More Foot Talk!!??

The strangest thing. Today the school Nurse gave me a permission slip that needs to be signed for Maddison to attend the "Diabetes Field Trip" of the year. First, let me say that I think its FABULOUS that our school district applies funds towards helping our "D" kids get out and meet others within our schools that are dealing with Diabetes just like them. In years past, all the "D" kids in our district would gather (3x's/yr) at one of the schools for a little "support" meeting. The kids would do activities related to Diabetes, listen to guest speakers from the ADA and such, and find fun stuff to do as a group. At the end of the school year the kids would go somewhere such as the Zoo and just have FUN. No Diabetes talk involved. Then enters budget cuts. Totally understandable. So, this year we get just this one support group "field trip." Maddison's excited just because she gets a few hours away from class.....but guess what the guest speaker will be talking about!!??

DIABETIC FOOT CARE!!

The guest speaker is a Podiatrist who specializes in Diabetic foot care! Is it just me, or is this RIDICULOUS? Seriously. Diabetic foot care for a bunch of kids ages
6-13? Really? WHY WHY WHY would anyone want to present this topic to our kids? I'm sorry, but I dont think our kids need to hear talk about Diabetic foot care. Maybe when they are young adults. Maybe if by HORRIBLE chance they are faced with Neuropathy. MAYBE. But WHY now? It isnt necessary. Its totally absurd!! These kids dont need to be lectured about their feet on top of everything else they are expected to do day in and day out!

So, I decided to ask Maddison what she thinks about this years upcoming "field trip." She told me she is going to tell the Podiatrist that she already knows all about "Diabetes feet" because of "Grandpa's Charcots Foot." -Sigh- That breaks my heart, for many reasons. Unfortunately, my Dad had every Diabetic complication by the time Maddison was a few years old, and because NEITHER Maddison nor I had Diabetes yet, I was always TOTALLY open and honest about what Grandpa was going through. I talked alot about how horrid Diabetes was back then. I had no idea what was ahead for us both....So much for trying to lessen the worry of complications! Anyway, Maddison and I talked for quite awhile until she started to giggle uncontrollably. Seems Maddison likes to tease me about my own Endo's Diabetic feet rules......she knows how bonkers I get when my Endo lectures about foot care......Need I remind you?

NO FLIP FLOPS
NO TOES RINGS
NEVER GO BAREFOOT!!!
WEAR SHOES EVEN IN THE HOUSE!
NO LOTION BETWEEN TOES
NO PEDICURES
AND INSPECT YOUR FEET EVERY DAY!

I think I can already hear Maddison giggling and poking fun on the field trip!! (Bad mom!) (He he) I was sure to let Maddison know that foot care IS very important for some people with Diabetes, and she is NOT to poke fun when she hears these same Diabetic foot care rules repeated on the field trip....Hmmmm......I hope she doesnt tell any stories while she's there....like how I mock my Endo for nagging at me about my feet even though I've only had Diabetes for 4yrs! Oh man.....I really hope Maddison isnt in a crazy mood that day. They might get an ear full if she is!

I know Diabetic foot care is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for those who need it. I would think it applies to those who already have even a tad bit of Neuropathy or those that have had Diabetes for MANY MANY years, or people with high A1'c....those with poor circulation......NOT ME at this point, and certainly not OUR KIDS!! I think this is just the WEIRDEST and most INAPPROPRIATE guest speaker they could have found. Lets hope when the field trip day comes and goes (Tuesday) I dont have anything to blog about!

The answer

Recently a coworker was questioning why I still call myself sleep deprived. After 3 years of Diabetes I should have Maddison "all figured out" right? Truth is, lately I lack the ability to even find my words. I'm stuck in the sleep deprivation haze. One night Maddison will be low. The next night she's high. I awoke several times last week trembling in a pool of sweat with my own BS under 50. Of course, highs followed my lows too. Its draining. Last week I took two days off work so I could sleep a straight 4 hours from 9am until 1pm. Sleeping in the afternoon while the kids are at school. It was my last resort. Something I had to do. Diabetes is kicking me to the curb lately, both Madison's and my own. So the answer is, even though you may figure out Diabetes today, tomorrow is a new day with entirely new rules.

