Wednesday, April 20, 2011

9 weeks

Ive been in hiding. Worn down. Tired. Brain fried. Frustrated. Tired. Lazy. Avoiding. Nothing to blog. Tired. Did I say tired?

It has taken 9 weeks for me to gain stability and predictability once again for Maddie's numbers. 9 frickin weeks! What was a tiny 4.55u of basal a day is now 7.00 units, a HUGE increase for an ISF of 250. Well, her ISF was around 250. Now its more like 180'ish.

A morning ratio of 1:13 is now 1:11....and the remainder of the day went from 1:28 to 1:15'ish. Thats quite the changes! For the first time in 9 weeks I felt "safe" enough to pass up the 3am check last night, and I got to sleep for a straight 5 hours!!! Numbers were perfectly stable. :) Can you say HALLELUJAH!!?? Victory, ohhhh sweet victory!!! SANITY!!!!

Maddison's meals have also doubled in size, she is hungry all the time! Its good to see her actually eat......which means her total daily insulin dose has pretty much double to tripled! Hooray for my growing girl! Now if I can just keep Summer Camp from coming, Im pretty sure I'll stay sane for awhile :)

Me? Ummm.....I'm still NOT waking up early to work out! I know I have promised. I know I have nagged at myself until I cry. But I just havent!! Who cares that Ive gained 8lbs? When the alarm clock sounds each morning I just want that extra hour of sleep!! My waistline is showing it. The way I feel about myself is showing it, and my blood sugars could be so much better. But for now, I still dont have the motivation. Sleep is my best friend, leaving me ashamed and feeling guilty. So why not eat some chocolate right? UGH. I hate this. This is the longest (over 1yr) that I have ever gone without daily workouts! I feel like a pudgy, mushy, round ball of blah! Yet that extra hour of sleep in the morning feels better? Thats ridiculous!

So, I finally saw the Specialist for pelvic surgery last week. I have had to wait 7 weeks for this appointment!! The good news is, they use "advanced robotics" for all of their surgeries. An exploratory Lapraotomy isnt likely to be necessary. Of course, anything is still possible and we wont know the extent of my Endometriosis or the severity of my Ovarian "Endometriomas" until they go in....So now its my decision...

Option #1 is to go in for a simple out patient "clean out" Lapraoscopy (for the 4th time) at around $1500 just hoping it alleviates my girly pains, but that doesnt do anything for my enlarged Uterus (suspected Polyps)... or Option #2... remove just the Cervix and Uterus which means no HRT.....OR, Option #3 say screw it and opt for a total Hysterectomy which will be 90% likely to alleviate Endometriosis issues, AND get rid of these dang ovaries that do nothing but produce masses and cysts that like to twist and rupture. UGH. How the hell do I know what is the right decision!!??

But HRT? At the age of 34? With Diabetes? A 4 day hospital stay with no paid time off from work?

Oh, and I estimate our cost of surgery to be around $6,000 after Pathology, Labs, a minimum of 4 days in the hospital, Deductibles, Physician fees and all that BS!!

-Sigh- First step in my decision process is speaking with My Endo about HRT and Diabetes. I meet with her next week. (oh, and my A1c is back up to 6.7!!) AHHHHH!!!! Can you say comfort eating? My second step is a consultation with an "HRT Specialist." At this point I want to do nothing and just crawl back in bed pretending its all ok. But, its time to make a major decision here.....thank GOD Maddison's Diabetes is back "under control" or I might have just put this off for months!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The "P" Word

Days 2 and 3 after I drastically increased Maddison's morning insulin doses turned out very well! 190's instead of 280's :) I'm still, to this day, always fearful that I'll inflict crazy lows when making Maddie's basal adjustments. It takes all I have not to call the school nurse and check on her! I'm finally going to say it, and admit that perhaps the time is more hiding from this looming reality..........................................

"Puberty" must be nearing, and I might just be getting over this fear of drastic insulin changes all too soon!!!! (and no, I dont mean menstrual periods) Watch out, cuz here comes the never ending task of pouring insulin into my T1 child like it is water!! "Liquid Gold" as my Beth would say! Puberty seems likely to be inflicting some crazy hormone resistance for Maddie these days, and I'm a bit freaked out. Really, I am.

Yes, I said it! The "P" word. I am beginning to acknowledge it might actually happen!! I still can't BELIEVE Maddison is going to be 11 soon. ELEVEN. ELEVEN!!! ELEVEN!!! She has grown 2 inches in just a few short months, and for anyone that knows Maddison's "short stature" growing two inches is HUGE!!! Training bras, deodorant, rolling eyes, constant hunger...and worst of all......this Momma isnt seen in Maddie's eyes as a Queen of all answers anymore! NO sir, lately Maddison thinks I dont know anything!!! -SIGH- Definetly some changes going on here.

Triple basal doses by the hour. Maddie rang in at the 190 range the first few days, but as usual, by day 3 after the increases Maddison creeped back up to the 280's for after breakfast. DAMN it. Weird how she follows this pattern time and time again with every growth spurt. Changes are good for about 3 days then need to be increased again!! So up, up, up insulin doses go. Not only in the A.M anymore, but EVERYWHERE. 9pm, Midnight, 2am and 4am. Up, up, up!! Can you say Starbucks double shot Espresso?

We have the Minilink CGM. If Maddison would agree to putting it on, I know I could see the "whole picture" right before my eyes. It would help TREMENDOUSLY with overnight basal changes especially, and help me get some much needed sleep rather than waking to check for highs every hour or two. But Maddie is 10. She doesnt want another device attached, and I entirely understand. Exactly why Im not wearing it myself. Where is that integrated CGM anyway!!??

I dont like the "P" word. In fact, right now I still kinda refuse to acknowledge it exists. For Hannah fine...but Maddie? My youngest? Nope...she is supposed to stay "little" forever. Puberty is hard enough without Diabetes. Diabetes is hard enough without puberty!! Lord help us. There is no turning back now!