Friday, December 31, 2010

Allota Work Ahead

Man, do I have allota work ahead of me in 2011! Mainly on the Diabetes side. In 2010 when something had to give to spare me some sanity, it was Diabetes diligence that took the back seat. Both Maddison and I have been sporting an a1c that is much higher than I'd like to see, and I'm sporting a chubby middle section that shows my lack of workouts for months now. I know I can do better. I know I can for both Maddison and I by bringing back what used to be the ONLY way Diabetes was allowed in this house.

My Diabetes rules in THIS house: (somehow they all disappeared!)

PREBOLUS ALL MEALS!! From Maddison's day 1 of Diabetes I have always been the Pre-bolus FREAK. That freak is required to make a stay in this house for 2011 and always.

Limited sweet treats!!!!

I'm up at 530am for 20 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training!!! THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE FOR ME!!!!!!

For myself, what used to be, I eat fairly low carb, and only low glycemic. I'm also used to eating every 2-3 hours. My food choices have become quite horrible!!! I do however, have a day or two of free eating days a week, because if pizza is for dinner, I eat that too. If we have a party to go to....I eat that too! But for the most part, during the school and work week I need to be following my eating rules!! My dad established these life habits by following his "Diabetic" diet, and dang it, I swear it is the only way to go. I know they say we "Can eat that" but we all know that isn't really true....

No eating if your sugar is over 200. Period. A longer pre-bolus needed!

I WILL NOT wear my site for 6 days any longer!! I promise!!

No more over treating MY lows! I will care what my sugar will be later. I will not just ignore it and check later. (I usually do this at bedtime because I just want to sleep RIGHT NOW!!))

Maddison WILL be taking on more of her Diabetes care. She needs to be held accountable if she doesn't check when I ask. I WILL NOT go to her and check for her when she ignored my request. She WILL do it herself. I cannot keep pretending her disease is my disease, because it isn't. (THIS IS THE HARDEST FOR ME)

For myself, I will get back to that 100 range 90% of the time. It is very possible, if I do what I USED to do by standard of care!!

For Maddison, I will not let fear of Dead in Bed Syndrome at night cause me to run Maddison higher. I WILL get her back to the 130's at night. I will make changes, if\when those highs come in, I will not wait around for two weeks for them to ''settle'' I will not fear night time lows!!! (Hmmmmmmm)

Thats about it. Its a good start. I NEVER imagined I would become lazy where Diabetes care is concerned. I guess Diabetes really does just become a ''new normal'' with time, but that doesnt mean we can become lazy and careless!!

2011, I'm ready. The DOC has heard my promise to myself. Now ya better hold me accountable!! :)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

On this day last year

Here come the last days of 2010! I should be thinking about personal goals I'd like to meet in 2011, but I'm stuck looking back to last year at this time, a time I had so much hope in my heart, yet so much fear and worry for my Dad's recovery. My Dad had his Quintuple Bypass a year ago yesterday. Words could never completely describe the following 24 days in CCU, followed by our fight to get my Dad to Hospice and discontinue life support. Today, I'm haunted. I'm drawn to going back through my blog posts, remembering the days as they come.....

I think I do this to help myself remember that we made the right decision in the end. I think I need to reflect back to move forward, because this time of year will forever be a tough time for me....

A year ago today

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas of Changes

Christmas turned out to be just perfectly beautiful this year! Super relaxing. No stress. Just a tad of emptiness in my heart.

We are used to hosting most of the holidays in our home, not really stressful per say, but always super busy for me. This year, we took Christmas back to Moms house for a change. Surrounded by family, it still seemed empty. Our first Christmas without my Dad, but in heart I felt his presence. For a moment I thought I might cry a tear or two, but then I remembered the peace he now has. No more pain. No more Dialysis. No more Diabetes. And that, is peaceful.

This was also our first Christmas without our "home" of 10+ years, and I must say my heart did ache just a little. I missed our fireplace where the stockings hung on Christmas morning.

I missed my Diego who each year so eagerly woke us on Christmas morning squeaking his new ball he found under the tree.....From CHRISTMAS2010
From December2009
I missed having my Christmas coffee poolside, enjoying the kids playing outside in the yard....I really missed our old home this holiday season!


I also missed the sounds of our cul-de-sac friends playing outside early Christmas morning enjoying each other company while the kids sported new bikes, scooters and such. Yes, my heart did ache just a little. Now that its all said and done I must say despite all the changes this year it all ended up just like it should. Family. Friends. Lots of love and new memories to cherish, and thats all that really matters. Christmas of changes turned out just perfectly afterall.