Read AMY's blog about sleep deprivation. Her G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S baby girl was dx'd with T1 at the age of 9 months. I can only imagine. She also designs, makes and sells the CUTEST pump packs! Tonight Amy had the words I wish I could find when trying to explain WHY T1 parents suffer from the sleep deprivation haze........

Oh YES He DID!

I knew Maddies eye exam would lead me to total frustration and feelings of terrible guilt. Long exam cut short, Maddison's vision is fine according to all the charts. OH YES HE DID ask the questions that I knew would send my heart palpitating....


Doctor: "How is Maddison's Diabetes control?"

"Good" I said.

Doctor: "What was her last a1c?"

"6.9" I said.

Doctor: "Ahhhhhh.....wellllll......that's a little HIGH he said. They really don't want A1c's up over 7%"

OH YES, HE DID go there.

And.....my blood boils. This guy has NO idea. No idea. So, I sit quietly as he explains how Diabetes affects the eyes. All I could do was think about my Dad. Then of course my thoughts turned back to Maddison and the guilt for every single out of range number came rushing in. I KNOW we are doing a GREAT job managing Maddison's Diabetes. BUT, I didnt feel like we were as the doctor rambled on about needing to "tighten up blood sugars" to help Maddison's eyes avoid the rath of fluctuating blood sugars. I left that office feeling like a total failure, feeling like Maddison's "double vision" is all a result from high blood sugars afflicted by a mom who can't "tighten up" her daughters blood sugar control. -Sigh-

OH YES, he DID go there....and NO, I wasn't even going to explain to him about T1 and children. I just listened. Then silently cried all the way home while Maddison complained that her blurry vision is for real. Damn you Diabetes.

Blurry Eyes

Since Sunday Maddison has been complaining about blurry eyes. Last year we went through this same spell, the same time of year. I assumed it was the new swim season. Gotta love all the chlorine we pour into our pools! And then the worry set in. As a parent of a T1 child, you always think something TERRIBLE when a new ailment arises. You always think Diabetes is to blame. I was sure Maddison was having blurry vision from high blood sugars that her meter wasn't showing me. I was sure I SUCKED as her pancreas, even though her A1c showed I was doing a fine job. My rational side said there was no way Maddison could have eye problems from her Diabetes after just 3 years with good control. My paranoid and irrational side said I was all to blame. I hate Diabetes! I'm SO tired of feeling guilty!

So, last year Maddison's eye exam showed some minor near sided issues, but nothing that would require glasses. So, over time Maddison stopped complaining about her vision. Now we are right back to where we were last year at this time. Blurry eyes when she needs to read. I betcha now she does need glasses. -Sigh- At least I hope thats what it is! Maddison hasnt been running high much, although when she complained to the school nurse today about her vision her BS was 267. (Good job forgetting to bolus the milk Mom!) So, here I sit feeling like I'm ruining my childs eyes. I'm wondering if she only has this vision issue when she's running high. So, today we go get an eye exam.

Eye exam...no biggie right? Well, I KNOW what the doctor is going to ask...he's gonna ask what Maddison's A1c's are like. I will proceed to tell him her last one was 6.9 (which I still believe was WAY lower than it really was) and she hasn't been over 7.8 since diagnosis. Then he will respond with something like "Oh, thats a little high" and I will want to grab him by the neck and SCREAM all sorts of Diabetes truths at him. :) True story. Happens every time! LOL So, I'm hoping our appointment is scheduled at a time that I'm feeling like the nice young woman that I am. :) Catch me on a bad day, and he won't be so lucky!

