Sunday, January 31, 2010

Dads Memorial

This afternoon all of our family gathered to honor and remember Dad. We had a very casual family lunch at a local steak house. The room I reserved there was a quaint and quiet little place, it was perfect. Just what we wanted. My Dad was a very casual guy, and LOVED this steakhouse. Add in cherished family, ALL 4 of my sisters, some pictures of Dad, some flowers, and lots of love with talk of memories, and you get the ideal memorial, just how we wanted it to be.

Sorry Sistas! Not the best picture!! Top row from left...ME, sister Julie from Germany, Wendy (with baby tummy)Bottom left is Angie, Mom, then Melanie! I hope someone else got some better pictures!

Anyone that knows my Dad, knows his love of classic cars. Back in the days when my Dad was healthier and feeling well, he restored old cars during his free time. His pride and joy was his 1966 Ford Pickup Truck. My Dad gave my youngest sister (Melanie) his truck when he was no longer able to drive it because of his poor vision. The right thing to do today, was for Melanie to fire up that engine. Dads truck came right along with us to his memorial......we HAD to take some fun pictures with it....

So, everyone asks, how am I doing? I'm doing GREAT actually...I know, thats scary. I'm pretty emotionally void. I seem to be stuck in denial. Somehow, I still think my Dad is coming home. Somehow, I still think he is in that SICK hospital. Somehow, I think this is all a nightmare. CRAZY. I'm afraid of the days, weeks and months that lie ahead. I'm afraid of the pain that I know I will eventually feel. TERRIFIED, actually. I have never been close to anyone that has died....this is all surreal. Its a very empty feeling. I know its there, somewhere deep inside. A few silent tears do trickle out at random times, I must admit. But so far, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the day I wake up and just want to hide from this reality. I know that day may be fast approaching. But today, I can say to myself that my Dad is in a better place. No longer is he suffering. And, I can say that without alot of grief. Its a numbness though, I know.

My Mom? She is doing well as expected, but of course she has some very painful moments that pop in out of nowhere. My sister is here from Germany until later this week and staying with Mom, I know that is helping to fill the empty house.

Blood sugars? Mine SUCK. SUCK as in, stress REALLY effects your numbers!! I'm hanging out in the 200 range often lately. 250's even seen too often!! YUCK. Damn Diabetes. As if I dont feel bad enough!

Maddison has an Endo appointment Tuesday....I KNOW her A1c will be the worst EVER. Maybe her A1c will be the trigger of my grief for my Dad.....I'm guessing it might be.... The past month I haven't been able to give Maddison's numbers the attention I used to. I've been drained. I've spent every day and night lost in chaos at the hospital. Crazy eating times. Crazy eating habits. Checking BS less. Making less adjustments because I didnt have the energy.....sounds terrible, I know. But its the truth. Diabetes wasn't the main thing on my Dad was. And so, Maddison's A1c is surely going to stab me in the heart. Just another reminder of how my Dad lived with this fucked up disease for so long. I hate A1c's!!!

Oh well. An A1c is what it is I guess. Its time for me to get back on the Diabetes defeat track. Dads memorial today was perfect, thats all that matters right now.


phonelady said...

Im so glad your dads memorial service went so well . Gosh you guys look so much alike you and your mom the most I think . Love the old truck glad you have your memeories . God bless you .

Meri said...

What a beautiful way to honor your father. and your video was so wonderful, the love for your father lept off the page.

Heidi / Jack's Pack said...

Between Saturday's lunch and Sunday's memorial, it sounds as though you've had some special time with your family. I'm so glad. I've been thinking of you, wondering how you're doing, hoping this time with your family was peaceful and healing.

I hope your blood sugars stabilize and you begin to feel better physically and emotionally. As you said, damn diabetes!

Don't beat yourself up over Maddison's A1C. You are a GREAT mother and daughter, and you were taking care of your father and giving him an amazing gift. You'll get back track on with Maddison's D care.

When your pain eventually hits hard, know that you're surrounded by D moms, who truly care, who will listen and who will help.

Beth said...

I'm so glad the memorial was all you wanted it to be - celebrating your dad in just the way he'd want is the best tribute you could give him.
{{{hugs}}} and love to you all!