Sunday, December 30, 2007

Open mouth insert foot

Great night of numbers last night! Stayed from 130-150 all night. What relief! The problem? 34 after breakfast with 1.5 active this morning.......ERRRRR. Just when I was saying in my last post how numbers don't bother me so much anymore, deal with it, move on.....well, scratch that! Not today! I am so pissed! I cried, I screamed in my pillow. Every time I talk about something good doomsday begins. Why the hell does it happen that way?

To see a 34 on the meter makes you instantly blurt out something like "Oh shit!" or worse. To see your little girl pale, shaking and looking right through you.....makes you literally sick. It scares the hell out of you. pisses you off. It is like someone teasing or taunting your kid at school. It is like someone saying something bad about your child that isn't true. It enrages you. Diabetes is when things like this 34 slap you in the face. I don't think people realize my 7yr olds life was just threatened. She could have had a seizure. She did nothing wrong. But, I sure feel like I did. I am in control of her body, and I failed her-again. Somehow I fucked up, not intentionally...but I did. I am so angry right now I could just crawl in bed all day. Shut down. But we don't. We carry this with us all day. And we still have to smile and pretend 34 didn't leave its mark. But it does.

1 comment:

Cosmo Mom said...

I'm with you, there is nothing sadder or scarier than seeing your baby, pale, shaking and with that blank stare as they look right threw you with Glass colored eyes. I'm sorry she had this low, they are scary and they do leave there marks on the mom's dont they? But she's okay, and i'm sure the mark on her wasn't as big.The only reason I say this is because of a Teen on CWD who told me so.She said that the low's hurt her mom a lot more than her. THat once it was over, she kinda recovered then went on with her day, but it was her mom who would go to a room alone, and cry. She's okay, your okay. We'll all be okay =)
ps. did you know that i'm Mymommymommy at CWD??