Trying to convince myself

The other day the topic of Diabetes Summer Camp came up while talking with the school nurse. -Sigh- I continually hear how GREAT camp is, and how Maddison just HAS to go. She will. But, now is not the time. No one seems to understand WHY I say now isn't the time, and, honestly, I don't care if they think this is about MY fears. It isnt. I know Maddison isn't ready to spend 7 days away from home. Heck, after 3 days on a family vacation Maddison is ALWAYS ready to go home. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I could tell people until I'm blue in the face that Maddison isn't like the average kid. When Maddison is done, she's DONE. As in, she needs time alone. Maddison shuts down. She's easily overstimulated and doesn't tolerate loud noise for long. After birthday parties, field trips, family gatherings.....she hides out in the comfort and silence of her bedroom for hours. Just doing what SHE likes to do. Actually, Maddison rarely makes it through a gathering before she's off on her own. She's always been that way. Maddison also ends up in our bed most nights by midnight. I could go on, but, I won't. A mom knows when their child isn't ready. That should be enough for people to lay off the Diabetes Summer Camp Wagon! (not you Beth!or Kristi!)

Do I have my own fears about sending Maddison to camp for 7 days? HECK YES! I know the camp ratio is something like 1:3. Per each 3 kids the camp has one medical professional assigned. An RN, MD.....that's pretty amazing. I know the kids at camp are busy from sun up to sun down. "They don't have time to miss home." I also know the kids can have alone time if needed. I know the children are constantly monitored 24/7 by the BEST Diabetes providers out there. But, none of that matters when your child isn't ready. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not the devil Mom when I tell Maddison this year wont be the year she goes. She so desperately wants to. I feel terrible telling her no. But, her 9yr old mind cant grasp the reality of 7 days. Mom always knows best. I know my daughter best. I have no doubt in my mind that I've made the right decision. Would Maddison survive the homesickness? Of course. But there's nothing wrong with waiting another year either! So, for the last time...MADDISON IS NOT GOING TO DIABETES CAMP THIS SUMMER.

I'm also trying to convince myself that I can manage Maddison's Diabetes if she does in fact join competitive swimming this year. Each time I'm ready to sign her up, I back down. The fear that I have is overwhelming. All the what if's? Its not during the swim meets that I worry so much. Its after. Its while she's sleeping. What isnt helping my fears is the sudden and tragic deaths of TRENT and Jessie that has shaken our Diabetes community to the core. I can't help but think of them on the hard nights of Diabetes, and wonder WHY those two boys lost their lives to this disease. While they slept. There is no doubt in my mind that the parents of these boys did EVERYTHING they could to manage their child's disease to the best of their ability. 24/7/365 just as we do. All hours of the night. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this. I can figure out competitive swimming and Diabetes. I'm SO scared to take this step forward.

What if I don't catch a low in the night after a long day of competitive meets? What if Maddison has a seizure? What if she DIES? Because **I** didn't get insulin doses or snacks right that night. Its all up to ME. To manage this disease that's crazy every day. Adding in competitive swimming? I dont know. We all know how 150 on the meter could be 30 or 300 in minutes. We all know what excersize does to blood sugar. I feel like such a total loser. Why am I SO afraid of this? What if Maddison is low during a meet and nearly drowns in the pool like I've heard on CWD? I have ALWAYS said Maddison and I aren't any different than others without Diabetes. I ALWAYS say we can do ANYTHING anyone else does. WE CAN. I know we CAN. But at what cost? Mom loses her sanity? Loses more sleep in fear of swimming lows all night? I want this for Maddison SO much. I just dont know if I can do this.

I HATE that Diabetes causes me this kind of fear. I've always dreaded figuring out swimming each summer. Lows that haunt us during. Then high 4-6 hours later. The lows 8-24 hours after. Its SO not fair. All my kid wants to do is swim her little heart out. I wonder how I'll get those damn pump sites to stick without falling off every day. Protein? Gatorade? Sugar? Glucose tabs? Ice cream? How long will it take for me to figure out the balance? Swimming at 250 means you dont compete your best, while swimming at 100 can be dangerous. I'm really HATING Diabetes at this moment. Tonight my heart aches for the easy days before Diabetes. I just want Maddison to be able to swim without all this worry. I guess its actually MY worry........I'm REALLY trying to convince myself that I can do this. I can manage Diabetes and keep Maddison safe from lows during competitive swim season. I'm just not buying any of it tonight! :(

The thing I always forget

Today Maddison's numbers were a tad better, I didnt make any changes since yesterday was only day 1 of WEIRD. Still in the 200-240 range though. It helped that Maddison's ratio was right this time for the AIMS snack in the early morning hour! I made some ratio changes for tomorrow to fight off the highs...and then I remembered what I ALWAYS forget to consider...

