Our own worst critics

Today I've learned that I really just dont give myself enough credit. My A1c came back at 6.9% when I was SURE it would be darn smack in the middle of the 8's (based on my own crazy logic)if not higher. But no, as usual...my A1c was nowhere near what I expected. THANK GOODNESS!!

This morning Maddison and I both had Endo appointments, our last appointments were back in February!! 8 months ago!! I thought I was really gonna hear it. I thought our Endo would be totally disappointed in me....but all I heard was how great we are doing. Whaattt? We are? I feel like we are a mess!! Sometimes I guess we really are our own worst critics!!

My blood sugars during the day have been great, but Ive gotten super lazy and careless with carb counting and eating too much junk by the evening hours. This really IS an easy fix ....stop eating JUNK!! Im pretty ticked off at my new bad habit, but I like to blame my increased dose of bio-identical hormones for making me food crazy some days. Tired? Stressed? Bored? Whatever the real underlying reason (reasons!) are, it has caused me to gain 5lbs which is even more ICK since Ive recently turned 35!! I need to get back into shape cuz I aint gettin any younger!!

Tomorrow is a new day! One step at a time I will kick this terrible eating habit to the curb and hopefully have my A1c greatly improved just based on breaking this bad habit alone. I know I CAN do it, I just have to put forth the effort and walk away from the cupcake!! Measure what Im eating....give SOME effort!! Im sure it would also help if I started working out more, cuz who wants to eat junk after you worked your butt off in the gym? The good news is that with the cooler weather Im ALWAYS wanting to be outside so I can already say Im on the road to doing better anyway. Now if we can just make it past the holidays and all the dang FOOD!! Its kinda funny how Im suddenly feeling the motivation to do better with my eating habits since my A1c just told me I'm not such a mess afterall....weird how that happens.

Maddison? Well, Maddison has grown 3 inches since her last Endo appointment!! THREE INCHES!! Her A1c was GREAT, especially considering the pre-teen craziness we are learning to manage. This pre-teen D life can surely be alot more work than when she was little! So, Maddison has the ok to just see the Endo once a year (unless I feel the need to schedule of course) but strangely enough I need to be back in just 3 months thanks to my current hormonal chaos that always seems to need tending to. YUCK.

Our 6th JDRF walk is next weekend. WOW how time has flown!! The little girl I used to worry about every second of every single day is now a pre-teen with 6 years of Diabetes under her belt. She is crazy healthy, growing like a weed, and super responsible with caring for her Diabetes. Now lets just hope and believe it will all stay this way for awhile!

***Blog edit***

I finally got to review the paperwork I brought home from the Endo's office today, and what I see is quite interesting...

My finger poke A1c in the office today was indeed 6.9% but the lab draw from 11 days ago shows shows a 7.5%!!!!!!!!!!! Now thats a HUGE difference! I know the last week or two before the A1c can reflect the most in the result (especially if having lots of highs or lows) but the results still don't make sense based on my meter readings. Oh well! It is what it is, but it drives me crazy when the finger poke A1c and lab draw are so far off!

The little things

For me, its the "little" things about Diabetes that add up to a tremendous melt down of my heart sometimes.

Last night I walked into Maddison's room without knocking, my bad. I was surprised to find that I startled her. I found that Maddi had just been secretly eating a "Fun dip" candy that she normally keeps stashed in her backpack for emergencies. -Sigh-

I just wanted to cry, right then and there.

So many reasons why!!!

I hated to see Maddison sneak candy...although I know it isnt unusual for a D kid to do so, and, we have been here before.

I hated to say anything to Madi about it, when I already know that she knows better... and I hated to think she would feel ashamed of herself.

Fuck this stupid disease.

Thats about all I could think at that moment!!!

Maddison told me right away that she had already planned to bolus for it.

All I could say was, "Well thats good, thats all I ask, but next time can't you just ask or at least check your blood sugar FIRST"?

She just looked at me totally ashamed. Exactly what I didnt want! D momma failure RIGHT HERE!!!

Of course I know WHY she didnt just ask to eat the candy. It was 9pm, we dont typically eat after 8pm in our house, and certainly not sweets. I dont usually allow "straight sugar" candy EVER, except for lows of course, or once in awhile if we are at a party or something. And, of course...she is a kid! Sometimes you just pretend you dont have Diabetes!!

Damn it.

I quickly had Madi check her number...378. WTF? Was it miscounted pizza from dinner? Was there still sugar on her hands?

Nope. Recheck verified the shitty number.

Madi corrected, and bolused 12c for the candy. The worst possible time to sneak straight sugar for sure, but I didnt say ANYTHING and I acted like it wasnt a big deal. (once isnt anyway is it!?)

I just wanted to run from her room as quick as I could. I wanted to spare her anymore talk about it, and just leave it at that. Im pretty sure thats the best way to handle these situations, right?

I climbed in bed with my eyes full of tears. Its so hard to know how to handle these situations!! I always feel like no matter what I do or say I'm wrong and ruining Madi for life! Whats even harder, is knowing and imagining how Madi feels about it.

And so, as I mentioned all this to the husband, my saddness and frustration started to brew inside.

Which also meant I wanted to vent.

So I did.

First the sadness poured out. The husband was great assuring me I handled it right.

But then my mental exhaustion kicked in....the anger, bitterness....FEAR.

I asked the husband WHY he leaves me 100% alone with Diabetes at night. WHY!!??

I have been asking Josh over and over (off and on) for the last 6 years to PLEASE IF ANYTHING just check on Maddison before he leaves for work at night. (Between 11pm and 2am) I just want him to back me up in case I have missed something with Madi. Even just wake me up if you have too!!

Maybe we forgot to check her sugar before bed. Maybe she was lowish and I set an alarm to re-check her number but slept through it. Maybe I missed my Midnight alarm. Maybe I forgot to set the alarm. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!! All I want is him to QUICK glance at her meter and see what her last number was!!! I want to know that he sees her last blood sugar before leaving for work, and I want to know he will act accordingly IF needed....thats ALL I ask!! Wake me up to take over if needed, but good god just look at the last number in her damn meter!!! It only takes a second!!!

He says he is always running late for work and thats why he never checks on Madi. Thats fucking ridiculous! Then he says (as if its wrong for me to ask) that he will have to wake up "early" to do so.

Im sorry...but....

I dont fucking understand!!???

There is no excuse. NONE. This is his child (that could DIE in her sleep) and all I ask is that he take 20 seconds to glance at her last number recorded in her meter to make SURE I havent missed anything. THATS ALL I ASK!!! DONT WALK OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE WITHOUT MAKING SURE YOUR CHILD IS SAFE from Diabetes!!!

WHY is that too much to ask!!??

I have checked blood sugars all night every night since 2006. Sometimes I have to set alarms for an hour after I go to bed. Sometimes I cant/wont go to bed in fear I wont wake up to an alarm. Sometimes Im up chasing numbers every hour, every two hours....I just want SOMEONE to back me up!!

These "little" (not so little things) drive me crazy. They hurt my heart. My soul. I will never understand some things...and THIS is one of them.

*Disclaimer* My husband is great. My husband is an amazing Father. He just fails to give a shit in the middle of the night. I guess he really thinks I have it all under control. -Sigh-

"Dont Forget"

Its 10pm.

Maddi's blood sugar is 83 with .375 insulin still active from dinner.

She pops 8c of a protein bar in her mouth, exhausted. She lies down on her pillow closing her eyes, anxiously waiting to re-check her number in about 20 minutes or so.

She should be sleeping, not worrying about blood sugars.

"DONT FORGET to recheck me in about 20 minutes if Im asleep!" Maddi says...

Oh sweet Maddi.

I only wish I could "forget" about numbers at night. I only wish we could....

But we cant.

You can, and you should! Ive got this Maddi....


It hurts my heart that you worry before drifting off to sleep.

Can you imagine if Diabetes slept? Can you imagine how "easy" Diabetes would be if we didnt have to watch over crazy blood sugars through the night?

Can you imagine knowing that your child is healthier because all we have to manage is daytime numbers? A nice long streak of Diabetes SLEEPING when our child sleeps at night?

We can dream cant we?

The 6th grade transition this year has been tough, though Maddi won't admit it. I can see it in her tired eyes. She wants to nap every day after school. Homework. Studying. More homework. Projects. Peers....Diabetes.

Maddi's back to school blood sugars the first two weeks were great. Then came the highs I expected. Increase, increase, increase. Better. Increase, increase, increase.

We are now FINALLY seeing relief of continual too high out of range numbers, so Madi now feels low in the 90's. She is grumpy and feeling icky lately because of it.

Gaining back "control" of numbers means you will likely start to experience some lows. Which we have...so you back off a tad until you find the magic dose....We are almost there!!

For now.

Maddison has been doing an amazing job managing numbers on her own while at school, but she mentioned to me the other day that she wishes she didnt have to do this. She doesnt wanna do this Diabetes thing anymore, she said she is tired. I cant help but wonder if this is the tween/teen years talking. Diabetes is so hard for kids, but even harder for kids Maddi's age it seems.

My Maddi, who never complains about her Diabetes, mentioned she is tired of it all.

So am I Maddi, so am I.

Free

I believe in miracles.

I believed to the bottom of my heart and soul that the Schuhmacher family would beat the odds.

I have hoped and prayed with every ounce of my being for the last 6 months that this remarkable family be blessed with a miracle.

They simply had to!!!

