I'm sorry

Look at this needle! For those readers that aren't aware of what this needle is, it is a pump site needle. Insulin pump users inject this every time we change a pump site, at least every three days. The needle is pulled out and a thin "cannula" remains under the skin. For the first entire year of pumping Maddison never complained about site changes. She never flinched. She never made a sound, and never felt but a small pinch. She has been comfortable using just a few areas for her pump sites, but now those sites have become bruised and scarred so the insulin isn't absorbing properly. A few weeks ago when we tried to go back to using her tummy she had a very painful site change. She screamed out in pain, which for her takes alot. But like other little kids, she just doesn't have enough chubbiness to find new areas for her pump sites. We have no choice but to venture to other areas, chubby or not. Understandably, she has become fearful of site changes. All I can say is "I'm sorry" and hope she understands that we just don't have a choice.

Tonight after battling high 250-300's all day, it is apparent that Maddison's blood sugar isn't responding to just an increased basal rate and hourly corrections. It isn't just a few wrong carb counts. By bedtime she is 433, (also a wrong night for pizza!) so the site must be the culprit, right? I sure hope so. That would be an easy fix, I would prefer that. I just hope this craziness isn't the after math of last weeks stomach virus deciding to WHACK EVERYTHING OUT! Now I just had to convince Maddison we need to go back to her tummy. On Sunday I had let her go back to her favorite place (upper butt) and the numbers by the second day proved to be whacky. "Do the tummy or try an arm?" "There isn't another choice." I had to say. Her tears and pleading started immediately as they have the last many site changes. Talk about just wanting to hide. I can't help but feel horrible for coming at her with that damn needle in hand. I can tell her it won't hurt, but she knows too well that you just never know. I feel especially bad tonight for it is now 10pm, she surely is tired and feeling crappy, even emotional from running in the high, high range for hours. True, once the needle hits it is in, and usually the pain is just instantaneous. But she is just a little girl that doesn't want to be poked anymore!

After 5 minutes of Maddison crying and pleading I decided she wasn't talking herself out of her fear. "WAIT! STOP! JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE! I WILL SAY WHEN!" I could wait all day and she just freaks herself out more as I wait for her to give the "Go". She gets all worked up and exhausted because of this new fear, it breaks my heart. My poor Maddison. Good news, she hardly felt her tummy site tonight, but I sure felt her fear. Not only did I feel her fear but I felt her sadness, her every tear and her relief once we knew the site change was in without a painful jab to a muscle. I'm so frustrated again tonight having to put her through all this. The 100 finger pokes the past week, her missing class for the many lows, many highs that rob her of her feel good energy. Our crazy ER trip from just a little stomach bug. I'm tired of it all today. Mostly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all I can say is "be brave, stay strong" "this is just a normal site change!" Well, a site change isn't exactly "normal" for anyone, and certainly not for little kids! I'm sorry that THIS is our normal.

I tried to do my own arm site the other day and I jabbed myself straight in my triceps muscle. HOLY MOLY did THAT HURT! I even had tears welling up in my eyes. I honestly flinched the next few times I had to change my site, and I am a grown woman. It makes me feel horrible that Maddison is stuck in this fearful hesitant stage because of one horrible site change. And, I totally understand. I hate that tonight she felt helpless and scared after being tormented all day with 300 blood sugars. I'm sorry that she goes through this so often and all we can say is "I'm sorry"

Maddison understands why we have to use new pump site locations. She can tell you all about absorption issues and the importance of avoiding scar tissue. She understands we just want the best for her health. We had a brief but honest talk after all her tears tonight, and all she said was "I'm sorry mom".........SHE said she is sorry that she lost being brave! I could have lost it right then and there as the tears welled up in my eyes. I had to remind her of how brave she is every day with Diabetes, and she agreed with a smile. I'm so sad that she apologized to ME.