Monday, April 19, 2010

Trying to convince myself

The other day the topic of Diabetes Summer Camp came up while talking with the school nurse. -Sigh- I continually hear how GREAT camp is, and how Maddison just HAS to go. She will. But, now is not the time. No one seems to understand WHY I say now isn't the time, and, honestly, I don't care if they think this is about MY fears. It isnt. I know Maddison isn't ready to spend 7 days away from home. Heck, after 3 days on a family vacation Maddison is ALWAYS ready to go home. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I could tell people until I'm blue in the face that Maddison isn't like the average kid. When Maddison is done, she's DONE. As in, she needs time alone. Maddison shuts down. She's easily overstimulated and doesn't tolerate loud noise for long. After birthday parties, field trips, family gatherings.....she hides out in the comfort and silence of her bedroom for hours. Just doing what SHE likes to do. Actually, Maddison rarely makes it through a gathering before she's off on her own. She's always been that way. Maddison also ends up in our bed most nights by midnight. I could go on, but, I won't. A mom knows when their child isn't ready. That should be enough for people to lay off the Diabetes Summer Camp Wagon! (not you Beth!or Kristi!)

Do I have my own fears about sending Maddison to camp for 7 days? HECK YES! I know the camp ratio is something like 1:3. Per each 3 kids the camp has one medical professional assigned. An RN, MD.....that's pretty amazing. I know the kids at camp are busy from sun up to sun down. "They don't have time to miss home." I also know the kids can have alone time if needed. I know the children are constantly monitored 24/7 by the BEST Diabetes providers out there. But, none of that matters when your child isn't ready. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not the devil Mom when I tell Maddison this year wont be the year she goes. She so desperately wants to. I feel terrible telling her no. But, her 9yr old mind cant grasp the reality of 7 days. Mom always knows best. I know my daughter best. I have no doubt in my mind that I've made the right decision. Would Maddison survive the homesickness? Of course. But there's nothing wrong with waiting another year either! So, for the last time...MADDISON IS NOT GOING TO DIABETES CAMP THIS SUMMER.

I'm also trying to convince myself that I can manage Maddison's Diabetes if she does in fact join competitive swimming this year. Each time I'm ready to sign her up, I back down. The fear that I have is overwhelming. All the what if's? Its not during the swim meets that I worry so much. Its after. Its while she's sleeping. What isnt helping my fears is the sudden and tragic deaths of TRENT and Jessie that has shaken our Diabetes community to the core. I can't help but think of them on the hard nights of Diabetes, and wonder WHY those two boys lost their lives to this disease. While they slept. There is no doubt in my mind that the parents of these boys did EVERYTHING they could to manage their child's disease to the best of their ability. 24/7/365 just as we do. All hours of the night. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this. I can figure out competitive swimming and Diabetes. I'm SO scared to take this step forward.

What if I don't catch a low in the night after a long day of competitive meets? What if Maddison has a seizure? What if she DIES? Because **I** didn't get insulin doses or snacks right that night. Its all up to ME. To manage this disease that's crazy every day. Adding in competitive swimming? I dont know. We all know how 150 on the meter could be 30 or 300 in minutes. We all know what excersize does to blood sugar. I feel like such a total loser. Why am I SO afraid of this? What if Maddison is low during a meet and nearly drowns in the pool like I've heard on CWD? I have ALWAYS said Maddison and I aren't any different than others without Diabetes. I ALWAYS say we can do ANYTHING anyone else does. WE CAN. I know we CAN. But at what cost? Mom loses her sanity? Loses more sleep in fear of swimming lows all night? I want this for Maddison SO much. I just dont know if I can do this.

I HATE that Diabetes causes me this kind of fear. I've always dreaded figuring out swimming each summer. Lows that haunt us during. Then high 4-6 hours later. The lows 8-24 hours after. Its SO not fair. All my kid wants to do is swim her little heart out. I wonder how I'll get those damn pump sites to stick without falling off every day. Protein? Gatorade? Sugar? Glucose tabs? Ice cream? How long will it take for me to figure out the balance? Swimming at 250 means you dont compete your best, while swimming at 100 can be dangerous. I'm really HATING Diabetes at this moment. Tonight my heart aches for the easy days before Diabetes. I just want Maddison to be able to swim without all this worry. I guess its actually MY worry........I'm REALLY trying to convince myself that I can do this. I can manage Diabetes and keep Maddison safe from lows during competitive swim season. I'm just not buying any of it tonight! :(


Anonymous said...

This might cheer you up:

Penny said...

I hear ya and I hear the pain that the diabetes causes in your family. My gal G is 7 1/2 and has Type 1, diagnosed at age 6. And guess what? She is gong to camp this summer! I have the opposite of you - a gal who throws every care to the wind and a 'I'll be fine Mom, don't you worry, I won't even miss you!' shout-out to me as she leaves. Oy I tell ya.

It's fine that Maddison doesn't go to camp. She and you will decide when and if she ever goes. It's fine. You are not the devil, just a Mom who knows her kid. I applaud you for that.

On the swimming note, I am wondering if somehow, through the internet or such, you could talk with a competitive swimmer who does have Type 1, so you could have a better handle on Maddison swimming. Just a thought that crossed my mind. Also, I know there is a wonderful book out there for athletes who are T1, just can't remember the name of it right now.

Good luck with it all, you are a wonderful mom.

connie said...

I feel your pain and frustration Kelly. I cannot tell you how many times I have mourned for the days before diabetes entered our lives. Sometimes I look at other moms with their children at the park, mall, movies, wherever...and I feel jelous at times :( I wish that diabetes didn't impact everything that our children do, it's a hard pill to swallow.

I understand your feelings about not sending Maddison to camp. Try not to let others influence how you feel as a KNOW your child better then anyone and we all know that you are making a decision that is benefiting Maddison. Hang in there my new friend, I hope you feel better soon.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Momma always knows best.

Hallie said...

Oh, Kelly! I'm so sorry! This just sucks!

I think it's totally fine that you don't send her to camp. She has many years for that. But you know what? It doesn't matter what I think! YOU know what's best! Don't let anyone make you second guess that!

I had the same thought as Penny... Would there be a way to find a competitive swimmer with T1- college, high school or something? Of course, everyone is different. But it might help you with tricks and tips.

Good luck! And lots of (((hugs)))

Michael Hoskins said...

You've got it, Kelly - mom does know best. You and your daughter will decide when the time's best, and right for it. When that time comes, it'll be a great experience for her. On the swimming note: I swam for my entire 4 years of high school and initially during my first year of college (I was diagnosed at age 5; am now 31). Before that, spent most of my childhood playing baseball up through my early teen years. During those swimming years, I wasn't on a pump but injections and it was much tougher than it likely would have been for me had I been pumping. But it's very doable. I've been in touch with some Type 1 swimmers in the past and most recently connected with a college girl at Ball State University in Indiana (Jennifer Miles) who's been swimming since age 5 and was dx'd in high school, Might be a good one to touch base with. Good luck, and I'll look forward to seeing you around the Diabetes Online Community!