The dang site itself!!! -Sigh- Typically we either have a bad site or a good site. Bad being not working at all, and good being, well, predictable numbers. I have seen arm sites work better than butt sites, so who knows! After using arms too often, sometimes I see a butt site work better. Who the heck knows! After adjusting ratio's for tomorrow (which is what I usually change LAST) I realized that it is site change night!! Maddison is now wearing a nice new site on her arm, instead of her butt. I can't help but wonder if I should give this new site a day before I change anything. Sheesh. All the things we have to consider! I guess either way I'll be kicking myself if we see lows or highs. If she's low I'll assume the arm site is working better than the butt site. If I still see highs...well, if I still see highs I guess I will know its not the site and I STILL have changes to make. UGH. Once AIMS is over, I'm sure Maddison will be just fine. Isnt that the way it always goes?

**HOLY MOLY!!!** Just got my answer! That new arm site is CRAZY!! Maddison went to bed an hour ago with ZERO insulin active. She was 131. I always check an hour AFTER a site change (especially when she's going to bed) and I almost choked! 49!! How can that be!!?? SHEESH! Now I might need to back track and not change anything for tomorrow......ACK! Looks like I'm too freaked out to sleep tonight!! All the what ifs are invading my mind. WHAT IF I went to sleep and set my alarm for an hour....what would she have been then!? Butt site, hip site, tummy site, arm site....WHY does it have to be THIS complicated!?

Closer every day

ARTIFICIAL PANCREAS PROJECT IS GETTING CLOSER!!!

Patterns and AIMS

Today blood sugar "patterns" are driving me BONKERS. On the weekends Maddison's numbers are typically GREAT, especially during the day. Highs are a rarity on weekends, unless something weird goes on overnight because Maddison was up later at night and/or eating crazy things. Explaining Maddies highs and lows on the weekends is simple. Its either the food or the activity level. Basal rates issues seem to be non-existent on the weekends. Weird.

The school week? Ummmmmm. PURE HELL. PURE TORTURE!! I can't tell WHAT is what!! I'm seeing that as the school week progresses, Maddison's numbers get screwy. Mondays are usually good, or low. Tuesdays are good. By Wednesday the shit starts to hit the fan, if it doesn't, then you can bet Maddisons numbers will be good the rest of the week. ITS WEIRD!! So, if by Wednesday Maddisons numbers start to go bonkers then I have to decide....wait to make changes or change before Thursday gets crazy? How the heck am I supposed to know what to do for tomorrow if tomorrow is always different!!?? Oh, and wait....Fridays Maddison typically runs MUCH lower!! Then, Saturday and Sunday come back around and she's fine again. -Sigh- I think I need a pattern in the pump for Mondays. Wednesdays. Fridays. Growth patterns. Activity patterns....how many patters can a pump hold!!??

Seriously. Today was the first day of AIMS. Its Wednesday!! Maddison was 226, 282, 334 and 218!!! ACK!!! The beginning of the week was GREAT!!Guess why the 334 mid-day? Because the kids had a snack for testing!! Maddison's pump ratio from 6am-9am is 1:13....but AFTER 9am Maddison's ratio is 1:22....Soooooooo being that Maddison ate a snack in the breakfast hours, her ratio was given at the lunch hour dose because she ate after 9am!!!! Only I would know this, because I **am** her pancreas. Had I known they would have a snack at 9am I would have given the nurse a written order to change her ratio. Its SO IRRITATING. For tomorrows AIMS snack the nurse WILL over ride the pump and give the increased insulin as needed for that time frame. Good catch MOM. :)

That snack that provided much needed nutrition and mind power for all the OTHER kids, actually SCREWED MY KID UP!!! How can you test well for AIMS when your BS is over 300!!?? I'm SO ticked. Why does Diabetes have to be so damn particular?

