Speaking Too Soon

If you say it, Diabetes will change it. Haven't we all learned this by now? Yesterdays victory over swimming highs was short lived. Like, just a couple hours. Dinner brought low after low once again. How was I supposed to know Maddison would be low instead of high like yesterday?

The CGM sensor plopped out, right to the ground after Maddison's bath! I guess thats what I get for letting it "breathe" before applying new bandages. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. How can a 1.5 inche sensor just plop out? I was on my own to watch lows. Back to old school finger pokes every 15 minutes. Lows continued for 2 hours despite a decreased basal rate and multiple double low treatments. Did I mention Maddison was sleeping? Asleep again early. Those laps are really making her tired, as Im sure the lows are.

After the first hour of lows I began to panic inside. How the hell can I trust Maddison to be safe through the night? Do I need to get her to 200? 250? to keep her alive until morning? How do I know when and where her muscles and liver are going to steal back what glucose she does have in her blood? Obviously this was already happening, but what if these lows are just the beginning? What if I'm deep asleep at 3am and don't wake up for my alarm? What if WE are the parents that next grieve for their child who passed in the night because Diabetes and exercise are an incredibly tricky balance? Josh and I talked for quite awhile about these scary realities. Its hard to grasp that this could really happen. But, they can and have too often this past year, as we all have heard.

Needless to say, I couldnt sleep last night. Maddison ended up at 250 again all night, which was welcome after all the low nonsense. I finally fell asleep around
2am. Again at 4am I was woken by my own low. 32. THIRTY FREAKIN TWO. Scratch what I said in yesterdays post about the low I thought was going to do me in. This low, was my lowest ever and I do believe I saw the light! My entire body was numb, freezing cold. It was a total out of body experience. I sat at the kitchen counter slurping down gatorade frantically, yet at a slow pace because I couldnt hold up the bottle. I almost had to lie down on the floor, I just didnt have any strength left in my body. I swear things turned black for a second or two. I couldnt see. After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to roll back into Maddisons room and check her blood sugar. 260. That worked for me at that point. Safe. I crawled in bed with Maddison and held her tight, cherishing every moment.

By day 2 of no sleep I begin to feel irrational and super tearful. That would be today. We will see what the day holds. I'm still foggy minded after my terrible low. I feel drained. Entirely drained.