Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The trigger

My non "D" child complains of a headache or stomach ache. I stop. I try not to think it, but I do. I try to be rational, but the Diabetes thoughts take over. I hate that. I hate that I can't stop these worries from invading my mind. Complaining of a headache or stomach ache in our house is no longer seemingly innocent to me. I wish that it were. I wish that every minor complaint from Hannah didn't trigger my Diabetes diagnosis thoughts, but it does. I've struggled with this for years and I can't seem to chase the feelings away. Actually, for a time I did really well not thinking about it. But, the thoughts are back. What was the trigger this time!!??

Saturday. Saturday was the trigger to my crazy worries of Hannah developing Diabetes. Shouldn't I be able to just sit around and enjoy a damn volleyball tournament without Diabetes thoughts crossing my mind? This was the last time I would expect to think about it, but I sat and wondered how the hell I would manage blood sugars if Hannah were the one with "D." I watched the all the girls jumping, sprinting, spiking, and I couldn't help but wonder the best way to maintain good balance so Hannah could play her best. She doesn't even have Diabetes! BUT, you know me, I still wondered! Gatorade? Temp basal? Uncovered carbs? Tons of protein? These girls played nearly non-stop for 11 hours!! How do athletes find a "perfect" balance to perform their best? I know they do, but I can't imagine having to figure it out!

The other trigger for my "irrational" fear and worries is of course, stress. We are still struggling since COBRA and unemployment to get back on track. Maddison is still being difficult. I still don't sleep well and being a Volleyball mom takes alot of time out of my schedule when I should be catching up on my chores. I hate a messy house. You know. All the normal life stresses on top of all the chaos from the past few months. Stress makes me worry about EVERYTHING. So when Hannah woke up last week to use the restroom at 3 in the morning I heard her down the hall. Hmmmm.....why is she waking at night to go pee? Funny I can't wake up to my alarm clock buzzing for an hour but I can hear my kids down the hall. Hannah complained of being thirsty after practice. Do ya think? But, you know me, I still worried. I think worry is what I do best in life! Hannah complained of a headache upon waking up today. And, when she ate she had a stomach ache. She has complained for weeks about being very tired. My first thought.....her blood sugar is high!!

Could it please just STOP? I mean really! The last thing I need is to think about MORE Diabetes stuff. Maybe I need more anxiety medication. Maybe I just need a break from managing Maddison's Diabetes. Oh yeah.....I'd still have my own to manage. I feel trapped. Everywhere I turn, Diabetes is there. Right in the back of my mind just waiting for an opportunity to eat me alive lately it seems.

Months ago after FINALLY letting my worry and fears go I learned the depth of Type 1 in Josh's family. I had no idea. Three Type 1's on his side, 3 on my side. So, I you are telling me we have Type 1 on BOTH sides of our family? For real? I always thought this was just about my family crappy genetics. Adding the other side of the family equalled a worry trigger for me! I just can't win. I do so well in letting it go only to have something slap me in the face. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't sit around and worry all day. I'm not consumed. BUT, I just wish someone could have a medical ailment without the Diabetes thoughts flowing! I hate that Diabetes does this to me.

I guess when I think about my "worry" it isn't really worry afterall. I guess I would call it a fear, if that makes it any better. Worry doesn't do any good. I don't "worry" per say that Hannah is developing Diabetes. Why? Because I know she would be okay. We would do what we have to do just like we have been doing for years with Maddison and I. I guess I just "question" and "wonder" alot if a diagnosis is going to run up and slap us in the face at a time when we least expect it. Either way, I think I think too much!


Scott K. Johnson said...

I totally get you on this. I find myself watching and worrying about my kiddos too. I'm sure it is not to the degree that you deal with, but I think that is also natural in your position.

Like you say though, if it is in the plan, you will all be fine. It may suck, but you and they will survive.

Jill said...

OMG I know EXACTLY how you're feeling! After Kacey was diagnosed, the mommy worry got the best of me and I had Kayleigh's A1c checked too. Of course, she was in normal range, and I was thankful, but the worry doesnt ever go away because the doc said "Just check her sugar every few months to be sure!" Last week when Kayleigh got sick, she started seeing spots and said she felt like she was going to pass out. My first thought... SHES LOW! So I grabbed Kaceys kit and tested her really fast...81....ugh! That Mommy instinct kicked in and I tested her thinking it was Kacey. Amazing how a parent can react when that happens. I think I've finally come to terms with ...As Mommies, it's our job to worry.

***Big hugs***

Good luck today as you head off to the doc with Maddison :) I'm thinking about ya!

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