Meri is an online "D" Mom, Dad is Ryan, and together they have been raising 4 amazing boys....3 of the Schuhmacher boys have Type 1 Diabetes. This in itself is remarkable!!

Meri has been the pillar of strength in the DOC (Diabetes online community) as long as I can remember. I have spent endless hours reading Meri's blogs over the years, and what has always struck me the most about Meri and Ryan is their outlook and perspective of living this crazy D life. (x's3!!)Meri has often guided me back to the right mental and spiritual path when I thought I'd likely lose my mind....

Back in February with a broken, heavy heart Meri and her dear Husband Ryan announced that he was facing reoccouring Metastatic Melanoma. In short, they needed a miracle.

I prayed endlessly.....

We ALL prayed endlessly.

All around the world, members of the Diabetes Online Community (and beyond!) worked together to comfort and support Meri and Ryan during a time that is/was simply devastating. This GIVE FORWARD page was established by caring friends and family of the Schumacher's to help provide financial assistance for the family while Ryan awaited his miracle...

But on September 2nd, Ryan Schuhmacher passed away. Sudden, and totally unexpected.

As Meri said, Ryan has received the miracle of being set free.

Set free from the physical pain and despair of fighting this terrible disease.

No more pain. No more suffering. Just FREE.

Please visit the Schuhmacher giving page to lend a helping hand to a family when they need support the most.

Thank you!!!

Day 3 of 3 and No Words

Today is day 3 of watching Maddi's numbers closely, the day I would be making adjustments *IF* she were still running crazy high. But she isnt. -SIGH-

Today is a different day, not the same as the pattern I've seen over the last 2 days. Well, actually its been about a week since numbers have been behaving...but like always, throw in a decent day here and there and you cant really follow the 3 day "time to make changes" rule now can you?

Maddi called me from school this morning just 2 hours after breakfast. 1.65units still working with a 94 blood sugar. She said she is sure she is dropping fast. UGH. As much as I REALLY wanted to tell her to take just 8c of quick sugar, I also had a nagging image in my mind of her going VERY low like she said she feels is about to happen. So, I had her double it up to 16c and asked her to recheck in 15. I never heard back from her.

I did ask her to call me back with her new number, but, she is at school. She is busy. She is between classes....I know she will do what she's gotta do based on the next finger poke....but my brain just doesnt stop the what if's.

What if she dropped REALLY low and hasnt called me back because the Nurse is dealing with Glucagon and calling the Paramedics?

What if she went back to class without re-checking? What if she sits pale, quiet and unable to help herself get more sugar without anyone noticing?

What if she is wandering around campus confused?

What if she only needed to "bump up" her number with 8c and now she is sitting too high until lunch? I'll be SO pissed if I made the wrong decision!

Day 3, the day I was sure I'd be increasing insulin across the board. Today is the same as yesterday. Same breakfast. Same activity level...but Diabetes doesnt care.
For whatever reason, today is different than the last 3 days. This is exactly why sometimes it takes SO LONG to get numbers "under control."

Damn Diabetes. Frustrated. Irritated....TIRED. Constant. Constant. Constant.

On another note, we moved last week! Packing, lifting, unpacking, cleaning, cleaning, and MORE cleaning! Zooming around non-stop in the AZ heat....I dont think I saw a blood sugar over 90 for an entire week!! 30's, 40's and 50's were haunting me, even despite my reduced basal rate, no bolus for food consumed and drinking G2 continually. My whole body still aches!! Some nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I feared not waking up. Even worse, I missed several of Maddison's night checks out of shear exhaustion and not hearing my alarm. As I rushed into Maddison's room those mornings, I was pleading in my mind "please be ok" over and over as my heart pounded in fear of finding her low, sick from being in DKA, or finding her dead in bed.

No words can really describe how you feel in those moments as you rush into your childs room knowing you missed a blood sugar check!!

FINDING her SAFE and ALIVE is all that mattered. I would spend the day SO angry at myself for missing her night check, yet so grateful she was ok.

Day 3 of 3 today, not sure what tomorrow brings. And then, the Blue Candles appear on Facebook this morning. Blue candles represent a life taken too soon from Diabetes.

This time, a seven year old boy who has been living with Diabetes since the age of 2. My heart aches for this family. Tears fill my eyes, a lump in my throat, and again, my heart is pounding. There are just no words.

This could have been us. This could BE us.

There are just no words.

Only silence....

Alone

Maddison started 6th grade yesterday, which at our school means she now has a home room and 3 different teachers. YIKES. Big responsiblity, alot of change, and with this also comes my decision to FINALLY have Maddison managing her Diabetes within the classroom. No more going to the school Nurse, unless troubleshooting is needed.

My heart is suddenly very, very sad.

Sad that Maddison has the extra responsibilty of such a major disease, especially now when so many added responsibilities are emerging.

12 is such a hard age. Socially, emotionally....and then there is Diabetes.

I'm sad that Maddison may feel "different" while surrounded by the watchful eyes of her peers with every finger poke and BEEP from the meter or insulin pump within the classroom.

Sad that the time has come to turn Diabetes over to her, leaving her "alone" with this stupid disease.

Long overdue? Perhaps. Its so hard to let go, especially letting go of Diabetes.

Letting go all depends on the child, and Mom knowing when the time is right. Diabetes is something that you never want to hand over, while at the same time preparing for it has been in the works for years. Suddenly one day you realize its time to step back, and all you are left with is hope that Diabetes will be tended to the way it was within your own care. Its an overwhelming responsibility sometimes.

This is a huge milestone. This is very different from all the years Maddison has been managing her Diabetes under a watchful eye. This is Maddison OWNING it ALL DAY LONG. Owning it.

My heart feels alone FOR her.

Its time for my little birdie to fly. Bittersweet, and heart breaking all at the same time.

Avoiding

I have purposely been avoiding the Endocrinologist. For Maddison its been nearly 6 months since her last appointment, and I havent had one for almost a year!! There, I said it!! Now I feel less guilty for some reason :)

Why on earth would I avoid our FABULOUS Endo? Well, because hearing our A1c does nothing but make me question my efforts and abilities to tame this beast. Im never "happy" with the number. (even when my own A1c was 6.5% for over 2 years I still wanted it back down to 6.2%!!!) I always think that our A1c's are either too high, or too low....so, for now Im deciding to schedule appointments less often. Im stepping back from the "report card" because I honestly don't need (another) number making me feel like Im never good enough. (Im already hard enough on myself!!) For now Im choosing to let Diabetes be a more of a "nothing" in our life, instead of an "everything." Im choosing to stop worrying about that ONE number, and will instead keep focus on ALL the numbers and what I need to adjust to fix them. Does this even make sense?

Did Maddison's last A1c reflect that my efforts in managing Diabetes had been lacking? No, not at all. Maddi's A1c was simply a reflection of insulin needs increasing all over the place, and me not being able to keep up, while also trying to keep her safe from lows. I know that in my mind, but somehow that stupid A1c makes us crazy anyway.

I should mention that Maddison's last A1c was her highest EVER (still in the "recommended" range) so perhaps that has alot to do with my mindset of avoiding appointments for my mental health.....but you see, the problem with an A1c is that it doesnt necessarily reflect effort or knowledge. Seeing an A1c result also isn't going to change ANYTHING I'm doing, because Im constantly TRYING to micromanage numbers anyway. It seems by the time we are in for the appointment Ive already made the "suggested" insulin dose changes anyway, so I end up being irritated that they "suggest" anything because at that point Im just waiting to see results!

Truth is, an A1c is only going to make me FEEL like a failure. I dont need to feel that way and I dont need to hear the A1c result to know what needs to be done. I can see it in the numbers every single day! Sometimes I think this whole micro-managing thing is just too much, in SO many different ways.

Maddison may have recently had her highest A1c's ever, but I still logged EVERYTHING daily. I still woke up chasing numbers every 1-3 hours overnight most nights, and we still checked blood sugars every 2-3 hours during the day. I still made changes to insulin dosing as often as I safely could, yet she still had the highest numbers EVER. What more could I have done? That stupid A1c hurt my heart.

Because it wasnt reflective of how I THOUGHT we were doing.

Because it wasnt reflective of the overwhelming amount of time I spent looking over logs and making changes.

Because it wasnt reflective of anything I wasn't already adjusting every chance I could!!

So, Im stepping back. Do you REALLY need an Endo appt every 3 months? Do you REALLY need an A1c drawn that often? What does that result change if your efforts and knowledge arent changing? Exactly.... NOTHING. For me it changes nothing but how I feel about myself and this disease. Im avoiding the A1c's for awhile from here on out, but dont let that confuse you, Im still putting every same bit of effort into managing this damned disease!

My A1c? Well, thats another story. Ive been lazy with my carb counting that used to be "perfected" with each morsel consumed, and Ive been lazy with eating too much crap. Ive been lazy without workouts (does walking the dogs count?) and Ive been lazy without making basal changes where Im pretty sure they should be made. Why? Because sometimes we get lazy, and sometimes doing "good enough" is all that you have to give. -Sigh-

Two higher A1c's than I want, both for very different reasons. Over the years Ive learned its not as much about the number, as it is about your honest effort and mental health. So for now, Im avoiding that silly A1c check for both of us, because to me, it really is more harm than good!

It shouldn't be

It shouldn't be that I have to wake my sleeping child before I go to work in the Summer... in fear that she may go low and wont wake up, EVER AGAIN. But Diabetes says I have to.

It shouldn't be that when she is sick and I'm at work I have to tell her no naps. But Diabetes says I have to.

