Saturday, March 20, 2010

Two Months

Two months ago today, I was sure. I was comfortable with our decision. I knew it was for the best, and I knew there just wasn't any hope. In my heart I knew the reality, and had accepted it. Completely.

I know my Dad heard us fighting for him, two months ago today. I know he heard us pleading with the doctors to stop his suffering. Hospice was the answer. I was sure. We were all sure. We had found peace in our decison. Today, my heart continues to ache. Two months ago, we sat at my Dads bedside holding his hand. Silently. Waiting for transport to Hospice. For 4 long hours we waited, it seemed like an eternity. Watching my Dad be transferred to the stretcher and then wheeled down the hall was surreal. Somehow, I stayed calm inside. It was a feeling I will never forget. How did we end up here? How could something so "simple" have gone so wrong? Does he know he's being taken from here?

Josh and I drove in silence following the ambulance to Hospice. I wanted to just keep driving. I didn't want to get there. I kept wondering how my Mom and sister were feeling inside the ambulance with him. It hurt so much, just traveling behind. Two months ago, I had no idea how the loss of a parent would change who you are. Change your entire perspective of life. In just a few short breaths. Its only been two months, yet today it feels like an eternity.

Today, I remember my Dads smile. His gorgeous blue eyes. His infectious laugh. Its been very hard to let go of the tragedy we have experienced. Even harder to not think about what My Dad went through. But, days like today I have to take back my heart ache and refocus. I'm at peace with my Dads passing. I really am. No more Dialysis. No more chronic back pain. No more Neuropathy. No more blindness. No more pain. No more Diabetes. A peaceful no more. Today, my Dad is whole.... I wish I felt the same.

1 comment:

phonelady said...

Hugs to you and yes we never quite get over the loss of someone we love do we ? again Hugs to you .,