Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Day

In December 2005 I remember feeling like a psycho chick. I zoomed around with a weird panicky type feeling all the time. Like my heart was working overtime. Palpitating. Speeding me up into overdrive. I couldnt control my outbursts. Meltdowns. Like I was a kid again, with no control over the mean things that came from my mouth. I was totally ashamed of my behavior, I felt like someone else. I thought it was the new depression meds. I stopped taking them right away.

In mid January I realized how starving I was ALL the time. I thought it was the new higher impact workouts. I had switched from daily jogging to interval training. Yep. Thats gotta be why I eat almost constantly. Right? I still continued to be a total "bitch" even to my kids. But, I was weaning off some meds that weren't for me. I'd fall asleep every night snuggled next to Maddison and Hannah in bed. I was supposed to be reading them their bedtime stories, but I couldnt sit down without my eyeballs rolling around in my head from shear exhaustion. I'd fall asleep almost instantly. Weird. I blamed the med changes for that too. By February I realized I was having frequent muscle cramps in my legs. I was waking at night to pee. I've never done that before. But I was peeing so much because I was drinking so much. Right?

I knew what was going on. But denial is a real thing. Neighbors started to comment on my weight loss. Well, yes....of course! I'm working out more than ever you know! Then came the last week when all I could do was lie on the couch. Literally. I couldnt stay awake. My vision turned to blurry. It was then that I realized this was real.

St Patricks Day 2006. My A1c came back at 13%. I always knew I would end up with Diabetes. I dont know why, maybe it was just paranoia from my Dads life with Diabetes, I dont know. But when it was really here, I couldnt believe it. My doctor explained I likely have Type 1.5, a mixture between T1 and T2....with adult onset. He called me in an RX for Metformin and Actos. He didnt know any better. My Cpeptide was never tested, and he didnt know enough to check antibodies. I was referred to an Endo. I couldnt get an appointment for 4 weeks.

For two weeks I took those pills, until I really thought I was dying. I guess I was. I started to look for another Endo, ANYONE that could get me in sooner. Nothing. The more reading I did online the more I knew this wasn't T2. The more I read about DKA and all the realities of this new life. So, I called back my PCP and told him how I couldnt get my blood sugar under 250. He sent me to the ER.

In the ER I was given Novolog for the first time. I hit 82 within an hour, and MAN. Let me tell you. After an A1c of 13% for who knows how long, that 82 felt like death. 82 was WAY too low for me to feel good. Juice and Graham crackers. Sent home. Without anything.

I lucked out and got an appointment the next day with another Endo. He ordered additional labs. That was it. I stressed that I was T1, not T2 and I needed insulin not pills. I waited another day or two for those labs to come back. My Cpeptide was around 1.5 (or something like that) and I had GAD antibodies. So, the MA in the office called me to give me the news. All she had to say was I had antibodies, and they were calling me in an RX for Lantus. Start with 5units at night, call in 4 weeks for a followup. That was it.

I was entirely left on my own. I joined a forum group online and started learning right away from the patients themselves. Most were T1 that were now adults, diagnosed as children. I learned everything there. Sure, I grew up with a father who had Type 1...but it was never talked about. I was on just Lantus for almost a year until I needed to add Novolog. I learned all that there too. Just ask a question, and you'd get tons of responses right away. Thank goodness for the internet! I was healthier right away because of it!

I was never really worried for myself back then. I was TERRIFIED of lows. I would NEVER go to bed with Novolog still in my system. I just couldnt. It took me almost 2years to get over the fear of lows when sleeping. I think my biggest fear was not waking up. Having my kids find me dead in bed. I felt so much better after starting insulin. I resumed my workouts and ended up being in the best shape ever. It was awesome. I felt like I could conquer the world, and I knew Diabetes would not defeat me. Then 9 months later Maddison was diagnosed. And all that changed. Life has never been the same since.

So, for me, it wasn't MY DAY that changed me. It was Maddison's day. I thought I had some brilliant things to say about MY last 4 years of having Diabetes. I guess I dont. Maddison's diagnosis and life with Diabetes kinda takes all of ME over. Today I'm just happy that I can truely understand what she feels. I really am. We are not in this alone. We have each other. So, here's to 4 years of kicking D's butt! Many more to come :)


Wendy said...

I'm so happy you're healthy today...YOU ROCK, my friend!!!!!!

My life is a better place because of your friendship. Love you!!!!!!

Donna said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! How scared and confused you must have been. You strength and courage are absolutely amazing!

Meri said...

You have come so far Kelly! Yay for pumps!! You have overcome so much...celebrate you today. :)

Hallie said...

Yay for you, Kelly! I'm so glad you had the 'net and got healthy. You've come a long way in the past 4 years! You should be proud!

Funny- I see so much of myself in what you write. Even though I don't have D, don't have a family a history, and know that there's probably a lot more differences between us... I just FEEL what you write. I can relate to so much of it. Your pain, your feelings just seem to echo my own. I'm so glad to have found you! :)