Sure, I could call home in an hour or two and have her check her blood sugar....but what if she didnt wake up to the phone ringing? What if by then it was already too late?

Outsiders who dont live this life may think this sounds like Im over protective. Like I worry too much....but its our reality living with Diabetes.

It shouldn't be that a normal head cold inflicts life threatening ketones and wildly swinging blood sugars, but it does.

Today Im angry for many reasons not even closely related to this stupid disease....but somehow today Diabetes is about to push me over the edge.

Maddison just called me at work asking if she could go back to sleep for awhile...she has been sick for over a week with a nasty cold and as of yesterday has an ear infection. She feels like shit. If she didnt have any IOB I would without hesitation tell her to sleep as much as she needs....but to complicate things she JUST ate breakfast (which I carb counted and told her to bolus by phone) so now she has over 4 units of insulin active from her "guesstimated" carb count by phone which includes a correction for a 400 blood sugar that has haunted us all night.

FUCK YOU DIABETES.

Sometimes sleep isnt safe. That time would be now, because Im not home to stand watch over my child.

This could go either way. She could crash from the correction or she could crash from a wrong carb count. She could crash just because sometimes you do, or she could crash because basals arent set around naps.

Or, she could be perfectly fine.

Is a nap something you chance when there is no adult home to stand watch?

Today it is. It has to be. You cant always be there. Living life by chances is what we do. Im literally taking a chance on my child life by allowing her nap with Diabetes while I am away. That hurts my heart in SO many ways. Maddison needs her sleep right now, and no child should be told they cant sleep when they are sick. So, in comes the big Sister.

My sweet Hannah, I had to wake her up to let her know I will be calling back to have her check Maddisons blood sugar in 2 hours. I had to remind her that if Maddison kicks around and makes noises in her sleep she might be low. I had to remind her that just because her blood sugar was 400 all night, doesnt mean it wont come crashing down unexpectedly. I had to remind her that I appreciate her standing in to keep Maddison safe while she naps, and I had to remind her this isn't an option....its a must.

A simple nap, is so much more for our kids with Diabetes.

It just shouldn't be.

"Please Come Take Me Home"

Last week Maddison finally returned home from 7 days away at Diabetes camp. I couldn’t wait to see her smiling face and listen to all her camp stories! My half empty heart felt complete again as soon as she stepped off that bus, and Maddison’s endless chatter filled the car on the drive home. Besides looking run down and super tan, she also looked as though she grew many inches! Summertime (just before her birthday in August) is when Maddison seems to always grow the most! Luckily I caught up on some sleep while she was away at camp because I have a feeling things are about to get crazy with changes! Of course, the first 5 days or so home from Camp Maddison was running lowish from all the increased activity, even despite her pump still set on crazy basal and ratio decreases! I don’t think we saw a number over 120 for many, many days after camp, even though she was STARVING and eating non-stop! Now as things have gotten back to “normal” its right back to chasing numbers of course!

Maddi still has endless stories about all the fun times she had at camp, just as I expected. Sadly though, she made sure to tell me right away that she spent a lot of time “scary low” in the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, so I figured I should take a second and ask her about the letter she mailed to us asking to come home. “Did you really want to come home? I asked. Her reply was a very quiet “YES.” Followed by a long silent pause. “Are the lows part of the reason you wanted to come home?” I asked. Her reply was “No, not really.” Then more silence. I then asked Maddison if she told them she wanted to go home, and she said she did tell them a few times but they told her that going home was “not an option.” Im not really so sure what I think about that....mostly because there were tears in her eyes as she told me!

YIKES. I quick changed the subject so we could talk about it later, because I wanted Maddison to tell me all about the hiking, archery, horse back riding, theme nights, and even the crazy pranks the counselors played. Yes, Maddison had a GREAT time, despite truely wanting to come home by the third day of camp.

So, later in the evening we talked more about why she wanted to come home from camp. Many of the things she told me were NOT what I expected to hear!

Reason #1 was because “Four people were standing over her when she woke up really low in the night” Maddison said this happened “a couple times” over the week and she remembers feeling panicked because there were so many people beside her watching to make sure her blood sugar came up. I can only imagine what her blood sugar was to cause such a stir with the medical professionals!!! I really, truly, honestly thought I was going to throw up when she told me this! Of course, the only logged blood sugar numbers that are sent home from camp are the pre-meal numbers and the bedtime number....Im guessing this is exactly why!!! I don’t think I even want to know, and its probably better that I dont! She made it home safe and thats all that matters right!!??

#2 The cabin bully. –Sigh- Maddison seems to always be a target for bullies, even though we have often had conversations about handling these situations in the past. I NEVER would have thought D camp would have a bully!!! I mean, these kids are with their assigned care givers almost constantly!! My heart was broken when I heard Maddison was bullied at camp, a time when she was supposed to feel indifferent and have the time of her life!!! It sounds like all the kids were aware of this “bully” and Maddison assured me the camp counselors did address some issues with this MEAN child several times during the stay at camp. Sadly though, Maddison felt it didn’t change much.

#3 Maddison says she was tired of all the “wildness” which means, she was simply tired of all the noise and constant people everywhere. I would have guessed this one! Maddison just isn’t the large gathering type most days, kinda like her mother.

#4 They made her climb the rock wall that she was afraid of. Well, she said she wanted to climb half way up the wall and then go back down, but they “made her” try and try again to make it to the top. She told me she ended up crying because she was so scared. Ive seen this same scenario on many rock walls unfortunetly! Maddison always wants to tackle those rock walls, but her fear of falling from “defective” ropes just takes over the higher up the wall she gets. Encouragement is one thing...but peer pressure is another. Maddison just doesn’t handle it well (and sometimes cant tell between the two) so I can only assume she was already lacking some confidence and struggling because of the “bully” at this point!

#4 The food. Picky eaters and camp don’t mix. Each camp year I have hope that Maddison will just try the damn food...but she starves herself instead! Its so frustrating!! I can see in her pump history that she was only eating about 10-20 carbs per meal, and she sounded mortified to tell me that they “forced” them to eat their food. She is such a drama queen when it comes to food. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!

#5 The boy she asked to Dance with her at the Dance said NO. –UGH- Geeezzzzz!!!!! What can you say to that!!?? My poor Maddie just seemed to have one strike to her confidence after another this year at camp! Im SO sad for her!

Even though this years camp experience wasn’t so great for Maddison she still had tons of fun. She is a tough girl and you cant keep her down for long! If I could change one thing for her at Camp it would be the fear she had in sleeping away from home with Diabetes! She can handle bullies, peer pressure and disappointments, but no child should be afraid to go to sleep at night!!! STUPID DIABETES!!!

When I asked Maddi if she would want to go to camp again next year she told me that even if the “BULLY” is not there she “PROBABLY WONT” want to go. UGH. That breaks my heart! Needless to say you can rest assured that the Camp director is aware of the “bullying" that Maddison experienced in detail, and we will still encourage her to know that very year at camp will be different! I hope all the other D campers out there had a better experience than we did this time around!

Its NOT the Damn Shots People!!

Saturday morning before dropping Maddison off for camp we planned to meet her Dad for breakfast downtown where he was working. It ended up a bit chaotic to say the least! Not only was **I** the passenger being driven around by my 15yr old who newly has her driving permit, but we were in an area of town that I am NOT familiar with. YIKES. Enough said!!! We ended up lost for a short while trying to find the breakfast meeting spot, so Maddison was a bit grumpy being worried about making it to the bus on time for departure. DOUBLE YIKES. I could feel my blood pressure (and probably blood sugar) rising minute by minute....

We finally found the IHOP with plenty of time to "relax" before having to head out to meet the bus for camp, but "relax" wasnt gonna happen with 2 giant Red Velvet Pancakes staring at me from Maddison's plate. What was I thinking? Icing, not syrup. Maddison gave me the evil eye when I ordered the icing on the side......What the hell? What kind of crazy new pancake is this anyway!!?? Maddison super bolused a crazy amount of carbs, and I tried my best to not wonder how she would feel arriving at Camp in a few hours. Would she bottom out low? Would she be sky high? I still dont know the answer to that....but Im sure her blood sugar will be logged in her book somewhere reflecting those crazy ass pancakes!! Today I'm still dying to know if we kicked some Diabetes ass with those pancakes or not....

So, guess what this "D" Mom did? FORGOT THE FUCKING PUMP SUPPLIES TO SEND TO CAMP!!! We didnt need to send a meter or strips. Not even insulin. We just needed to pack pump supplies to cover the week. -Sigh- OH MY GOD!!! They were at home on the kitchen counter!! My heart seriously fluttered. FLUTTERED!!!I literally felt my face turn pale white. Maddison was PISSED, she gave me an earful! Apparently I guess I become forgetful when being rushed out of the house by an excited 15yr old who couldnt wait to drive on the freeway! ACK!!!!

So, when we arrived at check in for camp Maddison was already frazzled. She had dark circles under her eyes after anxiously tossing and turning all night. She was irritated with me questioning her suitcase contents, yet **I** forgot the fucking pump supplies! As soon as we arrived to check in they were calling Maddison's bus number to finish loading. WHAT!!?? The damn camp day "instructions" said we needed to arrive by 11am to assure we had time to make the bus, and we arrived sharply at 11am.... So, whatever. Maddison felt rushed, I felt rushed.....and THEN......

She said it. I dont know who the hell this lady was....but she said.....

"If you don't have the pump supplies we can just put her on shots this week."

WHAT THE HELL!!??

