Choices

Maddison’s numbers have been screwy. I can’t tell you the last time we had predictability. First it was highs that needed to be conquered in the mornings after breakfast. Triple basals did it. Good for MAYBE 3 days. Then low. So, I switched the basals back. Still low. Decreased them further. MAYBE two good days, then the highs came back. Fixed that. Then highs at bedtime. Then after lunch. Then ALL night. Change, adjust, switch. This time of day, that time of day. This ratio, that ratio. Constantly changing something. You know how it goes.

But, guess what? For the first time ever…..I wasn’t pissed about it. I just did what I had to do. No cursing Diabetes. No losing sleep over horrid number stress (except for checking basals of course) It felt really good, for the first time EVER in three years to not STRESS about chaotic numbers. Did I hate those numbers deep down? YEP. But they didn’t stress me out. I just adjusted things and moved on, knowing I’m doing my best. Knowing I know what needs to be done and where. For the first time ever in 3 years, the numbers aren’t eating me alive! I never thought I would get to this place. Everyone told me I would, but I never believed them. I guess one day you really do just see the numbers as something to fix, not something that stresses you out! Of course, if this continues much longer, I might end up pretty ticked off and be singing a different tune!

Last night Maddison had her site changed an hour before bed. She was 273. Two hours later she was 413. Hmmm....corrected that. An hour later, 486. An obvious site failure. Maddison has only had 4 failed sites in three years. I should have known better with the first 413 number. I wondered of course, but chose to correct one more time before pulling the site. Stupid, I know. Lesson learned….pull the site with the first crazy high! So, what if I took a night off and didn’t wake up to recheck that 273? Maddison would have been VERY VERY sick within a few hours of having ZERO insulin in her body. That’s one major downfall of the pump. When a site goes bad, things get serious VERY quickly. Sleeping through the night is NOT an option for a lot of Moms with D kids, especially when you use an insulin pump. Bad sites = DKA within hours. DKA = a very sick child that needs to get to the ER STAT. Your child could even DIE. Sleeping through the night? Its just not an option most nights, especially on a site change night. That DOES piss me off! Why doesn’t the pump know when a site goes bad!!? Why doesn’t the pump know the insulin isn’t being pushed through the tubing!!??

My poor Maddie, felt like crap this morning. She was down to 85 for breakfast with zero insulin from corrections, but still had moderate ketones. 20 minutes after eating, she was 62. In one night we went from one potential emergency situation to another. From impending DKA to a low that could have caused just as many scary issues. Some days, you just can’t win. Now I wonder what the rest of the school day holds for Maddie. Will she be high from over correcting the low after breakfast? What are her basal needs THIS week? Will this be a low week or a high week? When will this end? What happened to the predictability we once had? What happened to getting insulin doses adjusted just right for months at a time? Sometimes, I think shots are easier. Sometimes, I think the expectation of todays D management is just too much. Testing 10-12 times a day is the norm around here, for Maddison anyway. That’s at least 70 finger pokes a week. When is it just too much? When do you step back and say Diabetes is in control right now and nothing I can do is working so we might as well back off a little? The answer is, you never back off. You just can’t. Its exhausting. Its aggravating. Its necessary. There isn’t a choice.

Had I chose to sleep through the night last night, Maddison could be in heaven today. That’s reality. Sure, we probably would have made it to the ER and defeated DKA….but what if we didn’t and Diabetes won? Even though I’m not angry with Diabetes today, I can honestly say that FEAR is never far away. I wish people understood. I wish people gave T1 the same respect and concern as other serious diseases. I wish...we had a cure.