Letting go

I've just let go for the first time since Maddison was diagnosed. I was calm and mentally prepared. Now I'm panicking a bit thinking of the "what if's"....... I let Maddison go with a friend from school to the park without anyone but her knowing about Diabetes. Of course, they went with her friends mom, and of course they all know she has Diabetes, but they don't REALLY know. I guess you could say they know of it, but nothing about it.

This was a last minute invite and instead of making an excuse as I would usually do with people that aren't close friends or family, I said "Sure" as though those words have been just dying to escape so Maddison could gain some much needed freedom. I typed up a quick "All about Diabetes" list for the mom, packed Maddison's little backpack with her meter, my cell phone, juice and candy. She is good to go. She was 148 leaving and had .3 active. Her pump said just .1 was needed to get her into a tighter range. I gave her 10c of goldfish and 6c milk and off she went. Just like that. I didn't even hesitate. I just did it as though I didn't have a concern in the world! I was still feeling proud and relaxed the first few minutes after she left, now 20 minutes later I am sitting here trying to avoid the worry that is starting to consume me. The mom looked puzzled as I handed her the Diabetes info sheet I made while telling her that Diabetes is a misunderstood disease. I just smiled and said she would be fine with her snack and all her supplies. That poor lady, I dont think she knew what to say. It is probably better that she didn't say anything or I may have changed my mind that quickly.

Deep breath.....I know Maddison is 8 now and has been learning so much the last two years living with this demon. I hope she doesn't feel low but is high. That would be too confusing right now for Maddison and the poor blindsided mom wouldn't know what to think. If Maddison wasn't having the confused feelings of high/low, I would surely have more confidence sending her off on her own. Maddison is instructed to call if she tests for a low. I can tell you that the phone better not ring! I might have a heart attack right here and now as anxious as I am becoming. Actually I think I am more excited than anything. I feel good about this little trip Maddison is taking off on her own. This is the first of many times I will/have let go of my own fears, as unrealistic as they may be. Mostly I am proud right now. I am proud of myself for taking this first step and letting go, especially being the struggles we have been working to overcome lately. Mostly, I am proud of Maddison and the responsibility she takes every day. She has alot more maturity because of her Diabetes, I know that. I am picturing her now..... sliding, running, swinging.....happy as can be, and that is all that matters because I know she will be fine. I might just hug her a little tighter when she returns!