If you could have seen the look in Maddison's eyes you would have DIED right then and there. She was SO MAD at me, SO scared for herself.

I literally laughed out loud (because I wanted to FREAK OUT!!) and said " Uhhhhhh NO!"

This crazy lady looked at me like **I** was unreasonable. Like **I** was making a big deal out of needles, or "shots."

In my mind I was SCREAMING!! Its not the fucking needles that are the problem, It just isnt that easy!!!! Ummmm.....yes, you are right crazy lady!! Shots arent a big deal. But do you know what IS?? Feeling like SHIT while you are at camp because your MOM forgot the pump supplies and now you are high or low, up, down and all around with a 24 hour injection of Lantus in your system that you cant fix if the calculated dose is WRONG. THAT is a big deal! Feeling like shit at camp IS a big deal. This is supposed to be a "Vacation" with Diabetes, I didnt want Maddison being a Guinea Pig as they try to get the Lantus right over the next 7 days....Shots would have been a HUGE deal. It just aint that easy! I have never been quite so mad at myself as I was at that moment!


So, instead of slapping this crazy chick like I really wanted to do, I told her I would Fedex overnight the pump supplies. So I did. End of story. Ugh. The Golden D Mom award goes to......... yours truely.

So, Maddison left for camp frazzled with an unknown blood sugar from a crazy ass breakfast, but Im sure she was happier than a clam to be away from ME at that moment!

Today is day 5 since Maddison left and Im bored to death. I guess Im used to driving her around from one place of volunteering to another. She sent a letter in the mail to her Dad on Tuesday...I didnt get ANYTHING. ?????? I really did have tears in my eyes!!

Yesterday we got a letter addressed to "Roxxie and Callie"(her dogs)but again, nothing for me!!! ????????WHATTTTT???????? She must REALLY be mad.

The letter said: "Please come and take me home"

And that was it.

I didnt think anything of it. I thought she was being silly writing a letter to her dogs....but while I sat at work today I couldnt help but wonder if she was being serious. My heart began to feel broken. So I called the camp.

Maddi's camp counselor told me she was struggling the beginning of the week with "homesickness" and that was about it. She had nothing else to say but Maddison is doing "fine." She didnt sound so sure.

If I know Maddison, I can tell you she isnt so much homesick as she is just DONE with all the fun. She doesnt like alot of noise, and dreads large parties because of too much commotion. Camp is like a 7 day party. Its loud. Its CRAZY. Its non-stop "fun" for those of us that enjoy a week full of commotion. Thats not Maddison, but I know she will be fine. She might have a headache and hide out in her room for the next month, but she will be fine. 2 more days....just TWO MORE DAYS!!!!

Camp AZDA Year 2

Tomorrow at noon Maddison leaves for CampAZDA. This will be just our second year sending Maddison to Diabetes camp, but let me tell ya, people aren't kidding when they say Diabetes Camp is something their child talks about all year! Maddison has had her suitcase packed for almost 3 weeks now, and has been eagerly anticipating camp since Spring break! So far I have been nearly worry free about sending Maddison to camp this time around......until bedtime rolled around tonight!

Now I can't sleep. And neither can Maddi. Both for VERY different, and total opposite reasons.

Maddison couldnt wait to go to bed tonight. In the summer I always have to drag that kid to bed, but not tonight. You'd think she were going to Disneyland in the morning or something! She is giddy. Bubbly. Smiley. Trying SO hard to sleep! I can hear her still tossing and turning down the hall...

Her bedtime number tonight was 106. -Sigh- A beautiful number. A number that Im fairly confident will rise to around 150 or 160.

Or maybe not.

Sometimes Maddi will spike to over 200 lately, just after falling asleep. So I sit and wait another hour to recheck.

I then realized this "bedtime" check is the last I will see for Maddi until JUNE 16th!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats 8 nights away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think my heart just skipped a beat.

Oh man. I was doing so good. I guess it was just wishful thinking that this time around I wouldnt have the same worries about sending Maddi to camp. But in reality Diabetes never changes, and neither does the endless concern of blood sugars. So, here I am again tonight wondering how I will *sanely* make it through the next 8 nights without knowing ANYTHING about Maddison's blood sugars. I feel empty already, and Maddi hasn't even gone away to camp yet!!

This kind of concern and "worry" is something that no person/parent could EVER understand, unless you live this Diabetes life. -Sigh-

But, the truth is, this isnt all stressful.

It is also incredibly heartwarming.

Friendships will be made. Confidence will grow. Most importantly....the children at Diabetes camp will be surrounded with UNDERSTANDING. We are all in this together. We learn from each other, share with each other, support one another, encourage each other, trust and confide in one another.....UNITE.

I will myself grow (or let go) from this whole camp experience every bit (if not more!) as Maddison will, and THAT in itself is what this journey called life is all about.



(((So now I will secretly and silently go climb in bed with Maddison and hold her tight, PRAYING for a cure!!!)))

It just AINT that easy

From Chasing Numbers

I wish I could just send Maddison off on summer "play dates" without a second thought. Do you still call it a "play date" at the age of 12? Almost 12 I should say, in August Maddison will be 12!!! Im having some issues accepting that. Really, I am. It isnt her age so much as it is the Diabetes independance....its the not knowing for sure whether or not she is taking care of herself the way she SHOULD be when she is on her own. Is she just "winging it" as she tries to "fit in" with the other kids and keep Diabetes efforts to a minimum? I often worry of low blood sugars striking her down before she can help herself, because I know at this age kids want to pretend Diabetes isn't there, even if it means putting off treating a low blood sugar until you have to. This growing age of independance means Im often overwhelmed with just how much "work" Diabetes is for our children.....

Normal "play dates" aren't the concern, Maddison manages those all the time. The concern is SUMMER playdates. Summer in AZ means swimming. Swimming and Diabetes is a TON of work with an insulin pump!! Unfortunetly our insulin pumps are not "water proof" like some other insulin pumps are, but even if they were "waterproof" I dont think we would choose to swim with it attached. Hello, can't we be pump free to bathe AND swim? Who wants a big 'ole insulin pump hanging from your swim suit for everyone to stare at anyway? And what about the insulin going bad poolside when the temps in AZ are always over 100? Ya...no thanks.

The problem with swimming and Diabetes/pumping is that #1 when you take your insulin pump off you aren't getting ANY insulin into your body. You need insulin for "energy" (and LIFE) so we must reattach the pump every hour or so to give a quick dose of the missed "basal" insulin to keep Maddison's body using the glucose it needs to function. If you dont reattached the pump for insulin you will get very sick, VERY fast and have some very high blood sugars as your body is starved of the energy it needs. Insulin is not just taken for food, it is needed to keep your body and organs alive!! Now of course just reattaching the pump every hour during swimming isnt a big deal and isnt difficult to do...what makes Diabetes and swimming tricky is that you also need glucose going INTO the body (carbs) for energy. We cant exactly just jump in the pool without a plan!

Maddison keeps gatorade by her side for swimming, this way she can drink a bit here and there without taking an insulin bolus for a snack. We have learned the hard way that active insulin from a meal or snack during swimming means insulin is TURBO CHARGED working extremely fast and erratically to bring blood sugars down, which is extremely dangerous especially in the water! (Working muscles suck up the glucose QUICKLY!!) Even if we give just a small fraction of insulin for what is eaten during swimming it seems we end up fighting off some serious lows. Its such a balance....a balance that sometimes doesn't make any sense! This might be summer vacation, but there is never a vacation from managing your Diabetes. Summer for us, just might be the WORST time of year with Diabetes needing SO much extra attention!

So, Im stressed. Its one thing for me to be observing Maddison while she swims so I know just how much or how little swimming she is actually doing....but what about when she is away with friends? Last year Maddison managed a few VERY short (1-2hr) swim dates at her friends house without me spying.....but what about this year when she spends the enitre day? I cant exactly follow her around anymore at this age, and I dont want to either. She knows the importance of reattaching the pump each hour. She knows to triple treat any lows while swimming. She can add and dose for carb counts on packages.....she knows these things...she is capable, mostly responsible....but.....its just not that easy!

Snacks and meals poolside? Not such a problem when I myself have observed every little detail and can make an educated guess, but Jeezus! We have been transitioning Maddison to her own Diabetes management for years. Knowledge doesnt just come over night and it SURELY doesnt come easily. This disease isnt a science and it doesnt follow any rules. This is all trial and error based around past experiences and outcomes in which I have logged into my Mother Pancreas Brain for YEARS. I dont want my kid to end up sick (or worse) from a low or high blood sugar just because she trying to be a kid. Maddison can text me her activity level, food, expected length of time swimming, last dose of insulin.....but there is ALOT of information I need to know to guide her through. She NEEDS me (the mother pancreas) to direct her in what she should be doing during swim time to stay SAFE, not just "in range" so she cant just be tossing insulin into her system without me instructing her. I HAVE TO KNOW that she is reattaching her pump to dose the missed basal insulin or she is at risk of DKA.....This is all alot to be concerned about!!! ALOT!! It just aint that easy to send off your D kid on a swimming adventure!!

Soon enough I know I will get the call........

"Can I sleep over Mom?" WTF? After all that swimming? Lord help me! Im not even sure that would be safe!! A night check after swimming is ALWAYS needed. ALWAYS!!! Not even a snack or basal decrease before bed is a promise to ward off the post activity lows....what if her site falls off in the middle of the night from all that time in the water? I REALLY dont want to ask a parent to check my Diabetic child at night, and, Im not so sure I would even trust them to do so after a day of crazy swimming. Its just not that easy! Its just not that easy, but somehow we HAVE TO make this independance work.