Christmas Eve Surprise

Look what little surprise made our day on Christmas Eve...


A little bit of love from across the globe...


Thank you Houston family! Your "OrnaPod" gift brought tears to my eyes, and giggles from Maddison. There are no words to truly express how it feels to be connected to a family we never met, all because of this crazy life we all live.....


Have you ever seen Diabetes be beautiful? Thanks to the Houston family, today we have :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Silly Me

Back from my Endo appointment with only good news for a change! My Thyroid levels are perfectly in range, and I haven't had medication since September! YAY! Looks like removing the affected left lobe with the mass and cyst did the trick :) No more Hyperthyroid!

My A1c was MUCH lower than I expected. I was sure I had hit 8% for the first time ever. NOPE! Finger poke A1c showed 6.5% and the lab draw 2 weeks ago showed a 6.8% so I was pleasantly surprised! Shocked actually!

I have been feeling pretty angry with myself for the pure laziness on my part...lack of pre-bolusing especially. I have been making horrible food choices, eating too much, and not doing my morning workouts since September!! It has REALLY caught up with me! Im 5 lbs over my ideal weight! AHHHH!!!! I know you are thinking 5 lbs is nothing, but it is. It starts somewhere, and on my petite frame it SHOWS!

I talked with Dr D about my eating "issues" with the changing seasons, and how I'm dreadfully tired and lazy in the winter months. We are thinking its time to up the tiny dose of Celexa I take......I'm giving Apidra another try, and I might just go back to MDI to help curb my eating! The pump makes it too easy to eat whatever and whenever you want. If I had to shoot up for that cookie or candy, I might think twice. So, Im debating. Would I even know how the hell to dose corrections anymore? Sheesh, its been a l-o-n-g time since I've been on injections!

Turns out I'm now also anemic. That explains some of the fatigue Im having....if its not one thing its another for me!

Silly me, I was all freaked out about my level of Diabetes control lately. I guess Im not screwing up as much as I thought. But, I have alot of work ahead. I need to start with getting out of bed in the morning instead of hitting snooze. Snooze means no work out time in the mornings, and that is step one that needs to change!

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Bright Side

After sharing my wish for an early good riddance to 2010, I guess I should share the bright side of 2010 right?

Our Health- We still have our health, unlike many others. Lately it seems everywhere I turn friends, coworkers, neighbors and children are being diagnosed with conditions or diseases, many of which could even be terminal. 2010 blessed us yet again with good health, and I have had an "easy" year where Maddison's Diabetes management is concerned. That in itself, definitely gave 2010 a bright side!

By far the brightest side of 2010? Well...I couldn't save the best for last! I had to share it NOW!!! This year I have found a new level of "comfort" with Diabetes that I never thought was possible. I NEVER thought I would stop my obsessive tendency to micro manage numbers. I never thought I would be able to stop wondering every minute how Maddison's day was going while she is away from me. And, I never thought I could make it through a single day without guilt, anger or sorrow for numbers gone wrong. 2010 has brought peace with Diabetes. Ok, maybe not peace with Diabetes, but peace with numbers!!! In 2010 I can say that a number is JUST A NUMBER!!! For the first time ever!! Man, Ive come a long way! :)

Kitty- Kitty came to live with us! Maddison fell in love. E'nuf said!

In May 2010 my Hannah promoted to HIGH SCHOOL!!! Such an exciting time! Damn it! I'll say it....Its a scary time if you ask me!!!! Ok, truthfully having my Hannah move up to high school was traumatizing for me!! But, I'm over it now. For the most part. It was a B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L thing to see the pride and happiness shine through my Hannah all summer as she anticipated High school. Priceless.

Then came Callie after we lost Diego. Maddison fell in love. Again.

Back to Hannah :) In August Hannah was recruited for the J Varsity Volleyball team at school. She rocked the court as always being a "setter" but also blew her coach away playing a newly assigned position, outside hitter. Yep. Thats my Hannah :) The Mustangs ended the season with ZERO losses, if I remember correctly! Think Scholarship baby!

Our home.....we are very fortunate to have found the home we are in now. It is perfectly re-done inside and out. Spotless clean and brand new when we moved in. (You should have seen some of those rental homes we had to consider!! GAG ME!!) Though I miss our home of 10 years dearly, I can honestly say that now we have a chance to start over. Restructure. Re prioritize life. Cut back. Get down to basics. Teach our children to truly appreciate what they have in life, instead of expecting so much.

