Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What about ME?

******NOTE TO SELF************************** I need to seriously STOP and THINK about what I'm doing lately. Or what I'm not doing I should say. Tonight I'm doing just that. I've STOPPED. I'm looking at my meter, at myself.....and I'm very unhappy with what I see. I'm not taking care of myself. Sure, my meter average is still at 145....but the truth is, I'm only checking my blood sugar 3-6 times a day. So how accurate is that average when I used to check more often? WHY have I been avoiding finger pokes? WHY have I been avoiding anything to do with helping myself feel better? Where has a little bit of effort gone? What happened to the miles I used to run each day? With a little bit of effort I could feel like a new person....or should I say, I could feel like the old me.

I dont mean to pace blame. But, the truth is, Maddison's Diabetes leaves me totally drained and tired. Exhausted. The night time checks over these past 3 years have left my sleep stages all whacked out. I dont think I ever really get to sleep before I have to wake up yet again. No wonder my thyroid is off again, on again! When I was diagnosed with this monster I was still running 3-5 miles a day as I had done for years. A routine. A great morning routine! I felt wonderful back then, even despite the couple of hard months I had when Diabetes started to invade me. Once I started insulin and gained back lost muscle and energy, I was in the best shape ever. I had never taken such good care of ME. Being newly diagnosed I was all about taking care of ME and defeating Diabetes. Then, 9 months later Maddison was diagnosed. ME never came back. I tried many times, I would get back on track, and then Diabetes would win. Or should I say, depression from Maddison's Diabetes would win. SLEEP was more important than waking up for ME time.

Nearly 3 years later and I'm STILL not back into a workout routine, which for me, is the cause of all this evil. If I don't exercise I don't care what I eat. And let me tell you, I eat anything. When I do exercise, I put in 150% effort to eat right. Everything falls into place. Once again, here I am...wondering what happened to caring for ME. What happened to the diligence I once had? What happened to CARING about my eating, my health and my blood sugars? My Endo gave me the okay to come in every 6 months instead of every 3 months and this is what I do? OMG...she's gonna freak. I can hear her already. She's gonna make sure I know I gained these extra pounds....she's gonna make sure I know any A1c over 6.0 is unacceptable. Yet, I don't care.....but with just A LITTLE effort, I COULD be where I used to be. The effort, and the interest in caring for MYSELF just hasn't been there. Or maybe, I'm just too tired. Maybe my thyroid is freaking out again?

WHY? Why does this happen? Today I came to the point where I just couldn't stand my lack of efforts anymore. I know, I've said this many times in the months past. I started back into my ME routine only to fail and choose sleep over exercise once again. UGH. I'm really tired of feeling gross, lazy and tired. So, tomorrow is the day. The kids have early release from school which means I stay home from work. As soon as I send them off to school my lazy butt is back on that treadmill. I have too. I need to take care of ME. No more sleeping every chance I get. Anyone want to help me stay accountable? If I could just get out of bed every morning at 5am to exercise I'd be good to go. But, that's easier said than done. I'm still choosing to sleep until 6am which means no exercise for me. TOMORROW I WILL be getting back to ME. I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL I HAVE TO I HAVE TO I HAVE TO I WILL!!

I know how great I feel after exercising. I know how I make much better food decisions when I work out. So why is it so damn hard to just do it? One little step in the right direction is all I need. Ok, maybe a PUSH. I think I will start having Josh call me every morning to nag me out of bed at 5am. Its hard to get back to sleep when you are irritated :) ME ME ME ME...poor ME has been neglected. I go in to see my Endo next week.....maybe a big fat HORRIBLE A1c is what I need to see to get motivated? Probably not. My A1c this time around is surely going to be reflective of NO EFFORT. I should be ashamed of myself! Oh promise tonight is that I will be making a come back. Look ahead, not back....look ahead not back.......


Meri said...

I'm so sorry. It's so easy to forget ourselves. (I have for too many years.) One step at a time...and by the by, if your A1C is in the 6's and your doctor says it's unacceptable-pop her in the kisser!

onecraftyme said...

I know how you feel! I have different reasons for not getting a full nights sleep but I too choose to sleep until 6 AM rather than get up and 5 and do a workout. Everything you said hits home for me so maybe we should push each other!!! Good luck on the treadmill


Wendy said...


We need a refreshing (GF) MNO!!!!!

I think you're a ROCKSTAR :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, first of all, cut yourself a little slack! I don't have Type 1 or Type 2, am a bit overweight, eat like crap sometimes and am up all night taking care of my niece 4 nights a week (Sis does the other 3). Twelve and blood sugars are hell on wheels at night = little to no sleep. I think it is unrealistic to think you can pick up where you left off and run three miles a day when you are exhausted. You still can get in some exercise (and good news is that you only need a half hour a day of exercise to maintain decent blood sugar control and one hour a day to lose weight). So buy yourself a Rebounder (mini-tramp), put in near your T.V. or computer and jump during commercials or try two fifteen minute segments or three ten minute segments. Park your car a bit away from all destinations (a block or two) so you get to walk more. Take the stairs instead of the elevator if you can where you work. Try to do this every day (half hour exercise) and reserve the three mile jog sessions for twice a week IF you can do it. As for testing, just do it. Healthy Mom is needed to take care of Madison and be here for Madison and your other kids for the long haul. Your kids will always need you, when they get married, have children of their own. You MUST take care of yourself so you can be there for them! Just because you can't give 100 percent effort, it does not have to mean all or nothing. Again, for good blood sugar control (not weight loss), only a half an hour of exercise a day is needed. Just do the best you can each day. Again, with diet. If you pig out, just stop in your tracks and get right back on to healthy eating at the next meal. I used to say to myself, "well, I've already blown my diet for the day, I'll start again tomorrow." Don't wait until tomorrow, start at your next meal, same day.