A thinking day

I had alot on my mind today. I didnt go there with thoughts of what happened last year on this day. I didnt go back to how those last hours played out before we finally got my Dad to Hospice. I didn't reflect back and feel heartache for every wrong day that was spent in that hospital, and I didnt feel the guilt I usually feel when I think about my Dads passing. No, today was different. Today it was all about letting go and acknowledging the PEACE my Dad now has. No more pain. No more Dialysis. No more Diabetes. Only peace, and thats all that matters now.

I was supposed to go to work after Hannah's Sports Med appointment this morning. I never made it. Xrays came back fine. She has alot of fluid on her knee, a strained MCL and ACL. No Volleyball tournament or practice this week, she is out for at least 2 weeks and an MRI has been ordered. Physical Therapy. BUMMER. I just hope now she gets to healing!

So the story goes, we were sent to a Prosthetics/Orthotics clinic to get a hinged metal brace for Hannah's knee. It just so happened to be the SAME clinic where we took my Dad for his Diabetic Shoes just before his heart attack. He loved those shoes. He used to tease me that I could have them when he died. Diabetic shoes? Nice timing to go here on the one year anniversary of my Dads passing. Today of all days. But, I was set on keeping my positive way of thinking today damn it! No tears PLEASE!!

So, when you walk into this clinic all you see are Diabetic shoes of all styles. (WHY do they have to be so ugly!?) Hannah and I were lucky to be the only two there, but of course the rush came soon enough.

It wasn't pretty. It was like pure torture I tell you! The first person through the door was an elderly man walking with a foot boot. OH SHIT. Same kind of boot my Dad wore with his "Charcot's Foot." I couldnt help but wonder if this guy had a Diabetic complication with his foot too. In came a women helping her elderly mother. That alone makes me AND Hannah tearful when we see the Elderly struggle to stay mobile! Another guy in a wheel chair came right at us...as I glanced at his leg propped half way up I could see his leg was prosthetic!! His leg was amputated from the knee down!!! As the people rolled in it was like a bad dream. Every where I looked it was something that was likely Diabetes related. It really got me thinking. About everything.

Tears filled my eyes. But Diabetes demons weren't going to win. I kept thinking to myself that these elderly men are victims of the "just take a pill" mentality. They were likely left with no education about their Diabetes, and half the time Type 2 patients aren't even given a meter, or if they are, they are just told to test once a day or so! Just a "magic" pill is supposed to make it all better says the doctor. Not even an Endo. It disgusts me. If you ask me, Diabetes complications effect SO many Type 2 patients because they are left in the dark. They are blamed for their disease. They are told they can just take a pill and watch their diet. It is such a lie. It breaks my heart. Diabetes is Diabetes. The complications are the same, regardless of how you manage it!! There shouldnt be a blame game with Diabetes!!

Then, all I heard was a big BOOM at the reception desk, and saw an elderly man fall to the floor. I was beside him in an instant, asking him if it was his casted leg that caused him to fall or something else. He looked up at me with a familiar glazed eye look, his facial color was off, and he didn't reply. He had hit his head indenting the wall on the way down, and he just sat slumped in the corner. I knew it wasn't his leg that caused him to fall. His wife seemed irritated and just said "HE IS DIABETIC" to which I replied "SIR ARE YOU HAVING A LOW BLOOD SUGAR?" Of course he couldnt/didnt respond. His wife just kept on telling me he is fine. "Just sit him in the chair" she said. So another gentleman and I helped him off the floor. I then told them I am Diabetic too, telling her maybe she should check his blood sugar...the wife just looked at me like I had three heads! "HE IS FINE" she said.

That was it. I pushed a little saying he looks pale in color. This wife didnt care. I thought about grabbing my meter and checking him myself....but who am I to say this was a low blood sugar? A doctor came out with a wheel chair and took him back right away, and that was it.

I just sat thinking about how Diabetes SUCKS. And Hannah cried. Hannah has a soft heart for the elderly. She didnt need to see that poor man falling to the floor, today especially. She also didnt need to hear it was likely a low blood sugar. I know she worries about me and Maddison. Diabetes really IS a family disease.

We just sat quietly. I was thinking how fucked up Diabetes is. Thinking about how it is so misunderstood. Thinking about everything my Dad went through in his 30+ years with Type 1 Diabetes, when all his care providers blamed HIM for his complications. Thinking about T2 and how hard that must be. Just thinking. Was the old man ok back there? Did he need juice? I have Glucagon. Should I go ask? If this ever happens to Maddison will someone know to give her sugar? Does Maddison worry about herself? Am I managing her Diabetes well enough? Am I genetically pre-disposed to complications no matter how well controlled I am?

So much for only the positive thinking today. This was by far the craziest thinking day for me. My mind raced through ALL the questions. Sometimes I just don't know anymore. Diabetes was visible today. I hate that. I think I've thought everything I can think for now.