My numbers have decided to go whacky once again too. Last week I decreased my ratios, sensitivity, and basals. I was good for 3 days. Today is exactly the same as last week. Now I'm running high. Well, not high technically, but too high for me! (180's) I woke up one morning at 224! Thats 100pts higher than I usually do! I've corrected highs before going to bed, and have to correct several times in the night because I dont even budge. SO, apparently my body is deciding to go back to where I was. Now, I change everything back and hope for the best. Its exhausting. I'm still having a hard time admitting this is happening to ME. ME who used to be so easy to manage. I never had to change my pump settings for 2 years!! Now I'm all confused. Totally frustrating.

AIMS AIMS AIMS....you really stress me out. You make me feel pressured to find the right insulin doses NOW. But, I have to see a pattern first. Will tomorrow be the same for Maddison? Will she be too high? Or, will the snack ratio turn out ok and the rest of the day will be better? Only tomorrow will tell.

Monday

Monday was the telling day. After swimming for hours on Sunday, Maddison ran lower than I wanted through the night, (80's) as I expected. No matter what I did. What I didnt expect however, was a 50 Monday morning just an hour after breakfast. The school nurse was awesome. She treated Maddie's low with juice just as is written in her "plan." I was even more impressed when the Nurse gave Maddison 2 scoops of PB to hold her steady. I love our school nurse!

And then, the end of the day I got an email from the Nurse.

"Please be sure to give Maddison a protein with her breakfast each day. I see she had waffles for breakfast today, which explains her low this morning"

Now, picture me with my eyeballs popping out of my head. Irritated. If there is ONE THING I cannot STAND, its when the school nurse gives ME advice!! My email response was...

"Actually, Maddison has Waffles or Pancakes nearly every morning. Call us strange in our house, but on top of our Waffles and Pancakes we put Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter is a protein, and offers some healthy fats to also keep blood sugars more level. Maddison also drinks milk each morning, with a high protein chocolate powder. We have protein covered in this house, but thanks for watching out for her."

-Sigh- I just dont get why people think they can offer US advice. Its like a slap in the face. It doesnt matter if they mean well, its still a slap in the face! What I really wanted to say was...

Next Sunday when Maddison swims for many hours all day, why dont you come on by. It may seem simple to give an extra snack before bed to stop the after swimming lows that haunted me all night. It may seem simple to reduce her basal rate too. And, maybe you have something to suggest for the lows that come the day AFTER activity that I havent already tried. Did you know that after swimming routinely for a few days Maddison's entire insulin needs (basal and bolus, and correction factor!) will all change? Yes, they will. In the blink of an eye. Yes my friend, soon to come, all this swimming will actually change the way Maddison's little body metabolizes insulin.

If managing Diabetes was as easy as increasing protein, I think we'd all be just fine and dandy!

Spring Babies

Over the weekend Maddison finally got the call she's been so patiently waiting for. Mrs J called from the bird rescue where Maddison volunteers, the season is back in full swing! April is baby bird season! Baby bird season means Maddison will be back to volunteering each and every day! An abundance of baby birds need her help!

An interesting new responsibility this year......Saturday Maddison was called in to care for some baby chickens that were left over from Easter sales. Poor little things! Every year people seem to think its fun to dye and sell baby chicks for Easter. What happens when they grow up a little and aren't so cute anymore? They get dropped off at the bird rescue...or, in this case, left in a parking lot with a sign that says "FREE CHICKENS." This is where Maddison comes in. This year, she is also assigned to Chicken duty! She is totally thrilled!

As always, Maddison is also assigned to ducklings. Today after school Maddison got to care for the first 10 of the season.


Speaking of Spring babies....April is also kitten season. Last week while visiting a local Kitty rescue, I was able to get Maddison signed up for volunteering!! YAY! Maddison will be super busy doing what she loves most this Spring, lending a helping hand! And, of course....one special kitten is a keeper. Meet "Racer"......

Its here

Swimming season is HERE, and I cringe. At least until I get THIS year figured out. Yesterday Maddison had her first full day of swimming in the pool. Swimming seems to equal lows, no matter what I do. Decrease basals. Give extra carbs. Maddison is bound to go low those first few times until I get swimming figured out. It sucks.

