Damn you 510

Our school nurse just called. Maddison is 510!!!!!!!! No ketones. Now I am left sitting here at work to wonder how Dad will handle this one, and what the hell happened! Wanting to rush home and battle this demon myself. The nurse mentioned Maddison came down to be bolused for a treat of M&M's in class after lunch. She was 337 at that time an hour ago!! WTF!!?? I would never feed her when she was 337, and certainly not a sweet treat. Why didn't the nurse call me when she was 337!!??

But guess what? Last year when we were new to Diabetes Maddison had a holiday class party. She was some crazy number and the nurse called asking me if she could have the treat that was being passed out. I said no, becuase she was too high, send it home for later. Well, after school Maddison cried the the most heart wrenching cry. She sobbed so much she lost her breath. She explained to me that all the other kids enjoyed their cookies and they questioned why she couldn't have any. She sat there silently, hurting inside. Feeling different. Feeling left out. Feeling resentment for this !@#$#^%$ disease. I cried my heart out that night too. I never stopped to think about the emotions for her to have this disease as a little girl. She needs to be a kid. And I promised I would never deny her a sweet treat in school again just because of a high number. A number that can be fixed. But did I really mean it?

If the nurse would have called me on the 337 that started this road to the 510 I would have said something like "What the HELL??" Something is wrong with the pump. She never sees a number like that for no reason. My mommy radar would have said check the site, check the tubing, check the bolus history! Something is wrong with the pump. But the nurse followed my written orders. She dosed to correct the high, dosed for the treat and never denied Maddison anything. Just-like-I-said-she-should-do. She had her come back an hour later to make sure she was ok, and she wasn't. She was 510. Obvious pump failure. So, long story short.....I sat tortured at work not knowing why my child is 5 times higher than normal. Called Dad (who rushed to pick her up with a syringe in hand) ordered him to check this, check that. He finally finds torn tubing at the Resevoir. Great. At least there is an explanation. I hate when there isn't.

So, I am left wishing the nurse called me sooner for the 337. But she did everything she should have done. I'm not upset becuase she hit 510 after a pump failure. (well yes I am!) Mainly, I am left to worry about denying her a sweet treat at school in the future because she is high. Can I go back on my promise? Should I....to protect her health? What about her eyes, her kidneys, her future? I know we will face this again eventually at some point. This is Diabetes for goodness sakes! 337's just happen!!

Today's chaos brought back that day I made her the promise. I can hear her crying, and her sweet little voice telling me how sad she was that she was the only kid without. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. Damn, I hate you 510!!!! I despise the decisions I am forced to make with this damn disease. A lose/lose situation so many times. But I guess Maddison gains being like everyone else if I ignore the numbers at treat times? I dont know, but either way I feel like the worst parent in the world. I could weigh the pros and cons here all night, but now I am mentally drained from all the pondering what is the right thing to do in the future. I'm off to hide from this debate in my mind. I'm crawling into bed early, and as always...Diabetes wins with the emotions!

Off track

I have been consumed lately and not blogging (or accomplishing anything) lately because of these little monsters!

The third week of puppies was tough, CONSTANT cleaning up after them since mommy dog wasn't any longer. Being a germ freak, it was HARD for me to find any time in the day that I wasn't obsessed with cleaning up after these 8 puppies. Holy tiredness! I got them paper trained really well for about a week, then they needed more room to run and play so they took over the kitchen, and there went the paper training. Bummer! That was so much easier. Weeks flew by, here we are and they are now 7 weeks old. We dropped off the 2 JDRF puppies to their new homes last week. We sold 2 more, and are left with just 4 little monsters. They are actually pretty easy right now since they go outside so much and poddy out there and everything. They entertain each other. Who would have thought 4 puppies could be easy? LOL I love them to death, they keep me laughing and I almost want to keep each one! ALMOST that is.

So I have been a mess of BAD BAD BAD eating. Girl scout cookies came, Valentines Day, all timed with PMS which always makes me eat everything in sight. Weekend in Vegas. UGH!! WAY too much drinking, that causes even more downward spirals of bad eating for me. Why is it the worse you eat, the worse you continue to eat? The lazier you are the lazier you get? Which reminds me, when I drink too much I don't take my anxiety/depression medication, so that explains me feeling emotional and unmotivated. When these puppies go it is time to get back on track. For me that means the work out track. When I work out I have no problem eating right, it just follows naturally. Quite amazing really. I have no interest in eating things for pleasure when I work out. So my main problem now is that my sleep is disturbed not only by blood sugar checks, but the spoiled, crying puppies that want to play, or have to go outside every 2 hours. That makes it hard to get up early and work out. Yep. That is a good excuse! But a true deterrent right now. 8 puppies is like 8 toddlers. But they don't wear diapers. Picture that as my crazy life the last 3 weeks.

I haven't even been logging Maddison's numbers! This is the first time ever in over a year that I haven't logged every single detail of her day. Her numbers have been very predictable despite my last blog about craziness and lows. She went right back to her old ratio's and basal's too! How perfect! I guess that is why I feel it was okay to take a break from logging her numbers. Things have been good there. It scares me for some odd reason to not be logging though. It makes me feel totally irresponsible in her care even though her current meter average is a great 155. It makes me feel I am missing something. I own her numbers. They belong to me in a weird way. I work for every-single-one of those damn readings. Each one is a reflection of how hard I try to keep her close to "normal".......I know, it isn't. But my mind tells me it is. The guilt of not logging her numbers is eating me alive, so back tonight I will go.