I was a much better Pancreas Mom when I could keep Maddison by my side. This independance is freaking me out. Stressing me out. Seriously, making me cry. It is so much for ANYONE to manage, especially a newly gaining independance child at the age of 12. Mistakes will be made. There will be lows, and there will be highs...alot of them...but swimming and Diabetes needs to be SAFE.

I think I would like a giant bubble right about now. Or, maybe we should run off to the secluded mountains? Maybe I can scare away all Maddison's friends? Maybe I can just say NO to every invite?

Ya, right. I can pretend cant I?

It just isnt that easy. I wish people understood. Im NOT a crazy overprotective Mom. My child really DOES need all this extra supervision right now, and NO it isnt because she has never been taught to manage her disease....It just isnt that easy.

The Numbers

I've still been chasing numbers, but it isn't the highs anymore, now it is the Summer lows. Impending lows that is. We have been catching lows before they happen thanks to a quick blood sugar check 2hrs PP. Adjusting from school Diabetes to Summer Diabetes is always tricky those first days!

Summer means Maddison's insulin needs decrease tremendously, and it hasn't even yet been due to the increasing activity levels....its simply because the "stress" of school days are behind us for awhile. No more sitting at a desk all day. Hooray!!

It amazes me every Summer to see Maddison's basal rates decrease in the mornings. What was .55 per hour is down to .40 literally overnight, and ratio's that were set at 8.5 are on the way back up to 13. So far that is, she is still in need of decreases across the board. AMAZING! If every A1c could be measured in the summer we would be looking pretty darn good!

Maddison has been doing awesome caring for her Diabetes while I am away at work. She calls me with her 2hr PP number and I call her back for the 3 PP number. We are just a week and a half into summer but so far those frequent checks have been a ton of information to reduce insulin doses and keep low blood sugars away. Maddison stays home with Hannah while Im at work and luckily either Dad or I am home 2-3 times a week so they aren't crazy bored all summer.

Hannah stays busy babysitting her cousins a couple times a week and sand volleyball in between. As always, Maddison has a summer volunteering schedule. Besides the normal volunteering with the Bird rescue and the Small animal rescue Maddison and I will be speaking at a few classes for the Arizona Humane Society's summer camp for kids! We have been asked to represent the Small animal rescue and will be educating the kids about caring for small critters as pets! FUN! Maddison can't wait! Maddison and I are also leading the 2012 "Bowl-a-Rama" fundraiser for the shelter which takes place in August. Dont forget Diabetes Camp AZDA is June 9th to the 16th!! For just the second year Maddison will be away for an entire week at camp!!! I miss her already!! Her suitcase is currently sitting in the middle of the living room because she decided she couldn't fight her excitement any longer and she started packing last week!

Hooray for SUMMER!!!

May Days

Last week I FINALLY got Maddison's too high post breakfast numbers down! For two glorious days Maddison's numbers were p-e-r-f-e-c-t. PERFECT!! Call me a weirdo (or just totally and completely RELEAVED)) but I seriously had tears in my eyes when Maddison's number card came home from the school Nurse each day showing those beautiful blood sugars. Really, I did have tears in my eyes, I DID! I was just THAT mentally drained and DONE seeing those highs! I was SO happy to FINALLY see healthy, safe numbers....I FINALLY got it JUST right after over 8 weeks chasing numbers!

Ohhhh two glorious days!

70-140 all day, and all night. For two perfect days. 12 finger pokes. Not one low. Not one high. Hallelujah! I even managed to squeeze in 5 straight hours of sleep Thursday night because Ive had Maddison's bedtime numbers kicked into shape (FINALLY) for a couple weeks now and my super happy brain (still feeling in victory mode) said I could take ONE night off without too much worry! Its amazing how refreshing 5 straight hours of sleep is :) Maddison went to bed that night at a safe 142 and 5 hours later her meter flashed a 136. Kickin Diabetes down, one night at a time :)

So, just two days you say? Ummmmm ya. Well, what goes up must come down right? Problem is, when seeing progress in defeating high blood sugars you are likely to encounter some lows. Its all about balance ya know. Adjust this down a tad...adjust this up a tad. Change this. Change that. Now its time to back off the aggressive dosing and be cautious I guess. On the third day Maddison had early release from school so I watched the new and improved lower numbers closely! I caught several "potential lows" thanks to that WONDERFUL insulin pump feature called IOB. (insulin on board, or active insulin) I was able to give Madi a couple extra carbs here and there to stop impending low blood sugars in their tracks....LOVE THAT!

Day four was a lowish day with a couple numbers in the high 60's and 70's, but it was also the weekend which means I SHOULD HAVE turned basal rates down on Maddi's pump because she isnt sitting at a desk all day like she is during the school week. That was my mistake #1. Shoulda turned down the basal dosing for the weekend!

Day 5 almost killed me (physically AND emotionally) and had Maddison begging for me to take her to the Emergency room in fear that her blood sugar wasn't going to go back up.

FUCK.

Thats where Mistake #2 came in. I still hadn't turned down basals. On a Sunday. Why? I forgot. I was hoping numbers would "level out?" I'm an idiot? Probably all of the above.

Maddison had been complaining of a sore throat for a couple days, and its seems her numbers always run lower before getting sick. (Mistake #3!!) We made the usual big Sunday breakfast so carb counting wasnt (shouldnt have been) too far off. By now Madi was complaining about her throat pain continually, and I could hear in her voice she had a head cold coming on. I had just gone to lay back down in bed because I wasn't feeling so great myself, and I had just fallen asleep when suddenly Maddison was standing beside my bed crying. She said she felt like she was going to puke....... 1.5 hours after breakfast and Maddison's blood sugar was 32. THIRTY FREAKING TWO with over 2 units of insulin still working! Because Maddison had startled me out of my sleep I was even more super-over-reactive to seeing that crazy low number. Maddison refused to drink juice, and refused to chew the jelly beans I was trying to stuff in her mouth. I called out for Josh to prepare me 10u of Glucagon, while Maddison just cried and cried. Her eyes looked glazed over, and she was slow to respond. She was pale white and sweaty, surely she was dropping fast. I was certain she was about to have a seizure.....

Long story short, Maddison agreed to pour two packets of "Fun dip" sugar in her mouth to avoid the need for Glucagon. The longest moments in the world seem to be when you are waiting for a scary low blood sugar to rise.....My heart was POUNDING. I was slowly becoming numbish. I then realized that I too, was low.

My meter flashed a 42. My insulin pump said I still had over 2 units of insulin still active.

NICE.

Sugar for me. More sugar for her. And more. And more. And more. An hour later (with blood sugar rebounds) we were both so damn tired all we could do was sleep. So we did, holding each other tight. SAFE.

Today I dialed back Maddison's insulin dosing, afraid of more lows.....Maddison was 299 after breakfast. Thats Diabetes for ya. Grrrrrrrrrrr......

Just two weeks of school left. That means EVERYTHING is soon to change. Routine, bedtime, meal times, activity level.......

INSULIN NEEDS.

Just when you get it all figured out, it changes.

These are the days of our lives, the REAL life of living with Type 1 Diabetes. X's two in our house.

Chatter

When Im feeling defeated by Diabetes, the voices in my head seem to explode into a constant whirlwind of chatter. I end up unable to focus, totally scatter brained!! Drained. Overwhelmed. Feeling hopeless and helpless. Every hour leaves me looking at the clock, wondering what Maddison’s blood sugar is doing now. Is it time to check? Its been two hours since breakfast, we better get that 2hr PP number... OH, now its been 3 hours since she ate last, we better check again! So much for Diabetes being a non-issue these days. Did I really say that awhile back?

The chatter is endless. As soon as my eyes open to start the day, the questioning begins...

"Will today’s blood sugars fall into place? Did I make the right changes for today? Will today be the day I end up angry and in tears with frustration taking over? What the hell am I doing wrong? What am I missing? I ask myself over and over again why I feel the need to blame myself for every shitty blood sugar. I try and tell myself it isnt me....I am not a failure like Diabetes wants me to believe! I wonder to myself why I can't just find peace with the numbers and feel that I’m doing everything I possibly can to get these high blood sugars down. I’m playing by the “rules” and doing everything I can, so WTF is going on!!??"

Chatter, chatter, chatter.

Changes, changes. Every week Im STILL making insulin changes for Maddison, only to see a day or two of improvement. We might see some in range numbers here and there, but blood sugars slowly creep up as the week moves on. How can that possibly happen when you increase, increase, increase doses? It seems the more insulin I give, the more insulin Diabetes demands! Maddison's insulin doses are DOUBLED from what they were back in February, and every week its still going higher and higher! Im increasing EVERYTHING every 2-4 days!! Is this unheard of? We are stuck in the 200's a large part of the mornings after breakfast (ratio was 1:12 and is now 1:8) with only some relief from highs here and there. C-R-A-Z-Y!!!! Sometimes we get a good morning but a high afternoon, sometimes she sits perfect all night and then the next day is C-R-A-Z-Y!!!

I’m feeling defeated, all the way to the depths of my soul. Entirely. Completely.

The last time I didn’t have to log numbers and make near constant changes was back in February. FEBRUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maddison has grown 2 inches and gained 5lbs, WITH a two shoe size increase over the last several months....but I don’t care. I don’t want to use that as an “excuse” for these shitty numbers. I don’t want to just say Diabetes can "win" because she is growing so much and the insulin need/resistance has set in approaching the teen years. I don’t want to wait for things to “settle” and I don’t want to admit that sometimes Diabetes just IS this way. I dont. I cant.

