back to the "old" basal pattern, you know, the one you use when your D kid isnt growing? Yep. Starting over-again.

Why is it that Diabetes is constantly causing us to go back to the same old places? The emotions of Diabetes is like one big circle. You pass the difficult times, we always do. But all the OLD and BURIED emotions come back at some point. We go from feeling blessed that "its only Diabetes" to feeling helpless and hopeless. We go from being motivated and determined to feeling defeated and clueless. Optimistic to skeptical. Fearless to fear. Heartbroken to peaceful. Sometimes in a matter of days. Hours, or even minutes.

This year has been very tough for Maddison in so many ways. Just like 3 years ago, I wish I could take it all away. 3 years ago Maddison lost life as she knew it. Life as I knew it. Life as our family knew it. I know each one of us in this house has become stronger and more compassionate because of Diabetes. Some days we just dont feel it. I had so many things to say tonight, but now its all one big jumble of emotion! Now I just want to go crawl in bed with Maddison and hug her tight while she sleeping! If only our children knew why we are such crazy D moms! I wish the world had a true glance into the lives of our children, so they could see the miraculous life they live. Every day. Staying alive because of insulin. Life threatening highs. Life threatening lows. Why dont people even realize!!?? Every day, starting over and moving forward. Leaving yesterday behind and working on TODAY. Starting over-again and again and again.