Tonight Maddison has been swimming late with her neighborhood buddies. Swimming till 7pm then sleeping shortly afterward isnt a good match. If Maddison goes low in the night, she will not wake up. Its up to me to keep her safe. Checking Maddison in at 97 before bed with .2 active + an hour of swimming time tonight makes for a very long night for me. -Sigh- What will this swim season hold?

15c of juice followed by some PB crackers. Extra PB for staying power. I can only hope this does the trick. Recheck in about a half an hour. So, what if she's still low? Double that? Decrease basals? What happens when she hits the 300's after midnight because she wouldn't come up from the low in those first few sleeping hours? Do I dare correct the high in full knowing her sensitivity to insulin after vigorous swimming is dramatically decreased? What to do? I LOVE summer. I LOVE swim season. But, its not to say that alot of mind power and sleepless nights are ahead. -Sigh- Damn Diabetes!

17 days

I've lost count, but I do believe my CGM sensor made it to 17 days before it went whacky! I've been thrilled with the accuracy, for the most part. Not sure if I'm going to insert another one tomorrow....I must say, it gets a bit annoying when I realize I glance down at my number every two minutes. Thats a few too many numbers for me!

The CGM has helped me to cath MANY MANY lows, thanks to the down arrows. I also learned that my BS now turns around more quickly, unlike before SPIKEY SPIKEY numbers entered my life. It used to be that I was s-l-o-w to come up from lows, but with the CGM on, I've been able to see how quickly lows turn in the other direction with very little carbs. (like 6-8 compared to the old days of 15-20)

Would I wear this CGM every day for life? Probably not. Why? I dont know.....I think I feel too robotic with yet another device attached. Yes, the Minilink is by far the smallest sensor site out there, but still.....I like not having Diabetes visable. Another site = something else for ME to see, and another site I dont want others to see.

17 days is pretty darn good. I'm very pleased. I've learned alot. I see that 10minutes into my cardio routine my BS heads south. I've learned to down some Gatorade at that time BEFORE I get too low. That information itself is priceless. I've learned that I spike 40 minutes after my morning coffee. Therefore, I know to pre-bolus by AT LEAST 20 minutes. I'd like to say that I always do, it surely keeps me feeling better when I avoid that spike....but hey, I'm human. Once my eyes open each morning COFFEE is all I can think! Sometimes I dont want to wait 20 minutes! I've also learned that 8hrs after my morning workout is when I REALLY start to go low no matter what I do. ZIP, ZAP....I made the needed basal changes just like that. And overnight? Two nights of surfing back through the CGM 24hr screen showed me EXACTLY where I need more insulin at night. DONE!!! And the Dawn Phenomenon? DONE! TAKEN CARE OF. Flat lines my friends! FLAT LINES! Ok, I LOVE YOU CGM!!!

New Mom

There's a new Mom in blogging land. She isnt new to Diabetes, but, she has found this new path of support, hope and cherished cyber friendships. Connie has 2 TINY ones, ages 3 and almost 2 with T1....dx'd just a year apart. That alone, well, what can you say. There just aren't words. Welcome Connie!

After the drama

With last weeks SPIKEY SPIKEY drama behind me, I can now say that I'm not feeling so freaked out anymore with my whacked out numbers. I was feeling a bit dramatic during those moments of blood sugar craziness! It seems every time I'm put in a position where Diabetes takes back the control, I lose it a little. Really. I freak myself out imagining that I will never get back to a "stable" ground. I'm used to being the one in control. Really.

Flat lines are back for the most part. Longer pre-boluses and some changed basal rates have helped ALOT. I'm on day 13 of this same CGM sensor, and its really working some magic as far as showing me trends. LOVING IT. Of course with every high spell comes the low spells until you get back to balanced. I chased lows all day on Saturday and for literally 6 straight hours yesterday on Easter. Better lows than highs for me! This sensor is very accurate when following lows, not so much for highs. The lower I am, the more accurate the sensor reads, and its opposite for highs. The higher I am, the less accurate it reads. Weird. Oh well. Good bye to the high drama for now!