My husband. Josh and I have always put ourselves and our own relationship lowest on the priority list. Not intentionally, but ya know..... Life is busy. We work opposite shifts. He has days off during the week when I work. We are sleep deprived and tired. We each take a kid and get them where they need to be shuttled off too during the chaotic school week. We are always so concerned with what our kids are doing, should be doing, or want to be doing that we just let our own relationship slide. Two ships passing in the night. In 2010 13 years of living our lives this way finally caught up with us. That's not a good thing. This definitely is not a bright side to 2010, but now as 2010 draws to a close our marriage is stronger than ever. We are back on track. Prioritizing US. Our relationship. Our marriage. A healthier place, a happier place. A fulfilled place.

So, this is the brighter side of 2010. Always something to cherish, no matter how wrong things have been this year. We still have our health, each other, and a few more cuddly pets to love. We still have health insurance. Insulin pumps, a roof over our heads and steady jobs. Ultimately we have stronger relationships. New priorities. New direction. 2011....I'm ready.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Wow. What a change from the last time I wore the CGM! All I see now are mountains! I eat, SPIKE. 200's and 230's!!! Then I drop in to decent numbers by the 2nd hour. Level off in the 3rd. Eat again....SPIKE!!!

I've never been a "spiker." The highest I'd hit after eating was MAYBE 150, but, of course that was also when my numbers were more in the low 100's than what they are now in the 140's. What a total bummer. I've promised to start Pre-bolusing. Especially that morning coffee that sends me to the 230's each and every time! I see Dr D next week, its time to try Apidra again!

So tell have you adjusted basals when using Apidra in the pump? Tracy? Kris? Anyone?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Good Riddance 2010

I'm pretty much done with 2010. Yep..I'd like this year to be over now, PLEASE?

I dont want to face the emotions that are coming this Christmas Season.

Last year, in late 2009 I looked ahead towards the new coming year. I swore to myself 2010 would hold bigger and better things. I had a family plan for 2010 to lessen stress, spend more time with those that mean the most to us, and meet some personal goals. Just alot of little things I was determined to improve in our lives. Yes, 2009 was a decent year. We had some struggles with Maddison and her Diabetes, (faking lows to get out of class) school stress, my Dad was sick alot, insurance issues. Not the best year. Not very productive either. Pretty uneventful actually, but decent nonetheless.

And then came December 2009.

12-12-2009, my Mom turned 59!! We celebrated the traditional way with family gathering for dinner, decorating Mom and Dads Christmas Tree, and spending the night watching Christmas movies while we decked the halls! Dad was the usual. He pretended to be Mr Bah-Humbug, although we all know he really enjoys Christmas again since his grandkids were born! Silly Dad! We could see right through you!

December will always SUCK in my mind....and here is why....

The next afternoon my Mom called. Dad needed to go to the ER. He had been vomiting for hours. Vomiting usually meant Dad had a looming infection from his Peritoneal Dialysis. Or, he was heading towards DKA.

As usual, my Mom called me back once my Dad was taken from the ER and admitted to a room upstairs. By this time it was late in the evening and Mom assured me Dad was okay. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another hospital admission for Diabetes gone crazy she said. It didnt seem Dad had an infection. No real explanation for his illness. So, I went to bed and planned on stopping at the hospital in the morning on my way to work. It was the first time I didnt rush to the hospital to sit with Mom and check in on my Dad. I felt terribly guilty.

So, the next morning my Mom called in a panic. They had finally just told her my Dads blood sugar when admitted to the ER was over 1300. In an instant I was out the door and on my way. Still no infection found. What the hell was going on?! No infection?! What is the problem then?

A heart attack. They finally determined my Dad had a "minor" heart attack, which sent his blood sugar soaring to astronomical levels. Which caused DKA.

It was all downhill from there. 2009 was officially shot to shit December of last year. Ohhh how I wish December 2009 and the entire year of 2010 could be a BIG-FAT-RE-DO!!!!!!

