Monday, June 29, 2009

E-N-O-U-G-H

I've had enough of this thing they call Diabetes, I mean really. I'm hoping to get Maddison back on a "strict" sleeping and eating schedule in order to try and level things out.....so I have a clue where to start adjusting basals! We've been BAD. Up until midnight every night, then sleeping until 11am. What used to be the "dawn phenomenon" is now the afternoon phenomenon for Maddison! Its only taken me....ummmmm....8 days of afternoon highs (300's) to figure this out. E-N-O-U-G-H!!!!

Actually, this is still an assumption, not proven as of yet. Today I PROMISED to say no to breakfast cereal, no to ANYTHING with alot of fat grams for lunch and no to anything with an unknown carb count. I have to, in order to figure this out! What I learned today was....regardless of being 99% certain of every carbohydrate Maddison put in her mouth today....she still hit 300 by 2pm and stayed there without budging even with corrections. DUH! Her dawn phenomenon is now the afternoon phenomenon thanks to our LAZY summer schedule!

Tomorrow will be the experimental day #1 of increasing basals at that very UNUSUAL
11am time. Darn summer schedule. Did I ever mention how I despise the fact that my daughters blood sugars are managed after days of experimenting...trying to find what works and what doesn't? Yeah. I've just about had enough of Diabetes for this reason. I want to scream. I want to cry. I dont want Maddison to have to be my "experiment" any more! Why can't Diabetes just be shots? We can handle shots! We can handle counting carbs.....WHY is it so damn difficult and changing ALL THE DAMN TIME!!?? UGH.

Last night I was back to being unable to sleep thanks to Maddison's 55 at midnight. Recheck showed a 187. I REALLY wanted to leave that 187 alone. I really wanted to just go to sleep and not have to worry about Maddison being too high or dropping too low again. Can't I PLEASE just sleep in peace? But, 187 is higher than we'd like. So, I corrected it. Set the alarm for 2.5 hours later...Only to see an 82 staring at me. -Sigh- Now too low to sleep. 6c of juice left Maddie at 126. Perfect for sleep. An hour later I laid in a puddle of sweat. Now I'm too low. 41 at 3am. I can't get up. I'm confused. My heart is pounding, and there is no one there to help me. Somehow I found the Sweet tart gel hidden in my bedside table. I think that stuff is a miracle. I felt better within seconds it seemed, instead of hours as often happens with this kind of a low. Then I couldn't sleep again. So I cried. I've really just had ENOUGH of this chasing numbers game lately.

Hopefully a tighter sleeping schedule will help me pinpoint Maddison's afternoon issue with highs. Maybe not. My meter average is also the highest its ever been, and....I dont care so much. Yep. I really dont. I'm too angry to care. I'm too emotionally exhausted from chasing numbers all day. Hers...mine...hers....mine.... It is what it is sometimes I guess. Its all just too much lately. ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I'm at the point that I just want to hide...or run away. Where do you go when your at this point with Diabetes? I'm thinking a schedule.

2 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

Major suckage. It is SO HARD fighting with diabetes all the damn time - and you've got it x2. I'm feeling for you (and thinking and praying for you too).

mom2wendy said...

I wish I could say, come on over to my house, I will take care of both of you. I will do the midnight checks and you can sleep. I'll keep and eye on you too. I can't say that because of distance....but I can think it!:) I hope that you know that somewhere out there is a person who does understand and does care. You have a double whammy and darn it's hard.