Last night I was suddenly taken over by a horribly bad headache. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, but Maddison and I were both hoovering in the 70's, too low with active insulin from dinner to go to sleep. Damn Diabetes!
My headache intensified by the minute, now with rubber band tight muscles down my neck and sensitivity to light. I haven't had a migraine since pregnancies, so naturally...the hypochondriac that I am was sure I had meningitis! I waited each 20minutes to recheck both our sugars. We just weren't budging! Damn Diabetes, I just need to sleep! An hour later I just couldnt stay awake another second. By then, Maddie and I both had zero active insulin but were still in the 90's, so I forced more juice into both of us and set the alarm for an hour later. I HAD to go to sleep to stop this pain.
I didnt even make it to the alarm. I was up out of bed sweating with heart palpitations after about 40 minutes. I was short of breath. Confused. Weak. I seriously thought something else was VERY wrong and I wondered if I should wake Josh to tell him. I checked my sugar which was 130. I was sure Diabetes was to blame. When all else fails, I blame Diabetes. Know why? Because Diabetes is scary. When you are sick and have Diabetes, it makes you feel totally out of control, unable to help my own self....because you never know when Diabetes takes back the control.
So there I was with my face in the toilet, puking my guts out while my head wanted to explode. YUCK. Migraines SUCK. WEIRD. From out of nowhere. Fearing what vomiting would do to my BS, I set a temp basal so I could sleep. I woke up an hour later at 195 feeling worse yet. Cant I just sleep without this worry!!??
I was freaked out because the puking. Without Diabetes, puking would just be puking. No biggie. It sucks, but you will likely be fine. I felt like death while being consumed with worry over what my BS would do now. I just needed sleep, and I was too afraid to sleep. Because of Diabetes. I checked my ketones. Negative. I woke Josh to tell him to check on me before work. Then I fell asleep.
Then I dreamed some terrible dreams. I dreamed that the girls couldnt wake me up that morning. They called Josh at work, who called an ambulance, but it was too late. I had died in my sleep. Because of Diabetes. Something just went wrong, because vomiting and Diabetes IS a big deal. In my dream I could feel my childrens sorrows. I worried that Maddison would fear for herself in the future. I dreamed that Hannah ended up a teenage mess. I hate dreams that you can actually feel the emotions!
One Migraine caused so much emotional drama for me. I woke up this morning reminded that ***I*** actually have Diabetes. An unpredictable disease. My Diabetes is usually there silently. I've never really worried about myself, for I have enough worry for Maddison alone. Now, I'm not so sure. **I** have Diabetes? This may sound strange, but I've never really thought about what that means for ME.
Loosing my Dad has changed who I am. These days I'm paranoid that I will follow him down that path of complications. What if heredity really does play part in your risk of complications, regardless of how well you manage the disease? I'm worried about my eyes. I'm no stranger to back pain, I'm sure my kidneys are failing. All my recent lows have me convinced I have gastoparesis just the same as my Dad. I think about death and dying alot. Lately I'm sure I'm going to die young, because of Diabetes. My confession. This is what my Dads death has done to me. I'm irrational when it comes to health, I'm fearful. I don't trust ANY doctors anymore and I'm consumed with thoughts of what lies ahead health wise for me and those I love.
I'm supposed to schedule a Hysterectomy for precancer of my cervix and my long standing Endometriosis. But, I cant. In my irrational mind, I'm certain I will die on the operating table. I'm certain I will get a hospital acquired infection, just like my Dad. I'm certain the surgeon will puncture something. I'm sure my blood sugars will whack out, or the hospital will screw up my insulin and cause DKA or seizures. I just can't schedule the surgery right now. I need to wait for this stage of grief to pass. I just can't trust anyone when it comes to ANYTHING that has to do with surgery. I just can't. I know I'm going through all this irrational thinking because those 25 days I spent in ICU with my Dad. I sat there 10 hours a day watching him suffer. Watching doctors screw up orders and cause more problems. Feeling hopeless, helpless and guilty for everything he was going through.
I'm back to hating Diabetes for what it took from my Dad. I'm not liking this fearful place I'm in. I've read that being pre-occupied with death or dying after loosing a loved one is common. Its weird, I can't make it stop. When I was at my Endo appt last week my Potassium was low and she was questioning my cortisol level (stress hormone) and something about an acute adrenal crisis. She told me that if I continue to have lows, heart palpitations or shortness of breath I need to call her STAT for additional labs. I've had the lows for sure, but until last night I didnt have any other concerns. I have to keep telling myself last night was just a MIGRAINE, while my irrational side says I'm surely dying.
I'm convinced my Mom and Josh both have lung cancer. I'm convinced my sisters are dying too. I'm sure my kids have some looming cancer or weird undiscovered disease. I'm afraid Maddison is going to go to sleep and never wake up. Because of Diabetes. I guess I'm afraid of loss right now. My Dad was the first person I was close to that died. Add to that the way in which he died and you get something that eats me alive to this day. I thought I was coping fine and healing my broken heart. I guess not. This really sucks. I know its silly. But its there. I just cant stop thinking of death and dying. Grieving is a weird thing. The stages we go through is bizarre. Stress from it all sucks. I guess I have a long way to go.
Moving my blog again
3 years ago