So, ya...2010....IM DONE!! GOOD RIDDANCE!! 2010 has been the WORST YEAR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HEARTACHE!!! BECAUSE.....Dad had a Quintuple Bypass on 12-29-2009 which meant we spent 14 hour days sitting in CCU/ICU through the NEW YEAR 2010 "helping" my Dad recover. By New years Eve Dad was impressing the hospital staff with his drive to get the hell out of that hospital. He walked when they said walk. Coughed when they said cough, and did everything he could to go home by Day 4 post surgery as planned. New Years Eve I sat with my Mom in Dads hospital room talking about how 2010 was going to be so great, because if Dad could overcome THIS then I had some serious things **I** needed to work towards for the new year. I was so proud of my Dad. Amazed at his strength. Amazed at his determination.

Then came New Years Day.

Post OP Day 4

The worst day


His Eyes

Day 10




Beginning of the END


Above I leave links to posts I wrote last year, so you can see why I despise 2010. So you can read why I am the blogger I am. So you can see how 2010 changed the person I am. So you can understand my hatred of this disease. This blog may not be the happiest most encouraging blog around, but its honest.

2010 also held alot of other heartache besides the grief of what my Father went through....

A week after Easter Maddison's new puppy drown in our pool. How do you tell your children THAT when they come home from school?

In May we recieved notice our mortgage company denied our home loan what?

In June/July Id hit rock bottom. Greiving I guess. Self destruction. I had become someone I'm not.

In July we questioned divorce and seperated.

In August our beloved Diego died, we had just found out two weeks before that he had Lymphoma.

I had Thyroid surgery the week after. For a possible cancerous mass.

In October our "perfect" home of ten years sold to auction without notice. So much for them working on a "new modification plan". We were out in 2 weeks.

Which bring us to November.....

STARTING OVER. AGAIN. It seems every year since Maddison's diagnosis we have started over for one reason or another. But right now, Im HAPPY where we are. Sure, we will be having our first Christmas in 10 years in a home that is like a stranger....but, we are starting over. We are healthy. We are together. Life is back on track. 2011 will be a new year. So, can we just FFWD past December please? Good riddance to 2010!!

4 years

4 years ago today life as we knew it changed. FOREVER. 498. One very sick little girl cried in the back seat of the car, all the way to the ER. She knew. Wise beyond her 6 years of age, she understood this meant she would have to take shots like her Mommy and her Grandpa. She sobbed, but not because of injections. Grandpa had been very sick lately. She knew Diabetes was to blame. "Am I going to die Daddy?"

12-4-2006, a Monday. I'll remember that day forever. Our simple life vanished before our eyes. Just-like-that. The next 72 hours would be spent in a crash course of how to keep my child alive. But, I had an advantage right? I was diagnosed 9 months before. I should already know all this right? Of course. Of course I did,(not really) yet words cannot explain how I felt KNOWING what really lied ahead for Maddison. KNOWING what she would feel with every high, and KNOWING how she would feel when lows became disabling. Knowing that fear was now something that Maddison would face often as a person with Diabetes. I thought I knew what lied never REALLY know though, do you?

I sat alone crying in the corner of the hospital room watching Maddison sleep. Afraid that any minute she would have a seizure from a low. I was still new enough to Diabetes that low blood sugars scared the H-E-L-L out of me. I had just spent an hour arguing with the nurses about how much Lantus to give Maddison for the first time. You see, Maddison may have come into that ER with a 498 blood sugar, but after sitting 8 hours waiting to be taken upstairs to our room, Maddison's blood sugar had dropped to 81. WITHOUT insulin. Just some good old IV fluids. (and fasting for 8 hours) Yet, the Doctors orders still said to give 3 units of Lantus. It was this very moment that I realized **I** make the decisions that give my child life, or takes it.

The Endo eventually agreed to dosing Maddison just 1/2 unit of Lantus as I suggested, but Maddison still crashed to 46 by 4am. If that 3 units of Lantus was given as originally ordered, we would have been in for some serious trouble.
12-4-2006 was also the day I learned to listen to my inner voice. To this day I trust my own intuition more than any medical advice.

That first night in the hospital was pure torture. The IV's. The finger pokes. The blood draws. I cried in silence. I Sobbed. All. Night. Long. I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. Dispare. Shock. Fear. Relief.

Relief because we had caught Maddison's diagnosis earlier than most. Relief because we were of the "lucky" ones to have been spared DKA. Thankful that it was "only Diabetes." And thankful I'd be bringing my child home after a few short days.