Easter

Coloring Easter eggs last night was sad for me, because Hannah wasn't here. She went to the movies with her girls....being 13, of course she wasn't interested in coloring eggs, she wanted to spend time with her friends. I understand that, but it still makes me sad! I want to bring back my little Hannah with piggy tails!

All was good, Maddison and I had fun coloring eggs anyway. This morning made up for missing Hannah last night though. Hannah, Maddison and I spent some great time together in the kitchen preparing our dinner Easter yummies. Us girls prepped, cooked and baked together for a couple of hours with music playing (at a teen volume!) and had some great fun with laughter and lots of warm fuzzy feelings :) I still miss my Hannah with piggy tails though! I kept thinking today how I still wanted to dress her up in a fancy Easter dress like when she was little, LOL.

As expected, today was a very emotional day being a holiday (the first) without my Dad. When my Mom got here I could tell she had been crying. I already had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes seeing her walk in the door all alone, so as soon as our eyes met we cried. My mom cried alot. I cried alot. It felt very strange. Such a void. Such sadness. Emptiness. We both knew exactly how each other felt at that moment without saying a thing. My heart aches for my Mom today. I just couldn't believe that for the first time ever my Mom came to Easter by herself. Without my Dad. I just felt so wrong. The whole day was incredibly lonely. Quiet. Sad.

On a better note, the weather was G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S!!!! PERFECT! We had a ton of fun watching baby niece Sammi on her first really fun Easter. She hunted for Easter eggs with Maddison. It made me miss my little Hannah again! I was just emotional today I guess, and having been low for the last 2 days continually I'm already a bit run down anyway! Despite the emptiness in our hearts today, it was a great Easter surrounded by the love of family.

Perfectly Said

Read THIS blog from a fellow D Mom blogger. Perfectly said if you ask me!

Spike, Crash, Spike CRASH

I've had it with Diabetes today. The CGM is showing me nothing but MOUNTAINS. Spikes and drops. Nothing stable. I'm either flying high or crashing to the ground. What the heck is going on? I'm so done, I can't even explain how your body feels going through this crazy roller coaster ride. Drained. I guess the right word is drained. Exhausted. Tired. Something like that. I'm pretty pissed off too. Both at Diabetes and everything around me. Thats what wild numbers will do! I feel the highs mostly in my head. Confused. Slow. Headaches. I just can't think straight. My eyes are burning. I feel the lows like I'm falling from a tall building. Imagine whats really happening to my body with these spikes and crashes. ICK. This is crazy!!

See those lines on the CGM? Once upon a time, they used to be flat for me. Stable. So much so, that I thought the CGM wasn't working for me. Finger pokes verified I really did remain that stable, even right after eating. I was SO lucky. The last two days have been HELL with my numbers. I haven't changed ANYTHING. I still eat the same foods. I still have the same basals and ratios. I dont know if I'm getting sick, or if I feel sick from the spikes and drops. Right now I want to give up and crawl in bed. I dont want to deal with this invading my day. I kid you not, the CGM shows nothing but rolling hills. Mountains really. Spiking 100pts or more. Dropping within 30 minutes. ALL DAY. I'm done with eating today, I'm skipping dinner. I'm not eating tomorrow either. I decided I will have to starve myself to see whats happening. (yeah right!) I dont want to deal with this anymore.






See the 88 with two down arrows? OUCH. I had just peaked over 200 and then CRASHED within 30 minutes. No wonder I feel like crap lately. For weeks. I had NO IDEA. I wonder when this started? I wonder how to stop it? I started a pre-bolus yesterday, nothing changed. How do you slowly make changes when you feel like hell and just want this to stop? Not only is this effecting my physical feelings, its effecting ME. I'm angry. I'm worried. What if this is how my Diabetes is going to be from now on? What if I cant figure it out? What if genetically speaking I'm screwed? I used to be pretty damn confident managing this disease. Suddenly, I'm freaked out.

I feel like my body is deceiving me. I've been working out and eating much better....and this is what I get? I hardly even eat carbs! If I do, they come from fruits! I used to not even have to bolus for fruit! Everything I eat is very low glycemic. So why am I spiking like this!?? If this continues, I might just need to find a place in the looney bin.