Thursday, June 18, 2009

Lazy lazy lazy

Laziness. Is it summer and lacking a schedule? Or is it just me? Lacking motivation? Why have I gotten so careless and lazy? I was supposed to be up early this morning for that date with my treadmill. Nope. I slept until 10am. The kids are still sleeping and its nearing the afternoon. I choose to sit and have extra coffee instead of meeting my treadmill, catching up on chores or paying the bills that need to be paid. Who is this person that has taken me over? This isn't me, yet continues to be.

I think I'm having my first case of Diabetes burn out after 3 years, x's 2. Diabetes has manifested every part of my sole...who I am....who I am becoming. I don't want to feel this way, yet I'm struggling to find my way out. It isn't my Diabetes so much either. Its the other tiny fingers that I poke 24/7.....up to 15 times a day on a bad day. Its Maddison's pale face as she struggles to find the strength to make it to the couch so her low can pass. The ice cream truck that makes me want to hide. Swimming that should be fun, yet causes highs and lows that make me feel guilty for getting blood sugars wrong, yet again. My Maddison who talks about a cure, and how she can't wait for that day to come. I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying about my little girl. I'm tired of chasing these numbers and I'm tired of the fact that no one understands this life we lead. It isn't just a number....its our future.

Lately I haven't even been worried about Maddison's numbers. Things have been decent. We still have unpredictable nights. 300's, 50's and all that normal Diabetes chaos. But lately I just don't "care"......Diabetes just is what it is....and that scares me. When is not "caring" being lazy? When does it cross the line between just living the numbers and not giving your best effort? For Maddison's numbers I ALWAYS give 200% and that second thought for all the decsions I make. But for me, I haven't cared. I could be making changes to my basals, my ratios, my lack of excersize......but I haven't. I just dont care right now. Its too much work to try and "better" my numbers for fear of the lows it may cause. My numbers aren't running out of control, but my meter average is up to 140 when I know very well that some effort can have me down around 110. Is that something I should fret about? Should I kick myself back into "caring" about my numbers or do we all take this little break once in a while? When is a "little" break turning into a changing lifestyle? At one month? Three months? Six months?

I'm tired of being so lazy lazy lazy. Being lazy is tiring for me. I spend alot of time wondering why I can't just get back to being ME. That itself is exhausting. Lazy lazy lazy......I hate being this lazy. If I really hate it so much then why do I choose to stay this way? Maybe this "laziness" is just me letting go of perfecting things? What is normal anyway?

1 comment:

Wendy said...

I feel your pain...summer brings a change in routine and I just can't get motivated. Sigh. I think I need to go lay down.