Drastic changes

Last week started with Maddison not eating well. She would complain after a few bites of breakfast that she wanted to puke. She has had probably 15 or more lows between 40-60 since then. So I assume a lingering tummy bug without vomiting is causing her food to not be absorbed since lows are right after eating and it takes an ungodly amount of sugar to get her into a safe range (like TRIPLE the normal amount)I decreased her basals, and she skyrocketed. I adjusted her ratio by a few carbs each meal taking it slow. Apparently, she just needed a DRASTIC change to her ratios, quickly. So from 1:13 for breakfast she is now 1:30 which worked well yesterday, not so today...nurse called and she was 338!!!!OUCH! Totally bizarre.

On Sunday Maddison had a nap for about 2 hours. To get this girl to take a nap is like trying to get a cat to swim. It doesn't happen. So, I knew she was feeling yucky still, after 6 days. Maybe it was the 40 she had after breakfast that finally took its toll and forced her to recover. I dont know.

When she woke up she could see the block Super Bowl party and all her friends outside. While she slept I tried a temp basal for one hour because she still lingered too low....she woke up at 288!! From one frickin hour!! EERRRRR I corrected that with HALF the amount suggested from the pump and out she went to play which means she would DROP. I checked her blood sugar every hour. Dinner came around, she had nachos and then a cupcake starting with a blood sugar of 280 which I normally would have waited until THAT number came down. An hour later she was no where to be seen in the house with her friends. I panicked, and knew it would be bad. I just felt it.

I found her pale as could be......she was 43. ONE HOUR after eating (and a cupcake!)She started at 280!!! I whisked her out of there, it took a 15c instant glucose drink, 16c of glucose tablets to get her to 98. (normally 15 would do it)I checked again in 30 min and she was down to 68. A whole soda this time, and she refuses to eat/drink ANYTHING else! A few minutes later she said "Mom, I would have been much lower than that" So I asked her what she meant. She said that she was eating those little Valentine candy hearts out of the candy dish right before I came for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked her why she didn't tell someone. Why? She ALWAYS tells someone!!! I wonder how low she was before the candy she snuck! It breaks my heart. It scares the hell out of me. I know she must have been confused and couldn't react being so low. She has been so low for this whole week that she was no longer feeling her lows!!!!!!!!!!!So, you can see total craziness. The whole week was like this. Today I am so angry with Diabetes and what it is doing to my Maddison. I am angry that my Endo has no advice that I haven't already tried. I am angry that there is no explanation. And angry that now I will have to run her higher to get back her low awareness. Diabetes is just evil. Simply Evil.

In range for Maddison

I am so completely frustrated right now that I just want to scream. I have noticed that Maddison has been doing poorly on Spelling and Phonogram tests at random times. Which only means one thing. She is out of her Blood sugar range (80-150) at the time she takes those tests. She has had a few 100% and even a 110% on spelling tests this year. Then we have seen 60% or even a 40% out of nowhere. Words she could spell yesterday she spelled wrong today. And you can see her handwriting at these times is just terrible. So, all those poor grades are now reflective on her grade. It took me until NOW to realize that these tests are done in the morning when she is most likely high, or dropping low from breakfast. Most days she checks in range before recess (right after the testing) so I never really thought that maybe she was having a hard time becuase of her blood sugar. I just thought we need to focus more. Maddison has always had poor concentration even before Diabetes, so now I am really concerned about her blood sugar effecting her recorded grades.

The problem is.....if Maddison starts checking BEFORE the testing and is out of range she will have to wait for the test until she is in range. Well, I dont know if you parents have noticed, but the school day is packed FULL. Too full if you ask me. That means she will have to miss recess or free time to do the testing when better in range. She has already been complaining of missing these things because of having to see the nurse for lows, stomache aches, headaches etc. A few minutes of missed recess or free time to Maddison (or any 7yr old) is alot. I see it causing alot of problems. Resentment of the disease itself, fear of being low and having to seek treatment because she doesnt want to miss something in class or miss recess. Feeling different as she sits there to re-take a test becuase Diabetes stole her concentration, memory and ability to perform well.

I am so sad for her! I know that when I am at work and feeling high or low I am useless. I just stare at the computer screen. And alot of times those lows take quite awhile to recover from. I just never seem to regain my train of thought or ability to problem solve from that moment out. I do insurance claims with all those numbers, and just forget it! I can't figure out 2+2 for heavens sakes! And then there is Maddison who struggles in Math anyway. Now being "in range" is going to have to take a priority when starting a spelling or math test. -Sheesh- It is hard enough to keep kids in range (though Maddison usually is lately) and now I have to take every test score and evaluate it with her blood sugar at the time.

I don't know why that is making me so angry today but it is. I knew we would get to this point, (where numbers start to effect schoolwork) and it is as simple as checking blood sugar before the test. But it just makes me so mad. Mad that our kids really ARE affected in every way by this disease. Mad that she will have to re-take tests and possibly feel bad about herself. Mad that even to take a frickin spelling test your blood sugar has to be just right! She will have to miss recess, free time and everything a kid NEEDS to make school fun just because she has Diabetes. What about when she is dropping? What about when she was in the 300's all night and just feels crappy on spelling test day? The mental fog that highs leave really SUCK, even for the entire next day sometimes. This just really makes me sad today. I am sure when we get it all figured out and get down a checking and testing routine it will be no big deal. But today is the wrong day for Diabetes to cause problems. Today I am just done with the problems Diabetes causes. Some days I just cant take another interference from it. And Diabetes wins by making me angry today.