324

Tonight after girl scouts Maddison was 324. Yes, this was just one hour after the girl scout treat, 2 "Sugar Free" (YUCK! how nice of them)chocolate chip cookies, and a graham cracker square. So it makes me wonder why she spikes so darn high? She did start out on the high side (224) for dinner anyway and girl scouts was right after. No notice to let me pre-bolus, so that didn't help either.I am always a pre-bolus mom. I have to. She spikes to crazy numbers, then drops in range by 3 hours. It amazes me that people can bolus after they eat. I understand that some have to with young children. I never, ever see a 200 of my own, certainly not a 300, even after birthday cake, Thanksgiving, cheesecake, huge carb binges..... Never. My insulin goes in and works alot faster than for Maddison it seems. I just don't understand it.

Those numbers after eating haunt me in my sleep. Sometimes I check an hour post prandial just to see what is happening in that little body. That is how I learned to pre-bolus, even starting to eat at a "good" number. If she doesn't finish what she is carbed out for, she gets a snack in an hour or so, or juice. She doesn't eat fruit, so juice is a good choice. It usually works well. The funny thing is she seems fine, she doesn't usually feel her highs. I guess most kids don't. I know when I was diagnosed with an A1c of 13% I thought I was dying. I sure felt it. I guess it is staying at that number that catches up with you. I always think of the damage being done with a 200 or 300.

Sometimes I even have nightmares. They usually involve the Dialysis Clinic. My Dad is currently on home dialysis, but when he had to visit the clinic 3 times a week for Hemo-dialysis my sisters and I each took him a day of the week. Talk about torture. What a horrible, miserable place. My dad had recurrent infections at home with the peritoneal dialysis. The only option was the clinic. So, I would sit there with him as he the machine took over his body. Crazy how something that was keeping him alive was such a nightmare to see. He suffered severe cramping, fainting episodes, emergent drops in blood pressure, blood sugar. Severe headaches. He would turn pale white, stop in mid sentence and stare. Every minute that I sat there I was as stiff as a board. I was so tense I would come home afterwards and suffer the worst migraines, and nightmares. That is nothing in comparison to what he went through, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays of every week for 6 months. Finally I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't listen to any more patient stories of their lifetime of battling Diabetes. I was new in my own diagnosis and depressed anyway. I was scared for him before he had to go to the dialysis clinic. Now it was me, and I was only 28 with 2 kids to raise. My day to take him was eating me alive. Making me completely hopeless. So, looking like a coward I started to just wait in the lobby, no more sitting in the back holding Dads hand, keeping him company and his mind off of the torture. I feel guilty for that. I know he understood, but I still feel horrible about it.

So, when Maddison has these numbers that is what haunts me in my mind. They say that complications set in after about 20 years. Well, my dad was 32 when diagnosed. He was about 50 when he had to quit work due to retinopathy. Kidney failure at age 55. Maddison was diagnosed at age 6. You do the math. And people wonder why Diabetes rules the lives of parents that have children with this disease. We are desperate to keep our child's health.

On Saturday we visited my Dad and Mom, and my Dad had the usual comments to Maddison about taking care of herself. And me too of course. So then it came time for him to go do his "exchange" (he does Peritoneal dialysis 5 times a day now at home)He goes into his room and lies down for about an hour process. He usually falls asleep. So, it was late and we needed to get the kids in bed. We went in to kiss him goodnight and goodbye. I felt sick seeing him laying there with his IV pole and tubing coming out everywhere. I felt sick because of everything he has gone through, and continues to go through because of this stupid disease. I felt sick because Maddison sees him like that. I wonder what she thinks about Grandpa and his Diabetes. I wonder if she is scared sometimes. I do my best to make sure she knows that won't be us. To tell her that Grandpa didn't have a pump like us. To make sure she knows Grandpa never learned the right way to take care of himself. To make sure she knows that we have better treatment options everyday. I always tell her how lucky we are to have Diabetes in 2000 and not 30 years ago. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

Anyway, enough of that. I was going to post today about our weekend, and somehow Maddison's 324 tonight chased away all my good weekend thoughts. We had a great weekend. Lots of birthday fun, enjoyed some cold weather. Lots of family and a chance to sleep in! What else could you ask for?