Feelings

This evening shortly after dinner I felt off. Maybe a low approaching? Not a strong feeling. Just a "hmmmmmm.....I must be hoovering in the lower range kind of feeling." Being that I've had several lows the past few days, (lot 8's??) I figured its better to check now than when I'm SURE I'm crashing. 46. Hmmmm, that's a very weird and unexpected 46. It didn't even have a defining "feeling." That's a bit scary. I always wonder how stressed and anxious I would be if one day I lost my ability to feel lows. How would you carry on normally? How could you drive safely? How could you exercise? Work in the yard? I guess the only answer would be a CGMS. I can't imagine!

Around 10pm Maddison said she felt low. A quick check revealed 260. She was just 288 an hour prior, I checked her then because I noticed she had gone to the restroom twice in an hour. I corrected that first 288, not before contemplating if I should just half correct or full correct. You see, swimming is again proving to be a major mess in this house. I've stuck to bolusing missed basal during swimming (the pump is disconnected for swimming) and SOMETIMES Maddison will be in range after. Sometimes she goes high 2-7 hours later. The other day I wised up and gave her .5 when she was done swimming. She ended up at 82. Perfect. Only that once. It hasn't worked since. So anyway, Maddison disagreed with her meter. She didn't believe the 288 was accurate, so we rechecked to find yet another high number.

Me: "What feeling are you having that makes you feel low Maddison?"

Maddison: "Its not a feeling mom!! It JUST IS LOW, IT DOESN"T HAVE A FEELING EVERY TIME!!

ME: Thinking..... YIKES Maddison, I know what you mean. It irritates me too when low doesn't really have a feeling. It irritates me when you see a high that you thought felt like a "low" and it irritates me that sometimes we dont have low feelings until its to late. Those lows are the hard ones to recover from!

FEELINGS, FEELINGS.....I'm tired of the range of feelings I have in a day lately. Just this morning I felt great. I got my chores done quickly, zoomed through the house with lots of energy and motivation. Then I spent time by the pool. Just me. Lots of time to think about EVERYTHING. I was right in the middle of pep talking myself into believing that all these crazy numbers Maddison is having isn't my fault. I felt good knowing that today I'm not placing blame on ME as my child's pancreas. For the first time in a long time I didn't feel guilt. I didn't feel anything about numbers. Numbers were just numbers for that moment. A little more pep talking, and I promised myself to stay optimistic. I prayed for strength. I asked for guidance. I felt like TODAY I would conquer these numbers. TODAY would be a better day, and we would start to find "stability" or "predictability" once again. Then Maddison came out to the pool.

Maddison joined me in an afternoon swim. I promised not to worry about what carbs she needed to get through swimming without going low. I promised to just go with it, correct if needed, treat a low if need be. But, I couldn't stop the worry. Swimming lately means Maddison is going to be high or low. There isn't an in between. All the Diabetes feelings came rushing back when Maddison's meter rang in at 62 hours later. DAMN DIABETES. Worry I do. Worry I must. How can I not worry when I have to make the decisions? This is my daughter, my child, my life. I have to continue trying to get things right. Every day. Day after day after day. No matter how many times we get kicked down, we get back up. Lately I feel like I can't win. I'm doing everything right, but every day is different. Feelings fly from one extreme to the other when I see what number that damn meter decides to flash. Sometimes I want to cheer. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometime I want to smash the meter to pieces and hide. But, I can't. Stuff down your feeling for one more day. Its always just one more day.