The chatter is getting louder and louder inside my SWELLY brain.

The chatter is chanting....”ask the Endo for help Kelly, maybe you need to swallow your pride and admit that sometimes you need a fresh set of eyes.” You don’t have to do this alone Kelly....they are there to help you!"

Just when I was about to ask the Endo for help figuring out these numbers last week I made a change that brought 2 glorious days of perfect numbers! I was all proud and refreshed, feeling confident and so much relief that I was sure Diabetes would never drag me down again!!

But then the bad site came on Saturday.

Of course.

A 382 blood sugar overnight with high ketones. Maddi’s numbers have been back to “bad” ever since. WHY does that happen!!??

Even through most rough patches of fighting lows or highs the chatter in my brain usually stays optimistic, and my inner cheerleader comes out. “You are doing GREAT Kelly, you have done everything JUST right!” You are an amazing Pancreas, you always give 110%. You will get there, keep at it, don’t give up, you are checking every two hours and making such progress! You are an awesome Mom, You have fought, fought, fought! The Endo would be impressed! Its JUST a number Kelly, keep kicking those numbers down! Time will tell, tomorrow will be a better day! This isn’t going to last forever! She is a TWEEN Kelly, you knew these days would come! It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok....You are on it! You’ve got this! It isn’t YOU Kelly, it is the Diabetes! You ARE capable! She is a growing child, she will be fine! Keep smiling, you are stronger than you know! Remember, one day at a time. Last week was so much better than the week before, you are sooo close! Don’t back off, stay aggressive! "If people only knew what *I/we* put into managing Diabetes every-single-day they would think we are Super woman! "Take a step back and just watch, you are always trying your best!"

Most days I love that inner cheerleader, she keeps me sane.

But then one day I just can't take another high number on that meter screen!

Some days Im mentally EXHAUSTED.

This is when the mean and angry chatter begins to chant inside my FRUSTRATED mind..."I can’t do this myself, but how the fuck can the Endo help? This is some crazy shit! They don’t see what I see, they cant have any good suggestions. They don’t see the all the variables I have to consider each and every day, all the ENDO sees are numbers without details! They think they know everything! They think Im clueless! They think Im the worst parent. They don’t see Maddison’s mood that can influence blood sugars, they don’t see the stress on any given day, the food, the activity, the site on day 4, the insulin effectiveness decline on day 3, the different nutritional balance of foods, the wrong carb count, that STUPID class party with 150c of pure sugary shit! How do THEY know what I need to do? How do they know the bizzillion things Ive tried!!?? Ive been doing this for 6 yrs, Im pretty sure Im the expert! Forget them, they dont live this life! IM TIRED!! Screw you stupid alarm clock! I cant do this anymore, Im gonna go postal! I think I need to hide. I think I need that whole bottle of wine. Where is that bridge anyway? Wipe that stupid smile off your face lady at Starbucks, why are you always so friggin happy anyway? Sun, sun, go away. I need to hide today. I must be an idiot. 400? Why do I keep fucking this up? Damn it, what am I? The worst mother in the world? Am I retarded? Im useless as a Diabetes Mom. Im too fucking tired to understand any of this shit that’s going on. All these damn numbers don’t make any sense. What did I do to deserve this torture? Am I a horrible person? WHY do we lead this life? What kind of sick joke is this?" Im so irritable and angry with everything, I dont even like myself!

And THAT my friends, is the censored version of the angry chatter in my mind.

Often, the chatter of blame sets in...."Maddison must be sneaking food, there is just no way these numbers can be right. It must be bad insulin. There must be an air bubble in the tubing. Her long shower with the pump off every night has got to be screwing up her basal dose. It’s a bad site. Shit, it must be a whole bad box of sites! It’s the changing weather, damn its hot outside! Its stress at school. Is she being bullied? Im a sucky carb counter. She must have cancer or some crazy disease making Diabetes freak out!! OMG!!! I think the pump is broken. I guess we have to change her site every two days instead of three? Her arms must have scar tissue. Her butt is too chubby. Her stomach site kinked the cannula. Nope, I must just be clueless. HORMONES!! Its just the hormones! Damn you hormones. It must be me. I really am a total failure to my child.....Is this for real?"

Chatter, chatter, chatter. Diabetes is more of a mental drain than anything. These voices inside my head just won't quit until I get these numbers down. I dont do it to myself. Diabetes INVADES!!! Diabetes invades my mind, my heart, and my soul during these chaotic times. It just does. This isnt chatter I can just turn off, because this is my child!! My child that I am supposed to keep HEALTHY from this fucked up disease...

Every morning I wake up optimistic, certain that any changes I made the night before will surely bring resolve to this blood sugar chaos....I stay optimistic, because I HAVE TO. Today, I'm hanging on the edge, these numbers are just as high as yesterday. How can that possibly be?

Chatter, chatter, chatter. I'm so tired of the chatter!!!!

Some Days

Its funny how some days you feel like a super Pancreas. Numbers are mostly in range. Predictable. Maybe you make a change to insulin dosing here or there, and it works perfectly! Oh sweet blood sugar victory!

Then there are the days when you are seeing too many lows or highs, yet we know (and feel) that it is JUST a number. You do what you gotta do. Make a change. Again. Again. Again. A week or two goes by without much improvement in numbers, but its not a big deal. That's the way this Diabetes game goes. We get "there" eventually. No hurries. No feeling uptight or frantic about whats going on inside. Sure, you may begin to get frustrated with numbers, but you can still talk yourself down from being angry or overwhelmed. There is no blame. It just is what it is. I love those days. I love those days when Diabetes just "is."

Some days are days of unpredictability, where all you can do is step back and just watch the show.

Then there are the days that have turned into months. HIGHS. HIGHS. HIGHS. Changing insulin doses every few days. Sleepless nights of chasing numbers. NOTHING makes sense. NOTHING is working. One good day. Three bad days. A week of craziness. A week of "good" numbers, then the shit hits the fan again. Its tiring. Its frustrating. It makes you question yourself. It makes you want to hide some days, but you eventually come back, ready to fight.

But sometimes, when the days begin to turn into months, I lose my cool.

My mind becomes overwhelmed knowing there is no one but ME to get this right. No one but ME to keep Maddison healthy. No one but ME to stand up against this beast.

These days I don't even know what day it is. Yesterday was Monday but according to my brain it is still Friday of last week. Friday of last week is when I had numbers SO CLOSE to being in range for an entire 3 day span that I hold on to it for my life! I hold on to those pump settings knowing I am almost there! PLEASE tell me that today will be like FRIDAY AGAIN!

Then there was Saturday. Low all day. Sunday was high all day. Monday was perfect. Until bedtime came. Do you see why I'm stuck on Friday!!??

I need Friday to come back. Fridays numbers are all nicely logged in Maddison's blood sugar book with the current pump settings beside them. A breakfast ratio sits almost double what it used to be. Basals are doubled and ISF is down so far that I'm actually wondering if Novolog just isnt the insulin we should be using anymore.

Ive been here before, and things always go back to "what they used to be." Problem is, it has NEVER taken this long and Im about to F-R-E-A-K O-U-T if I see one more blood sugar in the 200's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is the day that it just hit.

Its the breaking point.

All I can think of is numbers and what my plan is for tomorrow. Move this dose up, move this dose down. I cant think straight. All I see is numbers, numbers everywhere. My thoughts of Diabetes have turned viral. I hate. I plead. I scream inside. I cuss, ALOT. I cry. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE this fucked up disease of numbers!!

This is where I am today. HATRED. HATRED for this disease. HATRED for what it is doing to Maddison's growing body. Hatred for what it does to my mind. To my energy level. To my outlook on life. To my HEART.

Maybe it was the $480 I spent on Diabetes prescriptions yesterday that triggered my meltdown of HATRED today. Or, maybe it was the $11k in medical expenses we claimed on our tax forms....

Maybe it is the stress of lay offs at work, wondering how we can afford life saving medications if I am the next employee to go.....

Maybe it is the stress of AIMS testing today, knowing Maddison was 303 and so far out of range that she will likely do poorly, with her cognitive function on the decline. Yesterday her number was a perfect 138 at 9am for testing... WHAT THE FUCK!?

Maybe my melt down of feelings is because Im angry with myself! I have been sleeping past many of my night time alarms which means Maddison has been running too high, too often for too many hours!!!I dont know, but this alarm clock thing is what I hate the most right now. I cannot afford to be over sleeping my alarms when Diabetes needs some ass kicking!!

This is the day I have EARNED a meltdown day.

I'm about to bribe my tween into wearing the CGM, because I just dont know what else to do. I HATE seeing the dark circles under her eyes. I HATE the headaches it causes her, and me. I HATE that we even have these damn CGM's.....but Im at my breaking point. Bribing it will be.

Good thing most days aren't like today.

Negative Negative Negative

Maddison's Celiac biopsy just came back NEGATIVE. Enough said! Lactose intolerance results take about another week, so for now we just hope that the group of symptoms Maddi has been having disappears....

Perhaps in the future if symptoms persist or again worsen I will consider doing a gluten challenge for Maddison, or allergy testing. But for now, its SPRING BREAK!!

Initial result/6 years!!