For the next 3 months or so my emotions ran wild. I sobbed every day while driving to work. Heck, as soon as I was left alone the tears would flow. On like a switch. All my pent up emotions came bursting out the moment I was away from watchful eyes. Some days I'd sit in the corner of my bedroom closet and just cry. Quietly. Some days I had to call in sick to work. I'd drop Maddison off at school and then park in the parking lot. FROZEN. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stand to be too far away. What if she had a bad low at school and they needed to call 9-1-1?? If I did manage to leave the parking lot I'd cry all the way home and crawl into bed. Exhausted and totally drained. With cell phone in hand....and just sleep until it was time to pick Maddison up again.

I couldn't focus. I avoided friends and family. I couldn't eat, and certainly couldn't sleep. I worried about every minute of Maddison's day. Especially while she was at school. EVERY-SINGLE-MINUTE I wondered if Maddison was safe. Somehow I managed to put on a happy face every day. For Maddison. For Hannah. My happy face became like a switch, flipped on when my kids were around.

Looking back I probably needed some serious mental help, but who's to say what normal grieving is when you lose your childs promise of health? Who is to say what normal feelings are when you are faced with injecting precise doses of insulin multiple times a day to keep your child ALIVE?

The day I began to come out of the grieving stage I will never forget. A neighbor friend mentioned how happy Maddison looked. At that moment, I swear, dark skies turned blue. HAPPY?? My body felt alive again. Hearing the word echoed in my mind. HAPPY? Maddison IS happy!? Why am **I** such a freaking mess!!?? My baby is ALIVE and healthy again! She feels GOOD! Better than she has in months!! She is smiling!! Running and playing in the sunshine!! She is loving life again! She IS HAPPY!!She sings again! She dances! She laughs!! She has energy galore!!She is herself again!!! No more grumpies from being sick. No more meltdowns. No more dark circles under her eyes. No more weight loss. No more "sick" Maddison. Just smiles and LOTS of energy.

This time I finally HEARD it, and my heart listened. Maddison was indeed HAPPY!!

I sat and watched that girl play for hours! With peaceful feelings for the first time in MONTHS. Without worry. All warm and fuzzy inside. It was that very moment that life started over again. I was finally moving past the grieving stage.

It was around this time that I realized Maddison was catching all her lows. Again, we were very lucky. We didn't have the added stress of unawareness like so many others. Time brought confidence in managing Maddison's Diabetes, but that doesn't mean that confidence brought peace with our days and nights. I was still very angry. Angry for all the finger pokes, injections, highs and lows. Angry that Diabetes was so difficult. Angry that any child had to endure all this, all day. Every day. I was angry at the world.

Six months after Maddison's diagnosis we both started the pump. Whatever was "comfortable" in managing Diabetes by then was suddenly crazy again. Starting the pump was incredibly stressful. The pump made Diabetes visible. For the first time ever Maddison hated her disease. Because others could see it. She hated the questions, the staring eyes. The whispers. My confident little girl who for months so eagerly told everyone she had Diabetes now wanted to hide from the world. Maddison wasn't proud anymore. She was tired. Tired of it all.

Somehow we made it through the pump transition and Maddison ended up deciding she didnt hate the pump so much after all. She decided to stick with it. I however, HATED that fucking insulin pump. I hated how it made Maddison feel about her disease. I too, hated seeing Diabetes visible. I was sucked more into anger and guilt than ever before....because of that damn insulin pump. But, once again, TIME helped to heal both our broken hearts. Now we wouldn't trade our insulin pump for millions :)

By the end of the first year I had passed the anger stage and had fallen into acceptance. I still had days of denying that life would always be this complicated, but for the most part I was ready to do something about it. I was ready to help other parents that faced a new diagnosis. So, I signed up to be a mentor Mom through JDRF. Then I started my blog with the idea I could help other D parents know that what they are feeling is help them know that those first months are a roller coaster ride of emotions for everyone. What ended up happening was really quite the opposite. **I** was taken in and given the support and understanding from everyone in the DOC! Funny how I set out to help others by blogging, but everyone in the DOC actually helped ME!!

WOW...if you have made it this far into this blog post I'm impressed! I cant seem to stay on track! What I really mean to say as I pour out my heart today is this...

We are 4 years in, as of today. Today I can honestly say that both Maddison and I are at a place I never felt we could actually be. We are accepting of our Disease. Acceptance is a beautiful place to be.

Definition of Acceptance---a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Acceptance may imply only a lack of outward, behavioral attempts at possible change, but the word is also used more specifically for a felt or hypothesized cognitive or emotional state.

