Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I should have known

I'm so angry over silly things today. I mean really completely silly things like my shoe is too tight, my sock is all bunched up and my co-workers are laughing out loud. The fax machine is beeping too often and getting on my nerves, my fingers are hitting the wrong keys. This isn't anything to be angry about on normal days, unless my blood sugar is high. I'm not really a tired high person, (unless I hit over 250) I am more of a very irritable and angry high person. As in, my blood is boiling and I need to be ALONE. I am the devil in other words. I should have known sooner that my blood sugar was whacked out. I've been pissed off all morning, about nothing. Nothing that matters, nothing that is anything to fret about.....but ohhhhh my meter that reads 217 mid morning says so. For me 217 is very, very high for this time of day. I "never" see anything over 120 this time of day....ahhhh....but sress is getting to me apparently. It isn't the number 217 that stresses me out, it is the 217feeling that eats me alive. I'm like a raving lunatic! How embarrasing!

When I arrived at work Hannah called to tell me Maddison is refusing to check her blood sugar before breakfast. I checked her in at 137 when I left for work a few hours prior, and I planned on letting them sleep in. But, Maddison would need to be re-checked at some point to make sure she is safe for sleeping in late. Gotta love Xmas vacation. No predictability. So, Hannah was trying to get her to check.....she was whiny and refusing, probably because Hannah was grumpy too and yelled at her. Fabulous. So, knowing Maddison, now she will be difficult and whiny all day. Grandma is there today to supervise a bit....this is exactly why the girls need some type of supervision for long days without a parent home. They just can't get along some days. If we didn't have the Diabetes shit to manage, they would be fine to lay around all day once in awhile. Diabetes is a pain in the ass when an 8yr old is "expected" to follow her management plan. Can't she just have a day off?

Now Hannah calls to say Maddison didn't bolus at all for her cereal as a snack. Fabulous. Cereal is a pre-bolus by about 30 minutes when I am home. I'm sure she is sitting in the high 300's by now. Here comes her devilish attitude to match. Add to that boredom and Maddison will be having some meltdowns shortly I am sure. I can feel my blood boiling again as I wait in anticipation of another phone call from Hannah. Up goes my blood sugar. This looks like a viscous cycle today. Why can't I just be pissed off because of my own bad attitude and blood sugar high at work? Why do I have to have kids at home causing drama and Maddison's entirely separate blood sugar issues to add to my stress? Can't I just be at work people? My mind is actually here and there! I have stress from both places at the same time. I used to enjoy the kids school vacations. I would take some time off from work and I didn't have to rely on anyone to manage Diabetes but myself. Now I sit here at work pissed off because I can't just manage it all myself. I'm a home mom, not a working mom. I've never planned on being a working mom when my kids were at home. Now I have no choice, as most mothers out there. I know, I shouldn't complain, but today I am. Too bad I can't just put my kids first as I always have. Today the bills come first. I am trapped here while my kids need me there. Or, at least the Diabetes needs me there.

I'm also making phone calls to our Mortgage company, COBRA and Pharmacy on my lunch hour. I'm trying to pay bills that are piling up.... No wonder my blood sugar is creeping higher by the second. I haven't even eaten anything today. That probably doesn't help the grumpiness either. The mail order Pharmacy always screws up test strips. Every-damn-shipment. They send us 600 instead of 1200. Then I have to call both Endo's and get a new "prior auth" for more than 200 per month. This is the wrong day for me to play catch up with my pile of mail.

I should have known sooner to avoid frustrating things when my blood sugar is already high. Now I want to just say @!#$ it and walk away from it all. I thought my back hurts from pulling a muscle, but I am almost wondering if I have a Kidney infection brewing. My entire left flank area is screaming in pain. I'm a total mess today and my attitude is even worse. You should see this "devil" side that my poor family has to deal with when I am high. This isn't me at all. I don't even like myself at this point and I just want to crawl in bed and sleep off my anger headache. ICK. I should have checked my blood sugar sooner today, maybe I could have avoided the unwelcomed devil side of me. Probably not though I guess.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Major suckage. That's one heck of a day even without your highs to deal with.

Wendy said...

Are things better today? I know I have no idea what it feels like to be 217, but I just want you to know that you do a GREAT job. Managing Addy sends me over the edge more often than I care to admit...I can't imagine dealing with my own D too.

You are an amazing mother -- working or not.