Maddison's Endoscopy went perfectly well. The initial pictures taken do not show any abnormalities, (A GREAT SIGN!) but of course the biopsy result will tell. We will hear back from her GI doctor next week. I'm thinking (hoping)that we just might be in the clear since the pictures were just fine......

Tomorrow marks my 6 year diagnosis date! Looking back now I remember that my A1c at the time of my diagnosis was 13.2% (340 average) but down to 6.8% within 4 weeks. Hallelujah for insulin! For the first 4 years of Diabetes my A1c stayed in the 6.0 to 6.5 range, thanks to following a very strict workout routine and watching everything I ate. Im disgusted with myself to say that 6 years in has brought a lazy me. I eat whatever, whenever. I dont prebolus. I dont work out. Ive gained weight and somewhere just decided that I would rather do the minimal than go the extra mile.

I hate this. I swore I would NEVER get to this point in life, but HERE I AM.

Im still stuck in a rut since my surgery in August. All I can do is blame my hormones (or lack of) because I am just simply not myself. Weight gain isnt helping my attitude either, and I know I am myself partly to blame because I have yet to kick my ass back into gear with my good old healthy ways. I sound like a broken record, I know. My last A1c came back (again) at 7.2 which is pretty good considering thats absolutely no effort on my part. -Sigh- Diabetes has totally taken the back seat for me. 6 years in is NOT the time to get lazy and careless with Diabetes, so today Im slapping on the CGM and going back to injections. Ive developed a horrible habit of eating too much and eating too much crap. I think going back to injections is a good way for me to get over this laziness. Who wants to take a chance of stacking insulin just because you want to eat more? Who wants to drag out the needle everytime you eat? Exactly.

One MAJOR issue with the insulin pump is that you can get in the bad habit of eating more just with the push of a button. Its again time for injections.....Wish me luck!

Here we go again

Since Maddison’s T1 dx 6 years ago I’ve questioned her persistent tummy aches. They come and go. No rhyme or reason. Most of the time they aren’t debilitating, just a dull nagging pain. Maddi may go weeks without any pain at all, then suddenly she has them daily, maybe even all day. Stress? Lactose intolerance? Fluctuating blood sugars? High blood sugars? Constipation? Stomach pain could be a bazillion different things! Sadly, tummy aches have over the years just become “normal” for Maddi.

But, recently we have seen an increase in headaches. Truth is, Maddison is having some issues in school both educationally and socially. Its been tough starting a new school this year, and 5th grade seems to be the time that the tween stage takes over in so many ways. I’d like to blame all these things for the headaches that Maddison is experiencing, but I know better than to do so when the headaches are also combined with other new symptoms. Persistent nausea. Increased severity of the tummy pain itself, joint pain and numbness and tingling in her hands and feet. All a classic group of symptoms related to Celiac Disease.

Maddison had her yearly labs drawn in December which included the complete Celiac panel, all negative. Yet, there is that TINY 3% chance that Maddison could still have Celiac that isn’t suggested by blood work alone. So an Endoscopy it will be, Thursday at 8am. This time I CAN'T cancel.

Ive put this off for too long, believing that Madi just couldn’t be that 3%. Maddison IS among the 3% that doesn’t have antibodies for Diabetes...so why would this be any different? –Sigh- If this scope actually comes back positive for Celiac I may just hate myself FOREVER because I've debated for SO long and always listened to everyone else, not myself. UGH.

The good news is that instead of being irritated with my concern like years past, Maddison agrees that she likely has something weird going on and she is tired of dealing with all this. She is even EXCITED to have the procedure done!!!! Yes, I said EXCITED. Maddison has asked question after question. She repeatedly assures me the procedure is perfectly safe “because they do this all the time” and she even packed a bag already!!! Is this kid silly or what!!?? Maddi says she can’t wait to see what anesthesia is like, probably because she was with me (and allowed into both pre-op and recovery!) when her Grandma had outpatient surgery last week. (It also helps that Maddi knows they use numbing cream for kids that get IV’s) And, she knows the procedure is QUICK. Im sure as Thursday nears Maddison will go through the emotions and worries, but we talked about all that too and I think we are good to go....as long as blood sugars cooperate of course! Wish us luck and BELIEVE this will be negative!

BELIEVE

I am not an outwardly religious person(is that the word I'm looking for??? "Outwardly"?). I don't strike up conversation about it. I won't debate you or compare your beliefs to mine. I believe in God; though I may have questioned his "reason" more than I like to admit.

But over the last few days I have witnessed the power of prayer. FELT the power of it. All because of my dear friend, Meri, and her sweet husband, Ryan. Most people who stop by my blog already know Meri (who's 3 of 4 boys have T1 Diabetes) and what she is facing... but just in case, you can read the story here.

Today, Sunday, March 4th, 2012, has been set aside as a day of prayer and fasting, all are invited to join the family in support, people of all denominations... everywhere! With this in mind, we invite you to post prayers and reflections of hope on your personal blogs and websites. There will be a thread started on the Shuhmacher Family's Miracle Face book page, where links can be shared. If you do not have a blog/website, and would like to share your prayers, please feel free to add your thoughts to this thread as well. By keeping them in one place, the family will easily be able to access your words of encouragement in the days, weeks, and months to come. Please spread the word to anyone, and invite others to join this massive prayer effort as well.

They need your help
They need your prayers
They need a miracle

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

We all know how costly medical expenses can be. Friends of the Shuhmacher's have started a fundraiser to help offset some of the expense they will endure. No amount is too small and would be appreciated. CLICK HERE FOR THE LINK to make a donation now.

From the bottom of my heart, and with every ounce of my being I BELIEVE in the Shuhmacher Family miracle.

Basal Testing and the Sickies SUCK with D

Basal rate: The amount of insulin required to manage normal daily blood glucose fluctuations. People constantly produce insulin to manage the glucose fluctuations that occur during the day. In a person with Diabetes, giving a constant low level amount of insulin each hour via insulin pump mimics this normal phenomenon.

The bolus dose is what you take to cover meals, per carbohydrate count.

Basal testing- Checking blood sugars every two hours during a fasting period to see if insulin pump doses are set correctly from hour to hour. If you see an increase or decrease of the starting blood sugar number of more than 30points in either direction you MAY be able to adjust the hourly dose to keep blood sugars more stable.

Recently Scott posted on his blog about basal testing. OH…Ummm...Ya. That reminds me. I guess I should check my own basal rates since I haven’t done so since my surgery in October. –Sigh- If you can count on one thing in the DOC, it is knowing there is someone out there to set the example, we all keep each other accountable! Thanks for the reminder Scott!!! (and influence!)

So here are my results from last night:

10pm 62 .1 insulin active 12C sweet tarts
1030pm 108 zero active
1230am 132
3am 138
5am 134
6am 128

I’ll take it. The only problem with basal testing is that ONE night is not all it takes to verify that your basal doses are set right. Two, if not three basal testing nights is ideal and will show you a better picture. So, I gotta check at least one more night to see if this was a typical night for my blood sugars or not. Fun stuff. Basal, bolus, IOB, ISF, digestion, illness, activity level,weather,hormones..insulin is extremely difficult to manage people!

You’d think that I occasionally check myself overnight since Im up checking Maddison anyway. Not so. I tend to be very stable overnight, (as long as I haven’t eaten high fat meals or treats before bed and didn't slave to chores during the day) so I typically only check my own blood sugar if Ive had a correction for an out of range blood sugar result before bed. Otherwise, I’d rather not have another set of numbers floating around in my brain overnight and I just don't see the need to check myself when Im up checking Maddison. Usually. Its just too many numbers sometimes. The WORST part is, I tend to confuse my number with Maddison’s number when Im sleepy checking us both. SCARY! Ive often had to recheck my finger poke to verify who's number was which! Sleepy brains managing numbers is a BAD combination sometimes!

Last night Maddison’s numbers were quite equal to mine. Stable. Amazingly. Night time for her is still unpredictable at this point. Im STILL making changes little by little. Maddi woke up at 338 this morning, which almost NEVER happens (because Im busy being the correcting queen all night!) so I knew she was gonna mention that something hurt or she wasnt feeling well as soon as she woke up. YEP. Sore throat and a headache. You can see it in the numbers!

Poor thing. As if it isn’t sucky enough to be a sick kid at school without high blood sugars making you feel even worse. Im always very saddened when Maddison is sick. My heart hurts because Diabetes is tough enough on normal days, but on sick days Diabetes can be totally overwhelming, draining and just crazy exhausting. I know how she feels, and its SO not fair for our kids to have to deal with both at the same time!

My blood sugar hit 388 yesterday (old site, no ketones) SO this was a BAD ONE for me and I just about thought I would die. (High for me is not usually over 250-260's) The computer screen at work was a billion times too bright. Thirst was gonna make me scream out loud, and my mental capacity was a fraction of what it should be. My body ached. My head was floaty. I felt low (weird how that happens) and I was grumpy, with burning eyes and nausea. I wasn’t even dealing with the sickies. Just high blood sugar. I can imagine how Maddison is feeling today while fighting the sickies AND high blood sugar.(Nurse said her first morning check was 210) So not fair. Sickies with Diabetes might just be the suckiest thing EVER. Chasing numbers seems to be my life sometimes.

One Night

Last night was that ONE night.

The ONE night that is reason I make insulin increases very slowly during the sleeping hours, even though I know it could take FOREVER to get things back in range.

That ONE night that proves all other nights wrong.

That ONE night that doesn't make sense. So, you watch patterns and wait...not making any changes for a few days.