One thing Ive learned with Diabetes is that the emotions will ALWAYS be there, and day to day your feeling may still change. I used to think we would get to this "Acceptance" stage with Diabetes and life would be less complicated as emotions settled. WOW, was I wrong. I've learned the hardest part of living with Diabetes by far, is the emotional aspects. We can take the highs and lows....the pokes and pain....but the emotional side of Diabetes is by far the most difficult. For me anyway.

4 years in. We have accepted this life, yet we still fear the future sometimes. Even Maddison. Even at the innocent age of 10. We still cry. We still want to scream at the world sometimes. We still want to crawl in bed and hide when numbers go crazy. I still cringe sometimes as sirens blare down the road towards the school. I still have days that I want to give up. We still struggle with Diabetes visible sometimes. We still HATE Diabetes. That will never change. But, acceptance is a beautiful thing. And so is my Maddison :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Looney Bin

Sometimes I think maybe I DO belong in the looney bin! Yesterday I was an emotional mess. I have MAJOR PMS issues every month besides being a person who can be easily discouraged. One icky thing in the morning can set my mood for the day. Its terrible. When PMS comes around, I turn into someone I'm not. Really.

Some PMS days (like yesterday) I just climb into bed after work and take a nap becuase I can't stand the meanie person I become. I guess sometimes that nap is just what I need to refocus and find ME again. BECAUSE.....

Today's attitude compared to yesterday is a total 360. I'm optimistic, inspired, determined, focused, READY to conquer anything that comes my way. ESPECIALLY the Diabetes monster. Last night I slapped on the CGM again instead of ignoring the fact that my numbers need alot of work. Today I'm not worried about Diabetes, or anything really....I'm confident I'll get myself back on track and the world is back to being full of color, not black and white doom and gloom. SILLY ME. Damn you PMS. Yesterday I really thought I needed to be admitted to the Looney Bin. Today? Today I see the light. :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Weeks turned into months. Im still left questioning. Worrying. Missing what used to be. I used to have it easy. For 5 years my Diabetes has been "easy" compared to most. "Easy" compared to managing Maddison's Diabetes. My A1c has been between 6.0 to 6.3 for the last 5 years!!! Without too much effort. I rarely needed to make many dosing changes, I've never had to log problem numbers. My next A1c is going to be
B-A-D. Around 8% or even 9% Im guessing!!!

I know I've said this before, but Im venting again. I used to be able to bolus and end up with blood sugars right back where I started. 99% of the time! I ranged usually around 80-110. I rarely saw numbers over 140, if I did it was an obvious carb counting error on my part. But this past year my average number has inched up from 110's to 140's. 160's to 180's. 200's. Im freaking out here people!!

280's are happening daily. 300's if I eat what I want to. Which, I am too often. I admit it. My diet is SUCKING right now. Partly because my bad attitude towards my body deciding to turn on me, (screw it why should I care?) and partly out of carelessness. (sites that dont get changed) I never had to watch every tiny carb I eat. I could eat fruit and only need half the insulin per carb count. I could eat things like nuts and cottage cheese without carbing for them. Not any longer. Every-single-carb-counts. If I were sick and my numbers rarely reflected it. I'd correct a high and end up perfectly in range the first attempt. My sensitivity was around its more like 60. CGM lines were flat lines. No spikes. TDD was around 12units. Now I'm up to 20 or so. (of course my sucky eating habits dont help my current TDD) -Sigh- Diabetes is taking me over, and its not so "easy" anymore.

Its scary. Its frustrating. Its scary. Did I mention its scary? I can see my disease becoming more "serious" every day. Like "real" Diabetes! As in, it controls ME and all I can do is try my best. I never feared for myself, because ***I WAS IN TOTAL CONTROL*** I REALLY was! I'm feeling defeated today. I've never felt like a "real" person with Diabetes.....because I've had it so "easy." Lately I'm feeling like I've been diagnosed with this disease all over again. The FEAR. "Real" Diabetes. This is for real. This is my life?

Im not liking the way my eyes are blurry when Im high. Im not liking the extra attention I need to give to my numbers. I'm not liking correcting and staying high. Im not liking feeling low at 100. Im not liking brain fog as I hang out in the 200's half the day. I'm not liking this. I'm not feeling so optimistic. I'm feeling controlled by this thing invading my body. CONTROLLED. I'm making adjustments every day and getting no where. Today I want to crawl in bed and hide.