Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Where we need to be

Thanks to our new pump site inserter arriving last night, Maddison was back in range within hours, despite the pizza and ice cream craziness. Back to where we need to be. Yes, I know I freak out over numbers...INITIALLY. I get all worked up out of stress and concern for how Maddison is feeling AND whats being harmed in that tiny body of hers.

The 200 range feels bad to me, when I was diagnosed in the high 300's I literally thought I was dying. That same feeling is what I think of and feel every time Maddison is "crazy high." Then I think of my Dad and how Maddison was diagnosed at age 6, not 32 like him. My Dad had complications within 15 years of his diagnosis. He was 47. My Dad followed strict meal plans and did everything he was supposed to do. There aren't any promises with this disease, and if research is as shows...genetically perhaps... Maddison and I are set up for complications regardless of our "control" or A1c. I'm not sure I agree with those studies, but its scary nonethe less!

Definition of "Crazy High" in my mind is over 280. Not sure why that number marks the level of my stress, but it does. If the "crazy high" is resulting from a bad carb count it doesn't bother me so much. It's impossible to get carb counts right all the time. But when Diabetes starts to take control and do weird, crazy and unpredictable things beyond my control....I become very angry at this disease. Anger isn't good, I know.

Last night Maddison was 89 going to bed. 4c brought her up right where I wanted her to be, a safer 120 for sleep. By 3am she hadn't budged. By 6am she was 72. Time to lower a basal rate somewhere. Perhaps this is where we would rather be with numbers, on the lower side. Maybe not. Too high, too low. They are both equally as dangerous it seems. I'm tired of numbers. Right now Maddison is right back to where she needs to be, nothing feels better than that. I can't help but feel relieved and a bit more stress free when she is.

Maddison's spending another day home with "Dad" today. I know he does his best to care for Maddison's Diabetes. He just doesn't do things the way I do, and thats okay. I feel bad that I lost it with him yesterday over ice cream, pizza and a
480. Life is too short, I know.....

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