That ONE night that influences your future decisions in managing numbers, even if only in your sub-conscious mind.

There is always that ONE night.

Maddison was 190 heading to bed. Zero insulin active. Every other night lately I've given a correction to bring down the high and she doesn't budge, or, she ends up much higher. Didn't I just blog about this yesterday?

So, last night I was just about to over-ride Maddi's insulin pump suggestion of .475 to be given as a correction, and give an extra .2 as I have been doing many nights for weeks as needed lately.....

But I didn't.

I'm not sure why.

It would have made sense to do so. This night was no different than other nights. I expected numbers to behave the same. I didnt expect the high to budge, but I had to try.

I didn't give that extra insulin.

I have no idea why I reconsidered.

2.5 hours after that correction Maddison was 55.

Another .1 still working to bring her number down even further.

And my heart stopped.

What happened?

WHY tonight did that same correction amount that didnt budge numbers before cause this low?

What if I did decide to increase that correction earlier? Would I have caused my child's demise? Seriously people. This is the shit that parents of children with Diabetes deal with. Every. Single. Night.

Building

Fatigue. Overwhelming fatigue. Irritability. Body aches. Headaches. Worry. Yawning. Heavy, burning eyes. Lack of concentration. Triple size coffee. Can’t think straight. Collapsing on the couch after work. Ignoring household chores. Shut down. Numbers, numbers everywhere. Blood sugar checks every two hours at night. Its been a rough spell for awhile now.

Its been building.

Stress.

Physically, mentally.

Maddison's night time numbers just wont cooperate, despite my best efforts.

Keeping the balance.

Not too high, not too low. Can't make changes too fast, in fear of causing lows.

You'd think blood sugars would be more difficult to manage during the day with so many more variables to consider.

For Maddi,they aren't.

Daytime numbers are the easiest for me to manage, because there isn't the same FEAR that night time brings.

The fear that I won't wake up to check basal changes recently made. The fear I wont hear the alarm clock and I'll wake up to a seizing child. Or worse...

I never used to have this fear of managing Maddison's numbers at night. I'm bordering paranoia these days. Ive been waiting months for this feeling to pass, yet somehow it is still there. WHY?

I have been awaken by my own scary lows lately. Maybe that's why. Last night I was 32and unable to get myself out of bed for juice. I didn't have the strength. I was confused. Josh was laid over out of town for work, and I was alone. I fell back to sleep for awhile. I'm not sure how long. I eventually, literally, rolled out of bed and made it to the kitchen where I devoured a bazillion carbs without even comprehending. Hunger took over. Thankfully my body took charge and woke me up, violently shaking, hunger forcing me to eat. By now my BS was 54.

I remember walking back to bed and looking at the clock. 230AM. I planned to just lay there in bed and wait for the life to come back to me so I could check Maddison's blood sugar, but instead I fell asleep. Physically drained. I woke up 4 hours later, panicked, because I never re-checked Maddison and I never rechecked my low, which means I also didnt give myself insulin to cover the extra carbs I consumed while freakishly scarfing down any food I could find. NICE.

My BS = 378. Maddi was 264.

FUCK. Seriously? I swore tonight would be the night I'd see progress with Maddi's insulin resistance. The basal changes, ISF change AND correction I made for Maddison earlier that night didn't budge her number. AGAIN. I'm guessing by the time I get changes right for these highs, she will likely be back normal and the changes made will cause LOWS. F U Diabetes.

I'm making changes every 2 days....which have turned into WEEKS.

-Sigh-

Fatigue. Overwhelming fatigue. Irritability. Muscle aches. Headaches. Worry. Yawning. Heavy, burning eyes. Lack of concentration. Triple size coffee. Can’t think straight. Collapsing on the couch after work. Ignoring household chores. Shut down. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

Its been building.

Stress.

Stress of being a Pancreas 24/7/365.

Stress of Maddi's climbing numbers during the night.

Her numbers are great during the day....

Its night time that's tough.

Brutal. To my heart, to her future.

Its been building. Burn out. Which brings guilt.

Guilt that says I suck. I suck at trying to manage my child's blood sugar, even though I know its just Diabetes that SUCKS.

Its been building. Anger. Worry. Defeat.

Midnight. 2am, 4am and 6am.

I know numbers will eventually settle, but what I want most is defeat.

And sleep.

More importantly, a healthy child. Free of future complications.

So, Midnight, 2am, 4am and 6am is here to stay until this crazy spell decides to leave. At least daytime numbers are good, right? My mind says yes, my heart says no....my heart wants it all. For her. For her health. For her future.

JDRF Promise Ball 2012

Last night we were once again honored to attend the 12th annual JDRF Promise Ball. Of course we were only attending as Volunteers, but thats exactly what Maddison loves most about it! This was our 6th year attending, and by far the most exciting.(except our first year when 2 of our puppies brought in $9K in the live auction!!


This year’s black-tie gala featured special guest and celebrity honoree Brett Michaels, best known as member of the glamrock group “Poison.” I must say Brett is a totally down to earth guy, and all in this for the children! Brett was himself dx'd at the age of 6, over 40 years ago. Brett's daughter "Raine" was diagnosed at the age of 9 back in 2010 while he was filming the hit reality show "Celebrity Apprentice" with Donald Trump. "Raine" designed and auctioned off an awesome Pink and black guitar at the live auction last night, it brought in $14,000 with 100% of the proceeds going directly to research, thanks to JDRF!!

Maddison spent the night zooming around with her T1 BFF "Bee" from over at my dear friend Kris' blog. Our two silly, beautiful, energetic and giggly girls seemed to own the place last night. Their first assignment for the night was greeting Gala guests as they arrived. Yep, all they had to do was flash their beautiful smiles and light up the night! You could see their energy inspire all the guests as they were welcomed by two amazing girls, proud to represent those living with Type 1 Diabetes. BEAUTIFUL!!!

Maddison and I spent most of the night beside the stage watching the entire program with a group of other kid volunteers. The program was heart warming and motivating indeed! These JDRF moments always pull at my heart strings and get the chills pulsating through my body. Every word seems to hit with so much more magnitude when spoken through the Microphone in front of a large audience. There is no hiding from the emotions then, thats for sure! My heart was instantly turned to mush when the speakers turned their talk of fundraising into mention of Diabetes complications and children dying in their sleep from low blood sugars. OUCH. Talk about hearing the room grow silent! I was totally caught off guard. I dont remember JDRF being so quick to mention the whole "dying in their sleep" thing at their fundraising events. SHEESH. I just wanted to yank out the power to the Microphone and spare the children's little ears of such horror! I really hope this doesnt send our children to bed fearful at night.....luckily the children surrounding me were so busy being silly that Im not sure they were actually listening to the program. Each child was anxiously awaiting their turn to cross the stage with a gift in hand for each JDRF honorable mention of the night. So cute! These kids all LOVE the stage!

A very unique Family of mention this year....the "White" family. I tell you, I dont even know how these parents kept their composure as they told their story on stage! Several years ago TWO of their boys were diagnosed on the SAME DAY after being rushed to the hospital nearing DKA. TWO!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!!! Just over a year later their daughter was also diagnosed at the age of 4. -Sigh- What an amazing family!

After the program we were fortunate to have been given a VIP pass to visit Brett Micheals. The kids all loved the pictures and autographs, but mostly they enjoyed the gigantic bowl of Jelly Beans Brett Micheals gave when he heard that they were much needed for some low blood sugars next door. Too funny! I guess everywhere Brett goes he requests a bowl of Jelly Belly's in case of low blood sugars. YUM! The perfect low treatment for sure!!!!


Over the past 11 years the Promise Ball has brought in over 14.6 MILLION dollars for funding Diabetes research. I can't wait to hear what this years total will add to that amount. Dollar by dollar. Day by day. Maddison loves advocating. She loves telling our story. She loves fundraising, and she believes in a cure....isn't that all that matters? Thank you to JDRF for making this journey with Diabetes something FUN, and thank you for continuing to inspire us, motivate us and support us!

Two Years Free

Two years ago today my Dad was taken off life support.

I never thought I could move past the anger in my heart for what he endured those last weeks before we made this decision.

I never thought I would forget what it was like watching him slowly succumb to his disease over the years.

I never thought my heart would heal from the sorrow, emptiness and pain I felt losing him....

Somehow, broken hearts can mend.

Today I remember most that Dad passed away peacefully. Within minutes. With family surrounding him. He left behind a life of constant pain and illness. In those few moments of his passing, my heart was also set free.

No more seeing his pain, and watching him suffer.

He was freed.
No more complications from surgery.
No more heart disease.
No more Diabetes.
No more Neuropathy.
No more Dialysis.
No more back pain.
No more blindness.
Simply, no more. Just-Like-That.

Peaceful.

Two years.

Two years FREE.

It seems an eternity since I've heard my Dads contagious laughter, yet it still echos in my mind. I think of him every day as I tend to my garden, for it was him that taught me the love and joy in doing so. Watching my garden grow keeps him close in my heart.

He is with me in my weakest moments, especially those times I struggle managing Diabetes for both Maddison and I. Thinking of him moves me past the emotional struggles, and keeps me focused on not letting the hard times get me down. He is on my mind with every word I speak towards Diabetes advocacy....and with me everytime low blood sugars turn scary. Thinking of him carries me through.

It is strange how your heart can miss someone so much, yet be at peace all the same.

Eternal memories.
Eternal love.
Eternal peace.

David Lee Mckim
10/20/1945 to 1/20/2009

From DAD

From DAD